Drag me to Hell

Sam Raimi has returned to his horror movie roots with Drag me to Hell, a movie staring Alison Lohman as Christine Brown and Justin Long as her college professor boyfriend, annoyingly named Clay.  

Christine finds herself playing the quiet, blonde, homely, formerly fat, farm girl now working in a bank role.  As she is up for promotion Christine unwisely asserts her new found authority on an elderly woman who has fallen behind on her mortgage payments.  Mrs Ganush, (a fantastic Lorna Raver) doesn’t take to kindly to her eviction attacks Christine in the bank parking bay and puts a curse on her causing her to be literally dragged down to hell in three days time.  

It all seems quite run of the mill but Drag me to Hell is a horror movie that is actually intentionally funny.  The fight between Mrs Ganush and Christine in the car is one of the most original and hysterically entertaining fights between two females ever to be shot.

The plot moves on towards more conventional horror movie expectations and if you allow yourself to let go and enjoy the movie all the usual scares and jumps are there.  What makes Drag me to Hell stand out is the fact that whilst the scares are happening and the tension is building the outcome is so purposefully full of black humour you cant help but laugh.  All this is done without one drop of blood, with the exception of a scene in the bank which was more of a shout-out to past Raimi movies.  

The general trend in Hollywood is “the more gore -  the less scares” and Drag me to Hell used this formula in reverse so well.

The séance and graveyard scenes were so tense yet also so ridiculously bizarre (the talking goat to name but one!)  you couldn’t help but laugh through your fear.

As with most movies you have to suspend disbelief and as a movie lover I do judge each movie on its own merit and take it for what it is but even my imagination will never be able to believe Justin Long is a professor of psychology.  If I had to pick a fault in the movie then that would be it.

I would thoroughly recommend Drag me to Hell.  If the recent overindulgence of gorno doesn’t do anything for you (it doesn’t for me) then this is a solid return to supernatural horror.  I would give it an 8/10.  

Angels and Demons

After the ridiculous amount of hype that surrounded the release of The Da Vinci Code it was only a matter of time before Dan Browns “other” Robert Langdon novel got the big screen treatment with Ron Howard returning as director and Tom Hanks (sans mullet) playing the said Robert Langdon.

This time Robert Langdon finds himself embroiled in another church cover up when the Illuminati rise from the underground and attempt to destroy the Catholic church and the only man capable in the entire world, of stopping this event, is of course Robert Langdon.

Tom Hanks is fine as Robert Langdon and kudos for him for being brave enough to wear Speedos in todays critical era and to say some of his lines in such a straight and serious manner without sniggering. The rest of the cast were fine, although Ewan McGregors Irish accent faltered on many occasions.

The plot, like the novel, has enough twists and turns to keep the audience engrossed and some of the set pieces, especially the “fire” scene are very unsettling to watch. There was a good mix of suspense and action to break up all the talking and trips to the Vatican Archives (which was not anything like I pictured them to be when I read the book!)

The sets were gorgeous to look at - replica or not the locations were impressive.

No matter how intelligent this movie, or indeed any of Dan Browns novels claim to be, what they essentially boil down to is a grown up treasure hunt, with an intelligent man, sprouting exposition which, when read appears incredulous, but when spoken on the big screen, is at times down right  laughable, in the chase to find this particular movies “holy grail”.  

I would give the movie 8/10 but perhaps that is being overly generous.  It is a very entertaining movie granted, but the entire success of Robert Langdons mission depended solely on the fact that in 400 years not one of the cleaning ladies in Vatican City moved any of the conveniently placed statues which so helpfully (literally) pointed out the way in every church - either that or the Illuminati where in charge of the cleaning.  

Dan Brown is given a lot of criticism for his writing.  He is not going to be remembered amongst the great modern writers, but what he good at is tapping into all the clichés and tricks used to keep the reader hooked, with constant cliff-hangers and interesting snippets of fiction portrayed as fact and like him or loath him - it works.  Angels and Demons is a very watchable movie and the fact that these types of movies are still very profitable is probably a conspiracy Da Vinci would be proud of

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I finally got around to seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button after a few weeks of worrying that I couldn’t get it fitted in to my cinema going schedule.  

I will confess that when I first watched the trailer I didn’t get it.  I didn’t really understand what the movie was about.  It wasn’t until the third or forth time that I viewed the  trailer something clicked and made this one movie I had to see.

This was very much a movie about story over performance. I am not a huge Brad Pitt fan, I don’t find him particularly talented or, on a more shallow basis attractive, but once you got used to his wavering accent you could become totally absorbed in Benjamin’s story.   

The transformation of Benjamin ranging from his elderly form right down to his younger appearance was amazing to watch.  The special effects were seamless.  It was hard to point out the stage in the movie where the real Brad Pitt appeared.   

The supporting cast were fine, the most light-hearted moments came from Taraji P Henson as Benjamin’s adopted mother Queenie and Jared Harris as Caption Mike although there is the argument that both actors were playing caricatures and as ever , Cate Blanchett played her part with the usual talent and grace that we have come to expect.

Benjamin Button is the nicest and most polite character to have appeared on the big screen since Forest Gump and at times he did come across like Forest with his naive simplicity. Cate Blanchett had the harder job of getting the audiences sympathy as there were times when Daisy was just down right horrid to poor (simple) Benjamin but come the end of her story she had won me around.

There were moments were I felt tears welling up and these were mostly the hospital scenes, that at times, interrupted the story telling, as the virtually unrecognisable Cate Blanchett was almost to accurate in her portrayal of a cancer patient.  

I would give the movie an 8/10.  It was a movie that you could totally lose yourself in - you do not feel the long running time.  

I felt it had to lose a point for the Hurricane Katrina references at the end. It was a nice idea that Benjamin would return for Daisy but if we buy that ending then we really must blame Benjamin for creating one of the worst hurricanes in recent times. The ending could have worked but tying it into a recent real life event just didn’t. It was clumsily done.

I loses as other point as I am Irish and Captain Mike annoyed me as I don’t actually know of any Irish Men who speak in that accent.

Overall it is a love story about two people meeting at different stages of their lives and trying to hold on to the time they have together . -aww

Watchmen

After worries of legal battles and murmurings of delayed release dates Watchmen finally arrived on the 6th March but I will confess that up until one year I ago I had never heard of the Watchmen.  It wasn’t until I discovered that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was cast as The Comedian it caught my attention and forced me to read the graphic novel.

I had never read a graphic novel before the Watchmen and thought I would struggle through it but I read it in a matter of days.  I couldn’t put it down.  The  initial excitement for JDM turned into genuine excitement for the movie itself and I was not disappointed.

I absolutely loved everything about it.  The characters were exactly how I imagined them to be.  Jackie Earle Haley was superb as Rorschach, my favourite character in the novel.  His story was the one I enjoyed reading about most and it transferred so well onto the big screen.  If it had of been a Rorschach movie I would have been happy.  The prison scene and Rorschach’s back-story were my favourite parts of the book and also the best parts of the film   One teeny tiny grumble (I feel that I should had at least one complaint) is that the first time I heard his narration I thought it was Christian Bale’s Batman talking.  The gravely voice sounded so similar but within one scene that was quickly forgotten about.

The other characters were also very well played.  Night Owl(2) (Patrick Wilson) and The Silk Spectre(2) (Malin Akerman) played well together on the big screen.  I wasn’t a big fan of Laurie’s when reading the novel but I warmed to her in the movie version although the same cannot be said for Dr Manhattan.  I totally understand the point of his character, I can see how he began to lose touch with humanity and I appreciate the irony of the only “super” hero not wanting to get involved but there is something about the character that I just don’t like.  I really detested the conversation he and Laurie had on Mars in the novel and I disliked it just as much in the movie.  The fact that he was constantly telling her “you will go to Dan” or “you will cry at the end of this conversation” really just angered me.  He is just one of those characters that you come across at times that you just cannot warm to.

There has been criticism of Matthew Goode being cast as Ozymandias, but once I just accepted that he wasn’t that great at an American accent he was fine.  As a Supernatural fan, of course seeing JDM play The Comedian was a major part of going to see the movie.  He was awesome.  The Comedian is a complete and utter unapologetic bastard but by the end of the movie you cant help but like him.  The rape and the Vietnam scenes were uncomfortable to read about and just as uncomfortable to watch.  You know you have got a major badass on screen when someone can fire a few rounds from a shotgun and not blink - JDM did just that in the riot scene on the streets of New York and I was very impressed.

The action was also very good.  Perhaps there wasn’t as much action as some people were expecting but when it arrived it came with a bang  - and it was very graphic in parts, especially one scene with a chainsaw that even Leatherface would have flinched at.

The ending differed slightly from the book but I thought the movie ending was actually better and easier to understand but other than that it was faithful to the original text.  Although it was left completely out of the movie Tales of the Black Freighter has been filmed and will be on the dvd and I am satisfied with that as it was almost as engaging as the main plot.

I would give the movie 10/10.  I had been waiting for the movie for months and when it arrived it did not disappoint on any level - even the soundtrack was awesome.  I would recommend it to anyone but I would also suggest that you read the novel too.  

The Young Victoria

The Young Victoria follows the early years of Britain’s longest serving monarch Queen Victoria (Emily Blunt) through to her marriage to Prince Albert (Rupert Friend).  

All the usual ingredients of a costume drama are present and of course that is a good thing.  Where would a costume drama be without the flamboyant dresses, beautiful countryside or the complicated dances?  

The ingredients were all present but that does not mean to say that they were there in the right quantity, mixed together correctly or were cooked at the right temperature.  What this ridiculous metaphor is attempting to say is that although it had the makings of a great drama it did fall short.

As with all stories following the British monarchy we are treated to life at court, conspiracy and conniving but this all fell quite short of the mark.  The viciousness or desperation that makes such good viewing just wasn’t there.   It felt as though it was all just mentioned in passing.  The ever dependable Paul Bettany as Lord Melbourne and Mark Strong (who is everywhere these days) as Sir John Conroy were very watchable at trying to play the political game but to be honest very little happened.  

The best scenes in the whole movie were those that focused on Victoria and Albert.  Their game of chess was filled with tension and absorbing to watch.  Although the movie was clearly about Victoria’s younger years I think that it should have focused more on her life with Albert  They had nine children together and lived happily together up until Albert’s death.  The fact that she lived for almost forty years without her sole mate is heartbreaking and this would have given some good strong emotional scenes but this opportunity was missed.

The music was actually very imposing and the coronation music actually sounded like the start of the Champions League coverage which was also very distracting

It was a very enjoyable movie but it just lacked that defining moment where Victoria transformed from this sheltered teenager into a strong willed women who reined supreme.  It gets a 7/10.  

Knowing (I wish I didn't)

I finally went back to the cinema after what seems like ages away (3wks!) to see Knowing.  I will be honest - we went to see Knowing solely for the purpose of making fun of it.  Knowing couldn’t even be bad properly.

Watching the teaser trailer will pretty much sum up the entire plot for you, as is expected with all Nicolas Cage movies.  Man find page with numbers.  Numbers mean something. Man tries to find out what the craic is.  Man is thought to be crazy.  Man is correct - haha to the doubters.  Just swap “page with numbers” to “map” and you have the exact same synopsis for two of Nicolas Cage’s other blockbusters *sarcasm* 

Knowing starts off with the most boring credit sequence in the history of film.  Just a few names over a weird overly ominous score.  We then get a bit of back-story as to the origins of the numbers.  Turns out some creepy kid wrote them for a time capsule which will be dug up in fifty years.  The children, whether they lived fifty years ago or in the present day were far to excited about the time capsule.  If this was the movies version of reality then I knew were in for a tough evening 

Once the back-story finishes we are then treated to another boring credit sequence.  This time we got the ominous score and the names going over what can only be described as someone messing about on Google Earth from a computer with as crappy an internet connection as mine.  

We are introduced to Nic Cages character John and his son Caleb.  Nic Cage apparently lectures at MIT but he, his class and the audience have no clue what he is rambling on about.  The only thing that is clear is that EveRy SinGle SyllABle Must BE ProNounced when he teaches.   At home he and his son are dealing with the upsetting loss of their wife and mother who has be deceased for almost a year - long enough for wallpaper to peal of the walls, the garden to become overgrown and the house to decay at a rapid pace.  Its clear who took care of the upkeep and maintenance of Casa De Cage.

The film maker doesn’t drag out the time capsule story for too long and this I honestly thank him for. Caleb gets the page with the numbers and John, who is on the steady slope towards alcoholism which translates into grieving, finds the page and within seconds sees that the numbers are predicting all major disasters from the last fifty years.  If you think it appears ridiculous reading that  you should see the scene where John has to explain it to his MIT guy, who I don’t think even had a name.

The plot as awful as it is moves on and we meet Diane and her daughter Abbie, who like Caleb is beginning to hear whispers.  Diane is also the daughter of the creepy kid who wrote the numbers.  They serve no purpose plot wise whatsoever although Rose Byrne does get praise for the most hysterical performance of the year so far - she was one frantic cry away from “wont somebody please think of the children”.  Then she dies.  The audience is pleased.

Whilst all the number excitement is going on there are four weird guys, who can only be described as the Pet Shop Boys and Spike from Buffy’s strange love children, are stalking John and his son.  They are pretty creepy for the first few times we see them but then their constant staring and seriousness becomes unintentionally funny.

They finally kidnap the two kids and we are all grateful as we realise we are heading towards the end.  We follow John as he chases after them into an overgrown wood, he calls frantically for the return of the his son, who appears out of nowhere holding a big white bunny.  Abbie also appears holding a bunny of their own.  Turns out the four “Spike Shop Boys” gave them the bunnies as a gift and they are all going with them to be safe.  I forgot to mention that the sun is going to flare out and kill us all.  That is the last thing that the numbers predicted. I bet John wishes he wasn’t so enthusiastic about deciphering the numbers now.

Anyway it turns out John cant go as he cant hear the whispers.  Then all of a sudden a big spaceship appears, the four guys literally melt into green aliens and as Nicolas Cage drops to his knees in an over dramatic fashion in disbelief the audience nearly starts to cry along with him.  The four aliens, who have very obvious Angel Wing type shadows, two kids and two bunnies all go off into space as the earth dies, taking poor John along with it.

We do  get a “nice after earth is destroyed” scene with the two kids in white clothes running through a CGI corn field towards a big CGI tree which I am assuming is supposed to represent the tree in the Garden of Eden.  Or something. By that stage I think I slipped into shock at the sudden, and unexpected introduction of aliens.

The movie was awful. The entire cast was awful.  The acting was awful.  The script was awful. I want to meet the person who wrote the alien ending, shake him by the neck and as “Why?”

I will admit though that the two set pieces - the plane crash and the subway crash, both of which used the ever-present threat or terrorism to cheaply to try and make it relevant where actually quite good.  They perhaps overdone the victims burning alive in front of the camera a tad to much but we were treated to some fantastic Cage overacting during the crashes and him trying to emote afterwards which almost makes it worth it.

I would give the movie 3/10.  It gets the points for the two set pieces.  It loses the rest of the points for everything else being so awful.  It has topped the box office and that is due to the appearance of Nicolas Cage - an actor who has been living on borrowed time, phoning in the same old performance for years now.  Even playing the always fun game of watching his wig, his weird elbow powered run or his genuine inability to act isn’t fun any more and that is the saddest thing about the whole movie.

One thing that will keep me awake at night is the bunnies!  What is the significance of the bunnies?!

The Boat that Rocked

Its not often I will see a comedy in the cinema, in fact the biggest laughs from me in the cinema usually come from movies that are unintentionally funny.  The last time I honestly saw a laugh out loud comedy (twice) in the cinema was Hot Fuzz and it is important to note that it was British.  The last few comedies I have the displeasure of watching in the cinema were The Accidental Husband and I honestly think I died a little inside after those long ninety minutes and Pineapple Express, a movie that would have been so much better if the Pegg/Frost/Wright team had thought of it first.  Key point - they are British and they made Hot Fuzz.

I don’t know what it is with American comedies - I don’t get the Superbad/Knocked up humour that is constantly topping the box office.  The Frat Pack are now old and embarrassing (Ben Stiller hasn’t made a decent movie in years!!) and the Uma Thurman/Jennifer Aniston school of comedy was never funny to begin with.  

Maybe its just that I don’t get America humour any more.  I cant watch Friends.  I have never watched Ugly Betty and I have even lost interest in Family Guy.  The only America comedy show that I will watch and laugh out aloud to is South Park, a show that does parody, satirical humour and down right silliness to brilliant extremes.  Maybe that says more about me.  Maybe I am stuck in the past with my love of Pythonesque humour and bitterness as in the wonderful world of Black Books. Maybe my comedy taste hasn’t moved on to the strange world of gross out and dorky teens having awkward sexual encounters with baked goods or themselves and don’t get me started on Juno and you know what?
  
Thank Fuck for that.

The Boat That Rocked is British and I for that I am grateful.  If it were an American comedy it would have been set on the crystal clear waters of Miami with beautiful skinny girls lying on beaches and surfers surfing whilst looking like they were at an Adonis convention, but no The Boat That Rocked is full of unattractive misfits (Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, Philip Seymour Hoffman et al) , each one with their unique personality, radio broadcaster style, and all containing a passion for music.

The movie takes place in the late 60’s where pirate radio was at its peak and the biggest pirate radio station of them all is Radio Rock, which is situated on the North Sea on an old rusty boat.

The plot was admittedly paper thin.  Pirate Radio station pushes boundaries and annoys Parliament.  Parliament tries to abolish pirate radio station.  Pirate Radio station rebels.   There was also a “who’s the daddy?” sub-plot thrown in.  It wasn’t the strongest of plots but I didn’t care.  The characters were all so likeable and the big bad British Parliament so over their top in the evilness you did become emotionally invested.   

You are invested to such a high degree that when the final act comes, which made the last 30mins of Titanic seems like a trip out in a riverboat, it was really hard to watch.  Not only are you involved with the characters on the boat, you also realise that you are totally in love with the Boat itself - it became like the Serenity for the sea.

The soundtrack was awesome and although there were quite a lot of montage scenes I didn’t mind as they were always fun - most notably the stag scene to Lazy Sunday Afternoon by Toy Dolls and a fabulously touching underwater scene to Father and Son by Cat Stevens.  

There are a few key scenes to look out for - the Spartacus scene were they all decide one by one to stand up to the law, Simon's Dusty Springfield scene and the entire final act.  

Some people will not like it.  Some people will complain about the perhaps to simple plot but I say embrace it.  Enjoy the enjoy the silliness, enjoy the music and just roll with it.

9/10.  It loses the point for having Duffy sing over the end credits - the sound track was so impressive and original only to lose it at the very last second.

Fast and Furious

....

There are times when a movie can be fully overshadowed by its trailer - Miami Vice is one, X-Men3 is another, (although the flaws in that movie will haunt for the rest of my time in this life and the next). Fast and Furious is one of those movies. The trailer far exceeds the movie in terms of action, acting and excitement.  I have to make it clear I didn’t like The Fast and The Furious, I have never even seen 2 Fast 2 Furious but I loved Tokyo Drift but there I was on opening night in a completely packed out screen one. The movie starts off so well, straight into the action with a good car heist. Then the action stops for what seems like forever so that we can get the obligatory back story of this movies villain. This is a normal process in any movie but Fast and Furious’ main flaw was that its two male leads cannot act. They look good running, they look good when they are driving, they look bad-ass when they are frowning but for the love of god don’t give either of them more than two lines of dialogue per scene!!  After some awful awful scenes with dialogue we were treated to the second of (only!) four car scenes in the entire movie. The race scene should have been filled with great driving stunts and action but it was broken up to much with bad cutting, the insertion of strange CGI mapping effects and was narrated by Sally Frickin’ Sat-Nav. I’m sure Johnny-Special-Effects loved making the road map for the audience to follow but seriously, stick to the driving - giving the audience a heads up that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker should take the “next right”really just took away from the excitement of the scene.  The dialogue was woefully written and wasn’t helped by the cast who really should be seen and not heard. The wittiest quips were sexualised car innuendos but that was to be expected but the smug look on Vin Diesel face every time he uttered one was like watching a monkey figure out how to use a knife and fork. For the love of god Vin you make a reasonable action hero but do not kid yourself you can act or are in the slightest bit amusing. The plot didn’t matter. I love my movies but when I go to see an action movie I expect action. I don’t expect, especially given the acting talent that we had the pleasure of watching, proceedings to be taken too seriously. Fast and Furious wasn’t supposed to believe it was a serious drug crime movie...it was supposed to be an action movie with lots of good car scenes. There were to many gaps between action scenes and these were mostly filled with the most unbelievable bunch of FBI agents, including Paul Walker and some rather amusing scenes of Vin Diesel trying to portray emotion…. When the driving scenes came they were quite good, although nothing original was to be seen anywhere on screen and judging by the imaginative title idea of just dropping the “the’s” I don’t know why I was surprised. The cars, of course where the most gorgeous items on screen, that’s right the cars, even those that had exploded and were in flames still had more screen presence than Paul Walker could only ever dream of having. The cars stole the show and when the cars were actually allowed to race they were awesome.  I would give the movie 5/10. If it wasn’t for the fact that the cars were fantastic I would’ve been out of there. Skip Fast and Furious and go straight onto Tokyo Drift which had better action, better actors and had at least the common decency to embrace the fact that it was a movie about cars and fun and not pretend to be a drama with a few car scenes thrown in. Fast and Furious failed its MOT. See Vin you aren’t the only one who can make a car pun.

Monsters v Aliens

A long time ago in a land far far away, well the year 2001 to be precise Shrek arrived and set the benchmark for modern day animation.  Shrek had the one thing that many other children’s films did not have - the adult factor and because of this a franchise was spawned that peaked at Shrek2 and died an undignified death at Shrek the Third.  Every animated movie since the release of Shrek has desperately tried to gain adult acceptance as that is were the true money lies and on the Easter Weekend we were treated to Monsters v Aliens.

It stars the usual big Hollywood names in the trendy fashion that is voicing a CGI kids film.  This time we had the talents of Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogan (who is more than everywhere these days), a British Huge Laurie as the Monsters and Keifer Sutherland hamming it up voice style as General Monger.  I don’t know what it was, maybe because I actually liked the actors voicing the characters but I thought they were all great.  Reese Witherspoon did a great job as Susan (Ginormica) and Seth Rogan is apparently just as funny doing voice work (and gaining most of the laughs) as the literally brainless B.O.B.

The story is as basic as it gets.  Monsters are imprisoned.  Aliens attack.  Monsters fight Aliens and are accepted into the world.  Although the story is basic that isn’t a criticism.  It was simple enough for the young kids to follow but it is the telling of the story and all the little side scenes such as those involving the President of America and all the daft clichés were for the adults.

The animation was fantastic to look at.  It had all the polish of Pixar without the over smaltzy Disneyness that usually accompanies it and was just as funny as the rough and ready Ice Age series (which in my view outranks Shrek any day of the week!)

There were some very funny set pieces and the action was fast and exciting.  There was nothing to scary for very young children but there is enough action that the older kids (and adults!) will be impressed by.  I will admit to laughing out loud on more that once occasion especially at the “global warming - convenient truth” quip that no body else in the audience seemed to pick up on.

I would give the movie 8/10.  It is an animated movie that you can actually volunteer to take your kids to and enjoy it just as much as they can.  There probably will be a sequel but if you look at Shrek (again) the second one is always better!!

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

There are enough movies out there, all of which set in different countries, locations, time periods and they all have one important point.  Zombies Kill.  They are created by chance - an experiment gone wrong, nuclear warfare, dodgy medication or quite simply that last living zombie you thought you had killed just before the happy-ever-after montage started wasn’t completely “Dead” and started the whole pandemic up again…..So if you haven’t got the basics covered then quite frankly you only have yourself to blame.

Learn from the movies people, even by watching Shaun of the Dead you can learn how to survive.  If you wont watch it for entertainment then watch to live.

There are five short and easy steps that should be adhered to in order to increase the likelihood of surviving the inconvenience of a Zombie Apocalypse 

Step 1: Chose you allies
Every living person needs a group of friends to ride out the Zombie Apocalypse with.  If you are a loner then give up now as let’s face it if you do survive who are you going to celebrate with?  If you have 2001facebook pals or a phone full of people you went to high school with 10 frickin’ years ago then it just means that you are simply desperate to be popular and have some low-self esteem issues and in the real world, you know the one with the Zombie Apocalypse, it means jack-shit.  

You need a group of about six people and as Cliché Dictates/God Commands it.

They should be roughly the following:

The Guy:    
Average age 20-30 with looks ranging from “reasonably attractive” to “oh shit I’ve just lost a chuck of my calf muscle as I was staring at the incredibly hot man and I am 100% heterosexual…honestly”  Usually in the form of a clean cut rich boy with scarily white teeth.  He will be wearing a sweater that subtly hints at some serious muscle underneath. 

The Guy’s Gorgeous Girl:    
The Guy of the group must have a G.G as he needs to be able to save someone in a heroic manly fashion and lets face it with that body and those teeth he isn’t going to rescue an Ugly Betty.

The Ugly Betty:    
The G.G.G’s best friend.  The Fat Cox to the Beautiful Aniston.  In real life 97% of woman will fulfil this role.  You are frumpy and ugly.  Your chances of survival are quite high until you are trapped with the G.G.G and you both need to be saved.  You will be used as bait so that The Guy can get the G.G.G to safety.  They will watch your painful death from a safe spot nearby and quite frankly if you couldn’t see the safe spot yourself then you deserve all you get.

The Guys Best Fuckin Friend Forever:    
The Guys one true love.  You will die. The Guy will cry thereby increasing his level of prettiness and his chances of survival.  

The Nerd:    
Every group needs a nerd.  That one token retard/brain box whose sole purpose for existing is to make the rest of the gang look super cool.  Loners mentioned above please take heart from this as you can become a valuable asset to another group.  You will die of course and but let‘s face it - it‘s better to die a bit player in someone else’s story than being the star player in your own - let’s try and keep this thing realistic.

The Comedian:    
You will undoubtedly get the wittiest one liners in your bid to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and people will be quoting you like they quote the bible or the latest Will Ferrell Comedy but you will die and in an ironic twist of fate you will just have to live with that.

The aforementioned six is a typical group that will form to ride out the zombie pandemic but if you cannot form this type of group, for example, my three chosen Apocalypse Pals nor myself fall into any of the criteria above but there are steps you can take to beef up you group i.e. recruit extras to your squad solely for the purpose of letting them be killed off.  It’s dirty but fuck it.  There are no rules in war.

The Obnoxious Guy:
Let’s face it everyone knows an O.B, you know the kind, always leaving the toilet seat up, laughs at Jack Black Jokes, honks his horn in traffic (he will usually be driving some phallic shaped car) and such like.  No one who laughs at Jack Black Jokes can survive and join the New World Order so he has to go.  It should be pointed out that Jack Black will not survive either….There may be a Zombie Apocalypse but every cloud has a silver lining.

The “Let’s Be Friends Hippy”:
Some flower power 60’s reject who is all about love and peace.  He can be dispensed of as he will no doubt reason with the zombie, communicate with it and try and be friends.  This act of LSD induced stupidity will occur when you are trapped giving you and your friends aka the Main Group a chance to get the fuck outa dodge.

The Slut:
The Slut is a bit player in any story, hogging all the sex scenes for herself and wearing the most ridiculous shoes.  She will no doubt be named after something French.  The one fact that never gets any less enjoyable, no matter who The Slut is - the more graphic the sex scene - the more graphic the death scene.

The Fat Person:
Arguably this could merge the U.B or an Ugly Berty but it never hurts to have a F.P with you.  He will take up most of the back seat in the mini van you have stolen, he will eat all the supply food he and will have the added inconvenience of being ugly but he will die thereby causing you to live.  It’s the Z.A and sacrifices have to be made.

Also, depending on how long said Z.A lasts you might need food for the winter.  Since the inconsiderate fat fuck has eaten all the cans of beans and peas (which were the only cans in your house) he can finally prove himself useful. Please note that the XXXL tee-shirt can provide shelter and various garments for those who have survived him namely the Main Group.  I don’t want to insult the F.P by insinuating that he will not be able to outrun a lame Zombie enabling you to scamper off to safety.

The Old Person:
They make a handy decoy/sacrifice.  Since most relatives don’t bother visiting an O.P in the retirement home when all is well with the world chances of them mounting a daring rescue of an O.P are slim.  You can rest assured that there will be plenty of expendable O.P’s floating around.  They die quickly but they are large in number and easily replenished.    

If your group is not particularly ethnically diverse, you don’t have a foreign exchange student, you don’t have a child or a member of the physically impaired community don’t feel bad.  The world is coming to an end,  the shit has hit the fan, chaos is killing dinosaurs, no one is thinking of the children anymore - you just don’t have time to be politically correct.  

Your group is now formed.

Step 2: Chose your soundtrack.

Every event in your life must be accompanied by a sound track and the Z.A is no exception. You don’t want a Canadian Ballad creeping in when you are doing something particularly bad-ass thus destroying your mojo so please people prepare your sound track.  Rock songs with heavy guitars should be used when being particularly bad-ass, and don’t forget something soothing for when the G.B.F.F.F dies as there will be plenty of tears.

Go wild with your soundtrack.  Anything Non-Canadian-Ballad goes…….C.B’s can creep into death scenes, sad montages, uplifting montages and they can even trick you by forming the main theme of you’re Z.A Orchestral Score and this is more terrifying that the Z.A itself.

If he is around get John Williams. If Danny Elfman shows feed him to the Zombies, or kill him yourself and frame a zombie….

It is also important to record your soundtrack on various formats.  The Z.A will last longer that a standard I-Pod battery and if the battery dies before you do then you are have taken your little rowing boat up shit creak and the F.P has eaten your oars, more bluntly put - you are screwed.  You must outlive your sound track.  

Add it to your I-Pod yes, but also take a few minutes and record it to C.D, if you find an old cassette tape then record it on there too as the big noisy car that you are going to steal towards the end of the Z.A wont have a C.D player.

Some people may want to put their sound track  onto a record.  How this can be done I do not know but if you find yourself holed up in a basement of someone’s father there is bound to be a record player and you may need to play your “trapped in a basement song”….Luck favours the musically prepared.

Step 3: Transport.

Let’s face it, if you do not have a Guy or an O.G in your group you are going to be driving a run -of- the-mill-every-man-car which is something you should only feel reasonably embarrassed about.  You are not Will Smith, you will not have a Ford G.T to scoot around New York in, embrace that fact and content yourself with the knowledge that you will be able to play Grand Theft Auto whilst the fuzz are busy trying to keep hysterical women calm.

If you are the driver of your group your survival is almost guaranteed but only if you can hotwire a car.  You need not know how to fill it with petrol, change a tyre or possess basic maintenance and repair skills as you are going to G.T.A your way to safety. 

Please note that you will have to G.T.A some real shit-heaps before you can get your Eleanor.  Patience is a virtue and your reward - the car of your dreams.  This point is pretty much null and void if you are in The Guys group.  He will already own and be driving the car of his dreams and as you are in his story you will always be a passenger.  

It is vital that your sound track contains enough car jacking songs, driving songs and that one song you can cry to when you crash your Eleanor into the side of the kerb, she waits until you are clear then bursts into flames.  This song needs to be more emotional than the G.B.F.F.F’s .

There is a clear cut correlation between awesome sound track and awesome car.

Step 4: Food

If you have a F.P in your group supplies will constantly be running low until he is violently maimed by Zombies.  The fuzz are still busy with the hysterical women so its ram-raiding season baybee.  Please note that the best cars for ram-raiding are the shit-heaps.  

Feel free to park in any disabled space you want or drive straight through the automated doors and take all the M&S Food that you can carry/your F.P can scoff.  

The F.P will traditionally stay away from low fat products so grab some Nutri-Grain Bars for the M.G and let Piggy feast on Doritos and Frosties.  

The F.P will avoid perishables such as fruit and veg (it will eat potatoes but only if they are deep fried!) but the down side is these will perish quickly.  The upside is you get to go ram-raiding again so everyone’s a winner babe.  

Until you make it to the new formed Utopia you will have to scavenge for food.  This is usually an exciting experience as Zombies tend to hang out in shopping malls.

Step 5: Destination

Even if you are not American the Z.A will take place in America as it is the only place on earth.   You will turn into an American and there you will live out the Z.A

There is only one destination.  Boston.

No-one ever comes from Boston but that is the location were everyone goes when something’s going down in the USA.  

You will not need a road map/sat-nav or celestial navigation skills as all humans are genetically programmed to know when/how/why to head to Boston.  

There are no excuses people, if you have read this you have the survival knowledge.  Now all you need is  plan, weapon of choice and a wicked name for your group but if the 5 Steps are in place the hard work is done…obviously.

Wolverine

In 2003 X2 arrived and marked one of the strongest Marvel sequels ever made and inevitably in 2006 X3-The Last Stand arrived and boy did it suck. A change of director caused a change of setting, style, tone, character development and to be frank skill. The man who brought the world Chris Tucker almost single-handedly killed of a franchise so here we are three years later in 2009 with the X-Men Team dropped and replaced by the first of a new Origins series and of course we start with Wolverine, the show hog of the first three movies.

The opening sequence follows Wolverines back-story from a brief childhood scene to his many cameos at each major war America has been involved in - so there are quite a lot. James (young Wolverine) and Victor (Young Sabertooth) travel the world together and in true montage form Victor strays further towards the dark-side whereas James becomes more moralistic with each war. At the end of the opening credits montage we are introduced to William Stryker. James and Victor are recruited into his mercenary programme, which include mutants as Agent Zero, Beak (rather pointless) John Wraith (token black character), Fred Dukes, who literally grows into Blob and Wade Wilson played by the scene stealing Ryan Reynolds.

The hype surrounding the Wade Wilson cameo was huge and it would be interesting to see just how large that role was intended to be. Ryan Reynolds had about ten lines in total but completely stole the show as anyone who fights with swords in an automatic machine gun era generally would. This didn't surprise me and I was ready for all the Deadpool Origins rumours that would no doubt start but the fate his character met has made be doubt that would ever happen which is the most depressing part of the whole movie.

Obviously the most important aspect of any Wolverine story is adamantium and we were treated to a strong solid explanation as to how he came to be equipped with his adamantium skeleton and claws and it was done in such a way that justified Wolverines need for vengeance against Stryker and Sabertooth and he enlists the help of Remy le Beau, Gambit, an escapee from The Island (stupid name), a facility Stryker had set up to experiment on mutants to create a super mutant.

Fans of Wolverine, X-Men and Marvel either love Gambit or hate him. There are those who think it is sacrilege that the only mention of Gambit in the X-Men movies is his name flashing up on a computer and there are those who think that he would add nothing to proceedings. I am a 90's kid, I watched the X-Men cartoon so I am the former. I was eagerly awaiting Gambits first appearance on the big screen and I wasn't disappointed. The accent wasn't quite what I was expecting but was anyone ever honestly expecting a good Cajun accent? If anything it is most likely a Gambit Origins movie we will get when you see how his character was left hanging in the end -Wolverine ditched him and he never caught up with Scott Summers and Emma Frost so never got to join the X-Men…..nice cameo at the end by the way! 

Liev Schrieber was very good as Sabertooth - as good as Jackman is Wolverine. They played off each other well but they were both out performed in the fight stakes by Weapon 11 in the final battle but if ever there is a call to have Sabertooth in a movie I hope they have Schriebers number on speed dial.

I was looking forward to Wolverine but I was nervous too. If this movie bombed it would probably mark the end of the X series and poor cold water on any future attempts at a spin off but luckily it was a good movie. It was quite slow to start with but once injected with adamantium the movie picked up pace and we were off. As with most action movies the love interest scenes are the weakest but that is just part and parcel of any movie.

I would give it 7/10. It loses a point for the lack of Deadpool, Gambit, the pointless lumberjack scenes (just get on with it) and a point for throwing in a full naked Jackman waterfall scene without prior warning as I nearly choked on my Smarties trying to get my neck craned at the appropriate angle at such rapid speed. Other than that it was all good.

Coraline

Coraline follows the story of a young girl (voiced by Dakota Fanning) who has just moved into a new house with her parents (Terri Hatcher and John Hodgman). As her parents are too busy to spend time with her she goes exploring and comes across a doorway in the living room wall which leads her to an alternate reality where she meets her Other Mother and Other Father and a the usual morality tale ensues.

This children's movie is directed by Henry Selick, the genius behind The Nightmare Before Christmas the kids film that adults enjoy more than any child so although it is bright and colourful be warned that the plot itself is told in a really dark manner which is not suitable for young children. The Other Mother is a fantastically scary Character that even Maleficent would have nightmares about. There were a couple of five to six year olds that were not happy during some of the scarier moments of the movie and to be honest I was more scared during Coraline than I have ever been during an adult horror movie.

Unlike most children's films there is a very strong story being told on screen and there is something very unsettling about the buttons for eyes idea.

The version I watched was in 3D and there were some nice moments but this movie, although gorgeous to look at is all about the story so if you cant see it in 3D then do not worry.

There isn't the usual celebrity voice cast which is refreshing and the movie contains some very clever set pieces and characters.

I would give it an 8/10. It is a fantastically brightly coloured, dark in content story which is not suitable for children under five and adults over twenty-three

State of Play

State of Play stars Russell Crowe as Cal McAffrey a journalist who is investigating a sex scandal involving his former college roommate Stephen Collins (Ben Affleck).  In true Hollywood form Cal is smarter than the Washington police force and uncovers a bigger story resulting in the privatisation of domestic security but he needs to find a named source to run his story here we are introduced to Rachel McAdams’ Della Frye who assists him in his quest i.e. to find out who is being conned and by whom.

 

The plot of State of Play isn’t really anything original but Russell Crowe can give any movie an extra something special which in an unfortunate twist of fate as Ben Affleck has the opposite effect.

 

The movie had originally cast Brad Pitt and Edward Norton two actors who do have chemistry but the chemistry between Crowe and Affleck fell flat the fact that the audience are met to believe that Ben Affleck is old enough to room with Russell Crowe is perhaps asking the audience to dispense their belief in the movies reality a tad too much.

 

Helen Mirren (being overly British with her choice of swearwords), Jeff Daniels and the ever annoying Jason Bateman make up the supporting cast.

 

Although there is nothing new in the movie you can become engrossed in the story but you will not be surprised at how it ends.

 

There were a few unintentionally funny moments, with a horrible photo-shopped army photo and Rachel McAdams regression from an intelligent reporter to Russell Crowes lap dog (at the end she went literally skipping off behind him) which interrupted the serious proceedings.

 

I would give it  7/10.  It wasn’t new.  It wasn’t fresh but it was watchable which is probably the biggest con of the whole movie.

Star Trek

I am not a Star Trek fan.  I know who Captain Kirk is, I have heard of Spock, Scotty and a Klingon, although admittedly all I know of them is if you get one of the starboard bow you are screwed.  I went to see Star Trek not to pick plot holes, inconsistencies with the original or to have a bitch in general - I went solely because it looked like a good movie.

The opening scene focuses on George Kirk, father of James T, becoming Captain of the Enterprise and rescuing eight hundred people in a total of twelve minutes, sacrificing his life in the process.  The opening battle was beautifully shot - the sound of the explosions were muted and we had the pleasure of hearing a simple orchestral score over the action.  It was the kind of shot a lesser movie would have ended on rather that opened with.  This was a good sign.

The movie follows the known crew of the Enterprise though their first battle with the Romulans the leader of them being Eric Banas Nero whose reasons for his mass genocide of the Vulcan race was actually the most confusing  in cinematic history. 

 

The plot, apart from the confusing Romulan back-story was very strong and there were some genuinely funny moments, all of which were intentional.  Simon Pegg, Karl Urban and Chris Pine were all very capable of playing such legendary characters but the casting of Winona Ryder as Spocks mother did throw me slightly -either her life of crime as aged her drastically or else her digital aging was completely unnecessary - just cast someone of the appropriate age or if you feel the need to add a star cameo for the love of god pick an actual star!

I was pleasantly surprised about how good this movie actually was.  I am glad it was an early summer blockbuster as it may have gotten lost in the Transformers2 of T4 hype but it thoroughly enjoys its success and if there is a sequel I would go and see it.

I would give the movie a rare 10/10. I  don’t know if it was consistent with the original series and I don’t care that I probably missed a ton of in-jokes and throw backs to the tv show but what I do know from my complete and utter newbie point of view is that last night I saw a bloody impressive movie.  

Bring on the sequel.