The Eagle

Gladiator, Braveheart and to hell with dignity even Pathfinder. I will watch pretty much any movie set in the historical past. I am a big fan of the “swords n sandals” epic therefore it was with naive high hopes I set off on opening weekend to see The Eagle.

PLOT: Marcus (Channing Tatum) plays the son of a Roman Centurion who lost a coveted Eagle and an entire Legion (the 9th to be exact) over Hadrian’s wall thereby shaming the family name. Marcus accepts a post in Britain in order to bring respect and honour back to his family. After Marcus is injured he is honourably discharged from the army and goes to live with his uncle Donald Sutherland. Marcus saves a young slave Esca (Jamie Bell) and the two set off over the wall in order to retrieve the Eagle and bring it home to Rome. Can Esca be trusted? Can Channing Tatum keep up his British accent? Can they retrieve the Eagle? Why in the name of fucking hell is Mark Strong American? END PLOT.

My love for historical movies is greatly helped by the fact that I know very little about history. My lack of knowledge may make general conversation with a historian short and limited but it has greatly helped my ability to enjoy film without getting all hung up on the details. In the grand scheme of things the latter is much more important and relevant to me.

I have no idea whatsoever of the historical accuracies contained in The Eagle and in my true lazy-ass tradition I will not be researching same.

The entire concept of The Eagle is one large gray area. The supposed hero of The Eagle is Marcus but he is in no way apologetic or remorseful for invading Britain, killing the innocent and taking their lands. The only real crime of the Scottish tribe who have taken the eagle is being violent in the defence of their country and perhaps being a tad smug about their theft by performing a drug induced tribal style dance ceremony around it, in what has been I assume, a regular occurrence for the past twenty or so years. The entire movie is based on a murky event in which a right and wrong isn’t clear. Luckily The Eagle has a hero in Esca and at least gives the audience someone who isn’t completely selfish to route for - who doesn’t like a genuinely nice guy?

The Eagle does become disjointed in Act 2 with a role reversal subplot which lasts slightly too long. We are in age of the bromance and perhaps the middle section would have been improved by more interaction between Marcus and Esca.

The relationship between Marcus and Esca is as one would expect - two men go off on an adventure not quite trusting one another, friendship grows, the seeds of mistrust are sown, a misunderstanding is erm reaped (?) and a fully fledged brotherly bond blossoms.

I am not a major Channing Tatum fan as he is a bit too All American for me and I had major reservations about the accent but he was fine. He looks good in Roman getup and although the accent was poor by the time it fizzled out completely I was so into the film I didn’t notice.

Jamie Bell is a growing favourite and will be a huge star in the not to distance future. Esca was the most sympathetic character and Jamie portrayed this very well.

The weakest link in the cast, and I cannot believe what I am about to say, is Mark Strong. Mark was in two sections of The Eagle in what was essentially an extended cameo. His first scene was fine and the usual Mark Strong excellence was deployed but in his second section jeez he suddenly put on the worst American accent I have heard in a long time. It stuck out like a sore thumb and quite frankly it has forever tarnished the legacy of Mark Strong. The sudden and unnecessary arrival of an American accent so obviously fake will never be forgiven or forgotten.

The action scenes were surprisingly good and they were violent. I know that a 12A rating is quite broad these days but I think they just scraped it and no more.

The Eagle is set in Britain in 120AD and the entire look of the movie was cold and wet and coming from Ireland, although not being around in 120AD, I can confirm that global warming has not had any effect whatsoever on the weather as it is still cold and wet. Some of the shots over the Scottish Highlands were stunning - but wet.

The Roman costumes were as expected but I cannot look at a Roman Centurion
without thinking of this:

Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!

Aside from a slightly sluggish 2nd Act I really enjoyed The Eagle. I am prepared to give Channing Tatum the benefit of the doubt and it has confirmed the class of Jamie Bell. The Eagle gets an 8/10 and I know I will get this on blu-ray when the time comes. It is flawed in parts but its part of a genre that I love.

Unknown

I love movies and I like to think that my knowledge and appreciation of film is growing to an almost half respectable level. **

Having said that I do spent the vast majority of my cinema going time watching very and on some cases embarrassingly mainstream movies therefore it will come as no surprise to those who know me to learn that there I was on a midweek trip to see Unknown

PLOT: Liam Neeson plays Martin Harris (or does he) a doctor of a science I can neither spell nor pronounce. Martin and his wife (January Jones) travel to Berlin and upon their arrival Martin gets into a car crash and ends up in a coma. Martin awakens four days later to find that no one is looking for him and after carrying out a brief investigation finds that an impostor has taken his place and his wife. There is corruption, there are assassination attempts on Princes and Professors, there are explosions and there is a sense of comfort and relief in the knowledge that although he is ageing Liam Neeson is still one of the coolest people to have come from Northern Ireland (after the members of The Nerdy Trio) (obviously). END PLOT.

The plot of Unknown is pretty standard fare but it doesn’t have delusions of grandeur and there are enough twists and turns involved in order to make it bearable. It is basic but entertaining and sometimes that is all you require.

Unknown was shot with the colour sapped which made Berlin look cold and run down. This suited the movie very well. Unknown did such a good job of making Berlin look unpleasant I now have no real desire to ever go there.

Liam Neeson has got the performance of the only American with a Northern Irish accent down to a fine art. Whenever Martin Harris proudly announced that he was an American in his Ballymena accent the cinema screen failed to suppress their laughter. This has become a running joke with Liam Neeson and the punchline never gets any less amusing. It is especially funny whenever Neeson is trying to portray frustration as it always screams agitated Irishman - although this is all part of the reason why we love him.

Neeson was fine as Martin Harris although the role didn’t exactly stretch him in terms of performance.

January Jones was just awful in every way imaginable and put in one of the worst performances I have had the misfortune of watching. Everything about her casting was wrong. Her character Liz also died one of the most pointless deaths in movie history by running into the room with a bomb and remaining there. Liz apparently didn’t have the strength to smash a mirror (which the bomb was behind) but she was perfectly capable of successfully taking a sledgehammer to a stone wall. It’s annoying whenever bad people in movies are killed off because bad people in film must always get their comeuppance. The death of Liz was completely amateurish.

The rest of the cast, with the exception of the also miscast Aidan Quinn, were fine but this was always going to be a Neeson movie.

The problem is my love for Liam Neeson is obscuring my opinion of this movie, the same thing happened the other week with The Adjustment Bureau. Everything about Unknown was average and run of the mile but I just can’t help but like it.

There are times when a “leave your brain” at the door movie is enough to kill two hours quite nicely and if Liam Neeson wants to add another film to his run of Taken and Unknown I wont be complaining.

Unknown gets a 7/10 (or does it). Liam Neeson can keep doing what he is doing until the time comes when he retires to the sweeping valleys and hills of the green green grass of Los Angeles.

** This claim unfortunately does not extend to the zombie genre although the day is fast approaching (my Easter break) when someone will sit me down and tell me what order to watch the Romero films in.

The Lincoln Lawyer - spoiler alert.

There are actors which I take pleasure in hating and Matthew McConaughey is one of those actors. It is my love for film and my inability to live with the knowledge that I have missed out on a cinema trip which meant that I was in the front row of the semi-comfortable premier seating area to see The Lincoln Lawyer.

PLOT: Mick (Matthew McConaughey) is a defence lawyer who does business with his criminal clientèle, which predominantly consists one biker gang, from the back seat of his chauffeur driven Lincoln. Mick is hired to represent Lewis (Ryan Phillippe) a man accused of violently assaulting a prostitute. Lewis violently assaulted the prostitute. Mick must keep Lewis out of jail or find himself framed for killing his assistant played by William H Macy. William H Macy has long shiny hair. Mick gets Lewis off the hook. Mick gets Lewis arrested for another crime. The justice system prevails unless of course you are an innocent $400.00 an hour prostitute who has just been violently assaulted. END PLOT

I do like a good court room thriller and The Lincoln Lawyer is exactly this. The plot is strong and there were enough twists and turns to keep me totally hooked. The movie of course is nothing new or ground breaking but that matters not.

I hate Matthew McConaughey and I hate all of the boring run of the mill rom-coms in which he has chosen to appear - he is the male equivalent of Jennifer Aniston and is born from spawn so evil even the devil lives in fear.

McConaughey is the reason I was apprehensive about this film. Matthew recently went through life threatening Kate Hudson removal surgery and appears to have recovered exceptionally well. McConaughey puts in a strong performance with a heavy dosage of charm thrown in. I will give him his dues - he does know how to play a lawyer.

Ryan Phillippe plays the spoiled yet dangerous Lewis very well and you would be hard pressed not to like William H Macy and his long shiny hair.

I really liked The Lincoln Lawyer and as much as I hate to admit it - it is because of McConaughey. It wont surprise anyone when I announce that I haven’t read the book but if they make a sequel I wouldn’t be too unhappy.

The Lincoln Lawyer gets an 8/10. McConaughey gets the benefit of the doubt for this one but I am still wary. I hope he sees the positive correlation between keeping his shirt on and making a decent movie

The Adjustment Bureau

I saw a trailer for The Adjustment Bureau in the cinema a long time ago and I immediately filed it under my mental “movies to look out for” log however fast forward to some considerable time after this event I found myself in the cinema not actually remembering anything about The Adjustment Bureau and why I was so excited about the film in the first place.

PLOT: David (Matt Damon) a politician who has just lost an election meets Elise (Emily Blunt) a quirky dancer who has just dared herself to crash a wedding and falls instantly in love. The Chairman has other ideas and sends his crack squad of Adjusters to intercept this unrequited love and keep both David and Elise on their preordained paths. The bitch that is Chance gets in the way of the Chairman’s plans. David and Elise try to outrun the Bureau. The Bureau can teleport through doors only if they wear a hat. David puts on a hat in a bid to outsmart The Bureau. David outsmarts the Bureau. David and Elise go to the top of a skyscraper in a bid to speak to the Chairman. The Chairman, pleased with the stubborn defiance of David and Emily rewards their blasphemous actions by allowing them to remain together forever or until they divorce. END PLOT

The fact that The Adjustment Bureau is based on a novel matters not to me since I have not read it but the plot is pure undiluted bollocks.

The Chairman is God and the Adjustment Bureau are his angels. It isn’t subtle but it doesn’t try to be. The angels have limited powers which can only be utilised when they are wearing a hat. The Chairman being so worldly wise implemented this little caveat in order to keep his employees from staging some sort of Bureaucratic coup and kicking him off the Board.

Towards the end of the movie it is made abundantly clear that it is not the angels but rather their hats which wield the power and this provides an explanation as to why David can suddenly develop their attributes with very little formal training - there wasn't even a montage!

I will admit to putting on a hat and turning a door knob in a dramatic fashion in order to see if I too could transport myself to an alternate location but alas either my knob turning wasn’t dramatic enough or my hat wasn’t the right style. I just looked rather silly wearing a hat in doors whilst bursting into the kitchen and scaring the shit out of my mother.

Hats - blessed by god but not to be trusted.

The hat concept brought about a line which was uttered with such sincerity that it was wonderfully unintentionally funny - during the dramatic finish we are told by an angel “be careful, don’t trust anyone with a hat.” Any cinema regular would have found this line amusing but The Nerdy Trio always take things too far as we have been living by this rule for years to the extent that it is a normal part of our lives.

The Adjustment Bureau had the potential to be awful but it is saved by two things: Matt Damon and Emily Blunt. Damon and Blunt are favourites and I was pleased to see that they worked well together.

If The Adjustment Bureau had fallen into the hands of a lesser actor, and by that I mean someone like Nicolas Cage, it would have been just awful. It was saved solely by the fact that I already liked the cast.

The Adjustment Bureau isn’t a good movie and I would find it hard to recommend it to anyone but I can’t help but like it. It was fun, charming and it passed ninety minutes quite nicely. It gets a 7/10.

I can only hope The Adjustment Bureau raises public awareness of dangerous and shifty hat wearing bastards.

An Odyssey of Epic Proportions - Or How We Got Lost On The Way To The Cinema - Act 2

After the disaster with the singing men
Events needed to go back to normal again
So at the next island the four girls landed
Hoping now they would no longer be stranded
Miles from home, lost at sea and
Cut off from all of humanity.

The girls they parked and left the car
Hoping that safety wasn’t too far
Expectant as they wondered into town
“Where is everyone?” asked Emma with a frown
The town square it was deadly quiet
And it looked as though there had been a riot

Cars were on fire and shop windows were broken
But these acts of vandalism went unspoken
The gang were busy looking for the town folk
After wandering for an hour Sarah finally spoke

“Why is there nobody here?”
The reason for the carnage still wasn’t clear
“We should split up and have a look around”
“Kara the logic in that statement is not sound -
You know what can happen in that situation”
After a few moments of silent contemplation
Kara agreed that together they should stay

“Karina and I are going this way”
Emma then suddenly said
“Em you really must be out of your head
Splitting up will render us as good as dead”
“Well you and Saz stay here and keep guard
Finding help in a small town shouldn’t be hard,
We wont be a moment and we’ll be right back”

Kara and Karina swapped worryingly glances
Saying things like that would increase the chances
Of proceedings thereafter going quite wrong
“Will you stop worrying - we wont be long”

Emma marched off with Karina in tow
Who began huffing as she didn’t want to go.
Sarah dashed into a shop for a look,
Kara sat in the sun with a book

Karina and Emma walked on down the street
But not one person did they meet.
Karina suddenly stopped as they passed an alley
Emma muttered at her not to dally

“Emma you might want to take a look at this
And I swear to you I’m not taking the piss but
There is a half eaten man lying down here”
Emma was trying hard not to swear
The drama of the past few days was becoming hard to bear

She was beginning to feel that she was alone
In actually wanting to find a way home.
“You know something about this town stinks
And looking at this poor bastard has made me think....”

“You thinking is something that one wouldn’t advise”
Said Emma trying to come over all wise
She wandered into the alley for a look
And the sight of the man almost made her puke

“What the hell is going on” She coughed and spluttered
Karina was looking at her like a nutter
“There is only one thing that would eat a man's head -
I bet this place is filled with the walking dead”

“Okay now you are getting out of hand
this is not a bloody Zombie Land.”
The girls they stood and looked at the torso
And the silence in the alley grew ever more so

Until there was a mighty crash
Which made the girls want to turn and dash
But they couldn’t move, they could only stare
At the mops of ginger hair stumbling over some bins
“Bloody hell is that a set of undead twins?”

Two ginger twin girls all covered in blood
Were limping towards Karina and Emma
Who found themselves in quite a dilemma

“Should we speak to them or get out of here before they come?”
“Fuck it if you think I am talking to red-rum!”
Cried Karina as she turn to leave
Grabbing Emma roughly by her sleeve

As the two girls jogged back to the others
Emma was now becoming quite flustered
“There is obviously something going on
But the idea of zombies is completely wrong
There is no such thing as the walking dead!”
“You clearly have never read World War Z”

When they found Kara she reading outside a shop
Sarah was looting inside for new shoes and a top
They ran up to her and Karina excitedly said -
“Kara! This place is crawlin’ with the walking undead”
“Karina if you say that again I will smack you in the head”
“Emma you saw those girls for yourself
It really couldn’t be anything else -”

“If it’s zombies then we really shouldn’t linger”
Said Kara nervously starting to bite her fingers
“Dude I saw them they were all bloody and ginger!!”
“Ginger zombies! It all sounds very scary”
Kara was beginning to feel quite wary

The girls waited for Sarah to arrive
So they could figure out how to survive
After commenting that Sarah’s new footwear was lovely
They filled her in on the gruesome discovery.

It was decided that they should get the fuck out of dodge
But until morning they’d hold up in a lodge
As night was coming and they were losing the light
That is needed to keep hordes of zombies in sight

“Isn’t it just great now were are losing the sun
The zombies now we will never out run”
“Emma with your point you epically did fail
As running zombies obviously aren’t real”

Then there was an almighty crack
And Karina’s head was given a rather hard smack.
As she pathetically rubbed at her throbbing head
Kara rather ingeniously said:

“Saz did the shop you were looting have sunglasses
We might as well fight zombies lookin’ like bad-asses”
“There were no glasses you’ll be sorry to learn
We will just have to fight zombies lookin like nerds”

“Never mind that we need some place to rest
And I think an abandoned house would be best”
Emma lead the girls off to find the nearest abandoned house
The girls were quieter than a mouse.

They quickly neared the main streets end
But as they stealthily turned around a bend
They were greeted by a gruesome sight
And the four girls all stepped back in fright

At the top of the street a lone zombie stood
Which began walking towards them as they were food.
The girls they stared as the zombie moaned
and moved towards them at a slow speed.
The girls simply jogged past - running there was no need

For if you believe the internet talk
Then a zombie can only just about walk
The girls jogged for a bit and turned to look back
To see the zombie shuffling along
Then as per usual the internet was wrong
The zombie gave out a loud groan and started to jog

The girls could only watch in horror
As the lone zombie would soon be a bother
“I wish at this moment I had a gun” Said Karina
As the impending zombie broke into a run

“Sorry to tell you but your Zombie Survival Guide
Is either incorrect or has in fact lied”
“Emma I hope this zombie rips out your throat
Since you are too keen to scoff and gloat.”

“I still don’t believe it’s a zombie outbreak”
“Well you stay and chat with him then for fuck sake”
Snapped Karina as she ran down the street with Kara and Sarah

Emma followed too but she would never admit
That she was starting to buy into this zombie shit
The girls they ran and the zombie it followed
Then suddenly a stranger stepped out of a van
proclaiming to be a zombie-hunter-man

He shouted at the girls who were causing a riot
And would surely bring zombies to ruin his quiet
As he complained the girls ran on past
The zombie jumped on the man and they fell on the grass

The hunter did yell as the zombie bit
“That’ll teach you for being a snobby git”
Cried Sarah looking back and the scene
The man's only reply was a deathly scream.

The zombie began to noisily munch
And settled for his alternative lunch.
The girls now tired slowed back to a walk
All of them now too breathless to talk

Trying to overcome their initial shock
The girls tried house doors but they were all locked
The next house they tried was a run down shack
but they tried their luck around the back

Thankfully the door was unlocked
But before they entered they heard a familiar sound
Karina tapped Emma’s shoulders and turned her around
“Now look over there towards that shed
And tell me that isn’t the walking undead”

Emma had to admit that the one armed man dressed in Abercrombie
Was none other than a walking zombie,
“What the hell!” sweet Emma cried
Alarmed at the sight of someone who had died
All bloodied and bruised and groaning so loud
Even Romero himself would surely be proud

It began walking towards her with its arms outstretched
And events did rather become far fetched
As Kara leapt onto an electric lawn cutter
And cut through the zombie like a knife through butter
Until all that was left was a bloody arm and hand
(But nicely dressed in a trendy brand)

In shock the girls were unable to speak but
They all knew Kara got Zombie Kill of The Week
“Okay” said Emma “The zombies idea is true
So what the hell are we supposed to do?”

“I have an idea which you are sure to thank….”
“Kara don’t you dare mention finding a tank
You plan is flawed in may ways and will
Lead us to the end of our days”

The girls entered the house and barricaded the door
Not wanting to deal the zombies any more
They planned to take turns as a guard
But events of the day had made it quite hard
And promptly they all fell asleep.

As daybreak finally broke
The four girls all suddenly woke
Wondering on what to do now
They decided on a friendship vow

Full Marine Code was unanimously agreed
So therefore it was solemnly decreed
That no man would be left behind
On the journey back to the car
The problem being the harbour was quite far

They slowly left the house in silence
Hoping to avoid any further zombie violence
They walked passed the body of the zombie-hunter-man
And Sarah stopped to have a look in his van

In a rather convenient turn of events
They found an abundance of helpful presents
The van was filled to the brim with weapons
“Now let’s go and have some fun”
said Karina confidently cocking a gun

The girls they carried the guns in their hands
Each preparing to make their last stand
They walked through town with their tools
(All four girls felt ridiculously cool)

All went quite smoothly and the car was in view
Then the shit hit the fan and they thought they were screwed
The zombies appeared in large droves
Still looking quite human in their clothes

They fired their guns in a bid to get past
Knowing the bullets wouldn’t forever last
Sarah was worried about her clothes and complexion
Kara and Karina were enjoying the fun and action

Emma suddenly thought what the hell
And started to enjoy herself as well.
They almost reached the car without a hitch when
Emma scored a head shot quipping
“Eat that you bitch!”

Kara and Saz stopped what they were doing to cheer
Not caring that stopping could cost them dear
Thankfully Karina ran ahead to start the car
And in a manoeuvre you would think was rehearsed
Aramis was started and successfully reversed

The girls they dived into the car
As the zombies fell into the water
Their groaning muted by the sound of laughter
As the girls were happy they survived the island

The laughter died and the girls calmed down
Sarah’s smile slowly turned to a frown
“We still are no nearer to home
And I am not cut out to roam”

“Well the current appears to be turning us east
And away from the zombies for the moment at least
We should feel lucky there are scarier things than the walking dead
Luckily no sparkling vampires raised their shovel faced heads”

Karina held the gun she would forever keep
And like the others she soon fell asleep
Dreaming of the awesome events that would surely be
Covered in great depth in Act Three.

Act 1
The Bridge 

The Bridge - An Odyssey Of Epic Proportions - Or How We Got Lost On the Way To The Cinema - The Bridge between Act 1 and Act 2

The car it floated through the night
With land never appearing in sight
The girls were singing songs to see them through
Until their arrival at Act 2.

Then something happened which almost cost them dear
When Emma piped up “can you guys hear?”
The girls they listened and agreed they could
Ignore the song they really should

But Karina turned the car towards the voice
(It really was the obvious choice)
The voices sang a song so sweet
The men the girls were dying to meet

“Look there’s land! We are going to make it!”
The girls could see the men were quite naked.
Being enticed in by their song
The gang couldn’t see that something was wrong.

They drove on past the sunken ships
Of girls gone past on previous trips
Who also heard the naked men sing
And lost their lives to marvel at such a thing

“Quickly” cried Sarah “How do I look?”
“Like you’ve just murdered an angry midget”
Said Kara who was beginning to fidget
“You had your chance in the last Act
These men are ours and that’s a fact”

“I am now officially single
And have as much right as you guys to mingle”
The men’s voices began to sound quite manic
And Karina tried hard to hide her panic

“What’s the hold up with the parking?”
The other three couldn’t help in remarking
“I am having some trouble in finding a space
There are other ships abandoned all over the place”

“Seriously this is just our luck
To lose out on the men because your parking sucks”
“Its not my fault I am really trying”
The girls in their bickering didn’t notice
The ghosts of the other girls were crying
Trying to warn them they were moments from dying

The men's voices sang much stronger
As the parking was taking a lot longer
Than girl or ghost or man could bear
“Look there’s one right over there”

Cried Emma stretching out her finger
“Meh” said Karina still appearing to linger
“I might have to reverse into that one
And that is not something that can be done

Reversing isn’t my strong point you know”
The men they began to glow
Red with anger as things were moving to slow
“For god sake you really are useless”
Cried Emma who knew complaining was fruitless

As now it was decided that they couldn’t get parked
There would be no chance now to disembark
And party with the singing naked men
The possibility was over there and then

“Okay we might as well move along”
The men continued with their song
Desperate for some girls to eat
But they knew in their hearts they missed out on the treat

“Good bye pretty men” wave a forlorn Sarah
“Karina I wont forget you cost me a man”
“I promise you I will park as soon as I can”

“Never mind the men have gone
And taken their naked bodies and song”
“I swear I will make it up to you
Hey look there is an island it must be Act 2”

Act 1
Act 2 

An Odyssey Of Epic Proportions - Or How We Got Lost On the Way To The Cinema

Act 1.

“Seriously” said Karina hooting her horn
Who had never been on time from the day she was born

“Why are they always running so late?”
Sarah said nothing as she herself had to wait
Never mind the inconvenience and pain
It caused to venture out in the ghastly rain

“I don’t see why we had to go tonight” said Emma diving into the car
“The roads are supposed to be pretty bad
And I for one would have been glad
to sit in and watch the new QI”

“But in this film” said Karina “Renee Zelweggar does die
And don’t worry about the state of the road
I have a plan that’s as solid as gold
We shall take the dark and dangerous country roads
That way shall be the most advantageous."

Kara thought the plan most outrageous
So off they set on their mighty mission
Even thought the rain was heavily pishin

They drove for what like seemed an age
Emma who became filled with rage
Exclaimed “I cant believe the roads are flooded
and you went and got us lost!”
“Well” snapped Karina “just be grateful there isn’t frost”

Karina felt Emma’s death stare burning through her head
Which is enough to render a grown giant dead
So she quickly changed the subject and said:
“My views so bad I can hardly see”
As she swerved to avoid a fallen tree

“Oh no! I don’t like this!” Wailed Saz
“Don’t worry dear Saz I'll get us there without a hitch”
Now as irony is a predictable bitch,
the car quickly swerved and got stuck in a ditch

“Oh my God you silly cow -you have gone and broken your safe arrival vow”
“But Saz, its not my fault we’ve had rotten luck,
And in this ditch we are now stuck,
And this morning I deleted the number of a tow truck,
Jeez, this evening really sucks…….
Oh look there is a swimming duck”
“Seriously” said Saz. “What the F..”

“Enough Bickering” Said Emma from the back seat
The girls in front where silent in defeat

But as the girls were bickering the road had become like a moat
The water rose and the car began to float.

Trapped and scared and unprepared
There was only one thing the girls could do
Which was to sing a Disney song or two.

The girls they sang with all their might
Until Kara cried out in fright
“Oh my god we are going to drown”
As the car began floating towards the town

The car then floated down stream
As if it were something from a dream,
The lights of the town were getting nearer
But proceedings they were getting clearer

They were not stopping at the town but rather floating out to sea
“I knew that Renee Zelweggar would be the death of me” cried Karina

“Oh its call gone wrong for me” said Emma teasin”
Kara piped up “Is anyone else freezing”
“Do you want me to turn on the heat?”
“Well that would really be quite some feat considering the engine is under water”
“Yes but don’t forget you are in Aramis”

As engine started with the first attempt
Kara could not help but feel contempt as she was proved incorrect
But as the car heated up she thought what the heck!
And asked “can you steer Aramis back to town”
“I am trying but we are caught in the tide
But the water isn’t coming inside,
So I think we shall be grand,
That is assuming we are heading towards land”

The car it floated on through the night
Until in the distance land came into sight
“Land ahoy” cried Karina giving her hands a clap
The others woke with a start from their nap

“Where are we?” asked Emma with a yawn
The girls were surprised it almost dawn
“not in Kansas any more that is for sure.
Oh there is a bridge that looks like a moor,

We can park Aramis here for the rest of the night
And go see if any locals are in sight”
The car came to a halt and the girls disembarked
Commenting on the fantastic way in which the car was parked

“She never parks on land that well”
But Karina heard this and said “go to hell”
The girls they walked along the coast
with Kara complaining the most

“Why did we have to go through a bog?”
Tripping over her feet to avoid a frog
“It was either this or tackle the cliffs
and let me tell you they aren’t equipped with lifts”

They left the bog and came to a large hill
Kara she complained louder still
“I will not climb this monstrous mound”
“you bloody will if you want to be found”
said Emma shaking her iron fist
Kara knew she was powerless to resist
The might of said iron first
slowly clambered up the mountain in great distress
“Holly shit” cried Sarah “there is a huge fortress”

Indeed at the top a huge palace stood
“do you think they will give us rest and food?”
Asked Karina as she was getting hungry
“well lets knock the door and see”

Emma knocked the door with all her might
And when it opened the girls cried out in fright.
For the door was answered by a rotten troll
Who in turn gave a cry of delight

“Females!! Such luck I shall not be a bachelor forever”
The girls where struck dumb with terror
And backed away from the door

But the trolls guards had flanked them and ushered them in
A unanimous feeling of danger was felt
The girls were aware of the swords on their belts

Once the girls were forced inside the troll then asked
“Which of you ladies will be my bride?”
There was only one thing Kara could do,
And that was to push Sarah forward a step or two.

“Fantastic” cried the grotesque troll “you shall stay forever by my side
my new and shiny, hot young bride”
“I think we best be heading outside” said Sarah as she turned away
“You cannot leave my love” cried the troll “as tomorrow will be our wedding day”

Sarah rolled her eyes at the troll already bored
But then a guard unsheathed his sword
She had no choice but to face the lord
The troll then turned to his guards and said

“Take my precious and her friends to dress for the wedding of the year,
Then prepare the feast! Order the band
and prepare a keg of beer for our guests to quaff”
At the sound of this the girls tried not to laugh

“See you later my love” the ugly troll sang
As the girls were led to prepare the wedding bells rang
The girls once alone all stood in bridal suite
Their eyes all refusing to meet.

Karina walked over to a stand and returned with a dress
“Sorry Saz to add to your stress ”
Sarah could do nothing but stare
At the hideous garment she was being forced to wear
With its ruffles and bows and shape so 80’s
Saz went a worrying shade of pale
Then she loudly began to wail
about the rest of her life being spent married to such an ugly troll

Well said Emma being rather droll
“do not worry it could be worse”
At this remark Sarah started to curse
“Calm down Saz don’t get carried away”
“hello, tomorrow is apparently my wedding day”
“Well any suggestions as to how we escape?”
“Maybe if you kissed him it would break a spell” suggested Karina
And release him from his ugly hell”

“Yes a handsome prince will be released” helped Kara
“and he will no longer be an ugly beast”
“and when you are married to the villain” Cut in Emma
“all you have to do is kill’em and we will be free to make our escape”

At the thoughts of a handsome man
Sarah quickly changed her mind about the plan

Although her enthusiasm was short lived
As the troll was listening from the next room
Made him self a solemn vow
That he would be married to Sarah right now

The guards invaded the room as the girls were hatching their plot
The troll ordered them to the dungeon to rot
“Sorry Saz - you are on your own”
With this Saz let out a groan
Although she wont admit this she was relieved
that there was no time to change into the dress with the 80’s sleeves

Although preparations were going steady
The palace it was just not ready
The wedding cake was not yet cooked
The minister not even booked

But the troll being king of all the land
Took poor Sarah by the hand
and proclaimed her to be his wife
And live with him in the castle for all her life

Sarah remembered the earlier plan
(the one about obtaining a handsome man)
Kissed the troll upon his lips.
And waited for an eclipse of beauty to radiate through
But, alas, fairy tales are seldom true

Although this is hard to believe
The troll her grew uglier still
And her friends Saz was ready to kill
Forgetting the danger she cursed her luck
To be stuck with a troll who was ugly as fuck

Refused to be held in marriage by brute force
Sarah quickly asked the troll for a divorce
“By your neck you shall swing
For your blasphemy against this king”

Without a word Saz picked up his sword from his bed
And with one fast swoop she cut off his head.
“You Sir,” said Saz rather smugly
“are now not quite so fugly”

While feeling pleased with this mighty quip
She strapped the sword upon her hip
And went to rescue her friends
Who were surely wanting to make amends.

Whilst in the cell the three girls waited
Until the Trolls anger had abated.
Emma paced the floor in thought
Kara was reading the book she had brought
Karina remembering all she’d been taught
Was carving at a wall with a spoon

“What are you doing you great buffoon?”
Asked Emma breaking her stride
“I am digging a hole to get outside
Then we can go and rescue the bride”

At that moment Saz appeared,
killed the guard at the door and sneered,
The three prisoners they then loudly cheered,
As the friends were then freed
Saz spoke loudly and decreed,
That she would kick all their asses when they were safe
The girls had no answer to this and so kept quiet,
For fear of starting a huge riot.

The girls they ninjaed their way past all guards,
It wasn’t really all that hard,
As they were proficient in the art of movie watchin’
And had the skills required for such dodgin‘

Once out of the castle they were almost free
And they made their way back down to sea
For some unknown reason they were merely strolling
And not running as logic would suggest
But at Sarah’s behest they broke into a jog
As they made there way through the late trolls bog

Karina looked back through the smog to see the troll's guards in hot pursuit
And made a request for the girls to pick up their pace
“Oh here I cannot run while being chased” cried Emma whose jog had swiftly come to a halt
“For fear of their parents finding her at fault” Kara grabbed Emma by the hand
And dragged her ass to the edge of dry land

The girls they clambered through the open window of Aramis
Both dignity and grace this act did lack
And Kara landed flat on her back

Karina started the engine and prayed
that their exit would not be delayed by some sort mechanical failure.
But low and behold the engine roared
And the accelerator was then floored
The car immediately pulled away not wanting to linger
Sarah opened her window and gave the guards the finger.

The guards they ran to the edge of the jetty but not wanting to face any more hassle
Simply turned away and went back to the castle.
“Phew” Said Kara “we got out of that without too much harm”
“Do you think you can steer us back to Larne” asked Emma hopefully
“Probably not” replied Karina woefully
“So” Said Sarah. “About my wedding.......”

Seeing clearly where this was heading Emma suggested the Disney CD
And they would deal with any problems regarding being lost at sea
After singing a song or three
And as our heroes float onto Act 11
There is something that we must now tell you.
Sarah’s late husbands head had grew back
But in the more handsome form of Jacob Black.

The Bridge
Act 2