The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

I have always maintained that the less blood there is spilt in a horror film the scarier I tend to find it. I usually plump for supernatural horror although once in a while I am not adverse to the odd slasher film.

PLOT: Brothers Eric (Matt Bomer) and Dean (Taylor Handley) are taking a final road trip across America with their respective girlfriends Chrissie (Jordana Brewster) and Bailey (Diora Baird) before enlisting in the US army. After getting into an altercation with a group of bikers the friends are arrested by the head of a psychotic family posing as the local sheriff (R. Lee Ermey)….. END PLOT

The plot of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginnings is essentially an origins story for Leatherface and although it rigidly sticks to the traditional format it is very well executed.

There are fives things that scare the life out of me and “psychotic murderous hillbilly families” have a spot on this particular list. I would do absolutely anything for my family and I consider myself to be reasonably sane. The fact that a family of psychos have the same values as me when it comes to protecting their loved ones scares me and it is why I find these types of films so unsettling – a family of blood lusting crazies is much scarier than just one.

Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Emery) is the head of the Hewitt family. Leatherface may have the chainsaw but the Sheriff pulls the chord. Emery was on great form and had some wonderfully dark comedic lines scattered throughout the film.

I will confess that Matt Bomer is my sole reason for purchasing this dvd. I love him in White Collar and I was as relieved as I was surprised that I did not see any element of Neal Caffrey when I was watching the film. This bodes well for his career which will surely take off with The Normal Heart in 2014.

The poor victims are all young, attractive and are killed by Leatherface and his arsenal of sharp instruments in various creative sadistic ways. Leatherface always keeps the audience on his toes as he tends to switch from being a lumbering retard to a stealthy ninja.  This bizarrely makes the film quite tense as you cannot predict which Leatherface will be in any given scene.

The captives were not killed immediately and Sheriff Hoyt enjoying toying with the brothers for quite some time. This was clever as the psychological torture which preceded the bloodshed really ramped up the tension and emotion.

The killings were violent but they remained grounded and within the borders of reality. Once you have to suspend belief with a horror film it loses its momentum.  There was lots of blood and some very gory moments but it was in keeping with typical slasher fare.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning should have been a traditional throwaway ninety minute slasher but it was much better than expected – I don’t feel much shame or embarrassment by confessing that it was legitimately good.

The film was written by Sheldon Turner who wrote X Men: First Class and won a BAFTA for Up In The Air (IMDB) so there was talent behind the script and it showed. The strong performances by the cast also helped the film to rise above its station.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is not groundbreaking nor does it attempt to add anything new to the genre. What it does do is prove that when a procedural script is placed in the right hands it can produce a very decent film. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning gets a respectable 7.5/10.

**
For the avoidance of doubt “psychotic murderous hillbilly families” join dying in a plane crash, Tom Cruise, moths and zombies as things that scare the life out of me.

**

The Dark Knight Rises - spoiler free

The trailer for The Dark Knight is my all time favourite and the film wasn’t too shabby either. There was much anticipation for The Dark Knight Rises trailer but it fell short of my expectations by quite some margin. I couldn’t warm to the previews and excitement for The Dark Knight Rises took a while to build.

PLOT: Eight years have passed since the events of The Dark Knight - crime in Gotham is non-existent, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is a reclusive shut in and Batman is hated for (supposedly) killing Harvey Dent. After Bane (Tom Hardy) arrives in Gotham and threatens to destroy everything it is up to Batman to save the city which has lost faith in him. END PLOT.

If The Dark Knight Rises were in less capable hands it would become nothing more than a hero trying to disarm a terrorist threat but luckily Christopher Nolan did not let us down.

After the events of The Dark Knight Bruce Wayne has been left injured and broken.  The Dark Knight’s Rise to being Gotham’s true saviour is slow paced but always utterly compelling. A running time of two hours forty minutes is rare but TDKR didn't waste a second as there were no scenes that felt like filler.

There are many interweaving subplots which all came together in the final act. To say there is a lot going on in the film is an understatement but it didn’t feel bloated or needlessly complex. I respect Nolan for making an intelligent film which requires the audience to pay attention.

Despite a few clunky moments of exposition and a rather unsubtle recap of The Dark Knight the dialogue can’t be faulted.

The tone of the film is bleak and hopeless and doesn’t let up until the credits roll. The overwhelming sense of despair lasted for the entirety of the film which made it emotionally draining. Happy endings are ingrained in my cinematic mind and the reality that I may not be seeing one unfold was hard to accept.

Christian Bale was overshadowed by Health Ledger in The Dark Knight. In TDKR he got his moment to shine and put in a very strong performance but he needed to – with such a large cast he spent quite a bit of time off screen so it was essential that his presence be felt as both Bruce Wayne and Batman.

I don’t know anything about the Batman comics so the announcement that Bane would be the villain was met with no reaction whatsoever. The casting of Tom Hardy was more exciting than the character he would be playing.  This concerned me as with comic book adaptations it should always be the other way around.

Hardy had the physical presence required to play Bane but it was almost an anonymous performance. The much publicised vocal problems were noticeable, not because I couldn’t understand him, but because his voice was so clear and precise it was patently obvious he had been dubbed. It was not subtly done and there were occasions when the voice didn’t seem to match Banes eyes and movements. If there was a fault to be found in The Dark Knight Rises it would be this aspect of Bane.

There was always a big question mark over Anne Hathaway’s casting as Selina Kyle but she was much better than expected.

The supporting cast of Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard were all strong and provided solid grounded performances.

Despite the big names and much rumoured cameos it was Michael Caine who stole the show as Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler Alfred. Caine had the least amount of screen time but in the few scenes he had they were the most emotionally charged of the entire trilogy. I hope he is recognised with award nominations but I doubt he will be.

Aside from the football pitch explosion which was shown in the trailer the action felt real. A brutal fight between Batman and Bane was made all the more gritty as there was no music – it was scored by punches and pain.

I wasn’t overly keen on the score used in the trailer but it worked much better in the film. The familiar Batman theme and the “This is Gotham” chant blended very well together.

One of the best things about going to the cinema is the previews and there are some, now matter how often you see them, which will always give you goose-bumps.  It is rare to have goose-bump moments during an actual film but in The Dark Knight Rises there were several.

The Dark Knight Rises is probably the least enjoyable blog I have ever written as I don't want write a spoiler free review that no one will ever read - I want to talk about what an amazing piece of cinema I have just watched with my friends.

Is The Dark Knight Rises an absolutely perfect film? No.

Does The Dark Knight Rises bring the trilogy to an emotional and satisfying conclusion? Yes.

I think people simply have to ask themselves which is more important to them as film fans – for me it is without hesitation the latter.

Christopher Nolan has brought what will now be considered one of the modern greatest trilogies to an end and he made it look easy. The Dark Knight Rises can't must not be considered anything less than 10/10.

Ice Age: Continental Drift

In 2002 Fox released Ice Age a cheap and nasty looking CGI family film which turned out to be well above average. Ten years later we are on the fourth instalment of this surprisingly successful franchise with Ice Age: Continental Drift.

PLOT: After rowing with his teenage daughter Peaches (Keke Palmer) Manny (Ray Romano), Sid (John Leguizamo) and Diego (Denis Leary) find themselves stranded on a block of floating ice. As they drift out to sea they meet Captain Gutt (Peter Dinklage) who is determined that the trio join his crew. END PLOT

It was crystal clear from the very first Ice Age that theses films are not geographically or historically accurate. If after four films you still have a problem with this I challenge you to voice your opinion without being an obnoxious arse.

The plot bulldozes along at break neck speed with father/daughter problems and family abandonment issues being brushed over so that the main adventure can begin. The story is unnecessarily complicated because there are now far too many characters involved.

The main adventure with Manny, Sid and Diego was constantly broken up due to the teen drama with Peaches and her mammoth friends. Granny (voiced by the annoying Wanda Sykes) was not amusing and her scenes should have been minimal.

Whenever the main trio were not on screen together the film did drag. The problem was they were never on screen together long enough to have any real comedic impact.

The humour is scattered throughout the film but unfortunately it isn’t particularly strong although were treated to a very decent little sea shanty by Captain Gutt.

Ray Romano and John Leguizamo were as dependable as ever but Denis Leary, Queen Latifa and Jennifer Lopez were all underused and Seann William Scott and Josh Peck had absolutely nothing to do.

I am a fan of the franchise and I have no doubt that there will be a fifth but they really need to trim the cast down significantly as this offering was definitely the most bloated and sadly the weakest of them all.

Ice Age: Continental Drift was a disappointment and it only gets a 5/10. It could have been the worst film ever but I will still go back for more as I have a real soft spot for the original trio.

Magic Mike

A film about male strippers was always going to pique my interest let’s not pretend otherwise.  The fact that Magic Mike is based on the early life of Channing Tatum, an actor who has suddenly hit the big league, has made the entire concept rise beyond the normal levels of intrigue.

PLOT:  Mike (Channing Tatum) is a thirty year old stripper who dreams of being a carpenter.   After a chance encounter with Adam (Alex Pettyfer) Mike takes him under one of his finely toned wings and introduces him to Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) and his team of strippers.  As Adam gets sucked further into the stripping world Mike is beginning to have second thoughts about his lifestyle.  END PLOT

Magic Mike is much more plot driven than expected.  The film isn’t complex but it does have a fairly decent story which is bookended cleverly by a performance of “It’s raining men”. 

The tone is fairly light hearted until the midway point when some of the darker elements of the stripping lifestyle start to emerge – drugs and even Dallas showed that he had sinister undertones.

The stripping routines were all ridiculously overblown and comical however I counted more female breasts than male butt cheeks.  I am all for equality but there is a time and place for it.

Channing Tatum has come along way since Step Up (a franchise that I will not hear a bad word about – except Step Up 3D) and although he isn’t the best actor in the world he does try.  It was  unfortunate that whenever the film took a dramatic turn he couldn’t quite step up to the plate.  Tatum was clearly the only member of the troupe which any dance experience so he got a few solo outings.  Say what you want about his acting – Tatum can dance.

Matthew McConaughey is a good actor but he appeared in so many crappy romantic comedies it became hard to take him seriously.  McConaughey was on great form as Dallas and despite his casual laid back attitude he did manage to show that Dallas could be dangerous if he needed to be.

Alex Pettyfer looks permanently grumpy and I fear that he will launch a violent attack on any person who mentions it.  Adam was the most unlikeable character in the film but Pettyfer was decent in the role.

Matt Bomer and Joe Manganiello were mostly the background attractions however I did find my eye wandering past Mike’s drama to watch them.  They had about five lines between them but they were extremely well executed.

 Picture the tv show:  It's set in the 1950's, good cop/bad cop and it rains.  A lot.

There was much excitement surrounding Magic Mike but I did have realistic expectations about the film.  Magic Mike was great fun but it just wasn’t dramatic enough when it mattered to have any real impact.  It gets a 7.5/10.

Chernobyl Diaries

Chernobyl Diaries has been out for a few weeks now and despite not having watched the trailer I felt compelled to see it. 

PLOT:  A group of travellers set off with their extreme tour guide Uri to visit the town of Pripyat which has been abandoned since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.  The group find themselves stranded and as night falls they realise that they are not alone.............dun dun dun  END PLOT

There isn’t anything new or original with regards to the plot of Chernobyl Diaries but the set up in the abandoned town was much better than expected.  My friend guessed the ending of the film before the first act ended so we were hardly shocked by the finale.

If you are able ignore the stupidity of the characters enough to go with the flow then there are parts of Chernobyl Diaries which are quite tense but after the scare involving the angry speed-crawling robotic baby it lost its momentum.

Snarling dogs leaping angrily at car windows will always make me jump however the residents of Pripyat either lurked in the dark or appeared to be made of cheap CGI.  I appreciate the point of the Chernobyl Diaries is the fear of the unknown but their reveal was very anticlimactic.

The shaky camera work was very annoying, especially at the beginning of the film, although it settled down.  I don’t mind hand-held cameras but if one of the characters isn’t filming I don’t see the point.

The characters are all clichés with their sole purpose being to die, although given the number of deaths; the vast majority of the violence took place off screen or was surprisingly tame.

The cast are all unremarkable and aside from a few exaggerated wide-eyed moments of terror you can’t fault them too much.

Chernobyl Diaries is not a good film and I can’t bring myself to say that I disliked it.  It gets a 5/10.  It is a decent but forgettable 86mins spent in the cinema but nothing more than that.

The Good The Bad The Weird

I’ve watched The Good The Bad The Weird on several occasions and it is not a new addition to my dvd collection but it is only now that I feel the need to watch it with a view to reviewing it. 

PLOT:  After The Weird (Song Kang-ho) finds a treasure map he is pursed by The Bad (Byung-hun Lee) who in turn is being pursed by The Good (Jung Woo-sung).  The chase becomes complicated as Manchurian bandits and the Japanese Army have heard of the map and want the treasure for themselves.  After a frantic chase across the desert a Mexican Stand-off occurs between The Good, The Bad and The Weird with the sole survivor winning the treasure.  END PLOT

The plot follows the beats of a “chase the McGuffin” escapade and there is never any doubt that it would culminate in a showdown between the three leads.  Although the story doesn’t offer anything new it is great fun to watch the chaos unfold.

The tone is quirky and fun and although there is a fair amount of violence it is usually handled in a darkly comedic manner – The Bad’s exasperation at trying to decapitate a prisoner with a blunt knife is more comical that you would expect.

The action is that of a full on shoot-em-up with guns blazing noisily and frequently from all sides.  The main set piece is a lengthy chase across the desert in which the three main leads plus the Manchurian bandits and the Japanese army take part.  It is a brilliantly fun romp although it almost becomes too frantic for its own good as it was hard to keep up with who was shooting at who during any given scene.

Jee-woon Kim has directed a very stylish film although he was skirting along the lines of showing off with some of his bigger shots. 

Song Kang-ho, Byung-hun Lee and Jung Woo-sung are all great in their respective roles as The Good The Bad and The Weird and they make each character memorable in their own right.  I will be honest and admit that I was routing for The Bad throughout the film (shocker) as let’s face it – he was badass and also sported a ridiculously exciting and none emo based haircut.

 The sexiest person in GI: Joe until the world decided Channing Tatum was cool

The trailer in case you don't believe me

The most surprising aspect of the entire film was the score – it had real Spanish flavour to it rather than an Eastern feel.  It was jaunty and frantic but it suited the film perfectly.

I have found that subtitles can be hit or miss but for a film set in the 1930’s The Good The Bad The Weird opted for a modern use of language and at times text speak like “cuz” and “ya” crept in. 

The Good The Bad The Weird is great popcorn entertainment but it too long to be a go to 90min flick and too complex for background viewing.  Like me, if you haven’t viewed it in a while and are inclined to blow the dust of the cover and watch it again, it is always great fun.  It gets an 8/10.

House of Flying Daggers

I am not a lover of romance films – I cringe at the thought of sitting through a chick-flick featuring star crossed lovers or any Nicholas Sparks adaptation.  There are exceptions to my hard hearted rule with House of Flying Daggers being the top of this list.

PLOT:  After Captain Leo (Andy Lau) discovers that Mei, (Ziyi Zhang) the blind daughter of the leader of the Flying Daggers, is hiding in a nearby brothel he sends his partner Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro) undercover to lead Mei to safety and unveil the hiding place of the rebel group.  Things become complicated as Jin falls in love with Mei and as the General’s army closes in on the Flying Daggers it becomes clear that no one is who they say that are.  END PLOT

The crux of the pot boils down to the traditional love triangle which everyone is familiar with, the twist is, you don’t actually realise that you have been watching a love triangle unfold until the final act. 

The plot is full of symmetrical moments from the echo game, Jin and Mei pulling each away from a kiss and Jin and Mei leading each other through the forest.  It is cleverly done and the film needs to be watched a few times to fully appreciate what is going on.

The translation from Mandarin to English fares well for the most part.  Jin and Mei’s flirting about the “wind” is readable but you cannot imagine it ever being spoken in the English word.

Ziyi Zhang has got to be considered one of these most beautiful actresses around and she is excellent in House of Flying Daggers.  Zhang lived with a blind child for two months prior to filming (IMDB) to pick up the mannerisms and she does an exceptional job especially as she is heavily involved in the action sequences

I have enough Asian films in my collection featuring Takeshi Kaneshiro to proclaim him a favourite.  His portrayal of Jin starts off carefree (like his wind) however at the end he has completely fallen for Mei.  Kaneshiro captures Jin’s original cockiness, innocence and downright confusion very well. 

Andy Lau, another China based actor who should be familiar to western viewers, puts in a quiet performance which erupts into pure rage by the end of the film.

The action scenes are impressive with each having their own signature colour – yellow for the flower field fight, green for the bamboo battle and white for the final showdown.  The hand-to-hand combat is phenomenal and the CGI flying daggers fit in seamlessly.  There is a bow and arrow shot that puts Kevin Costner's offering to shame!

House of Flying Daggers is an absolutely stunning film with colour themes being spread throughout not only the battles but the landscapes as well.  It is unapologetically arty with the seasons changing from summer, to autumn, then winter in a matter of minutes - it is arty but it is also gorgeous.

Despite the action and cinematography House of Flying Daggers is a love story at heart. The third act gets more devastating every time I watch it.  I am not a crier when it comes to romances but I have yet to watch House of Flying Daggers with dry eyes.

I absolutely love everything about House of Flying Daggers and it gets a perfect 10/10.  I know that even if I don’t watch it again for a few years it will still have the same affect on me as it did today.

Mulan

Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast will always be the favourite but Mulan isn’t far behind. I can overlook the Donny Osmond song and the voice casting of Eddie Murphy purely because Mulan is the only Disney Princess that doesn’t require a Prince to save her.

I came across this version of Mulan by accident and was curious to see how her story would fare when it is not being warped by Disney.

PLOT: Hua Mulan (Wei Zhao) takes her ailing father’s place in the army after the Northern Wei Dynasty goes to war against the invading Rouran. Mulan, along with her childhood friend Tiger (Jaycee Chan) and young general Wentei, (Kun Chen) keep Mulan’s sexuality a secret to avoid her execution. Mulan and Wentei quickly rise up through the ranks and victory appears certain until Modu (Jun Hu) a rogue warrior takes command of the Rouran. END PLOT

The story of Mulan is familiar until she joins the army. The film thereafter focuses on Mulan's career within the army rather than her desperation to hide her secret.  Mulan's feminine features and voice are surprisingly never questioned by her men.

The love affair between Mulan and Wentei is purposely muted by the characters and ends on a typically sombre note however it does not reach the utterly devastating heights of the Jin/Xiao Mei relationship in House of Flying Daggers.

Wei Zhao plays an appropriately strong and vulnerable Mulan with ease. Jaycee Chan (the son of Jackie Chan) and Kun Chen were also very capable in their supporting roles however this was Zhao’s film.

The fact the cast are all unfamiliar, even with my (very) basic knowledge of Chinese film, makes it easier to buy into the love affair. The translation at times was cheesy and the dialogue would not have worked if it was spoken in English.

Mulan is a slow burner and although there are several decent battles they are quite short in length. The most effective set piece was the Rouran execution of the Chinese prisoners – the soldiers sang as they were being executed and a brothers dying together moment made it a very emotional watch.

It is really hard to fault Mulan as it is a gorgeous, character driven film which deserves to be watched on more than one occasion. It gets 8.5/10. The only problem is it’s just not The House of Flying Daggers.

The Amazing Spider-Man

It has been five years since Spider Man 3 last strutted onto the big screen and I would be lying if I said I had missed him or noticed his absence.

Despite usually loving films which originate from comics or graphic novels I’ve never warmed to Spider Man.

Due to my love for the cast I was hoping that The Amazing Spider-Man would change my mind.

PLOT: Peter Parker's (Andrew Garfield) father mysterious disappears and he is raised by his Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) and Aunt May (Sally Fields). After finding his father’s old satchel Peter discovers it contains scientific research which leads him to Dr Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans) a genetic scientist at Oscorp. In the Dr’s lab Peter is bitten by a spider however just as Peter is getting to grips with his new found powers Dr Connor has created a genetic altering serum with dangerous consequences. END PLOT

The Amazing Spider-Man follows the traditional beats of a typical origins story and it was hampered by its familiarity as it is a reboot of a film which was released only ten years ago.

Despite having no prior knowledge of the Lizard, the villain of the piece there was no tension or real sense of danger to be found anywhere in the film.

The casting of Andrew Garfield was a clever choice as he has the cool/geek performance perfected. Garfield brought heart and enthusiasm by the bucket load but he also wasn’t afraid to though in a witty quip when the occasion called for it.

I have never seen Emma Stone give a bad performance or choose a dud role. Stone did find herself short changed during the action heavy final act but I know if she had been kidnapped by the Lizard that would have irked me more.

The chemistry between Garfield and Stone was electric and the film lagged whenever they were not onscreen together. The film clocked in at over two hours which made the dips in momentum all the more obvious.

Rhys Ifans was fine as Dr Connor.  I hadn’t heard of Dr Connor until now and I don’t know how his story arc plays out in the comics. His character started off very likeable then after one hint about his role in Peter’s father’s disappearance he very quickly became a crazed scientist. This felt very rushed and as a villain he was weak.

The Lizard was completely CGI and it just about worked. The fight scenes between the Lizard and the limber Spider Man were almost completely CGI and did look a bit rubbery. I like my action and effects much more grounded so I was never going to be completely satisfied.

The action didn’t make its appearance until the final act and unfortunately it was underwhelming. The strongest set piece, although ridiculously cheesy, was the aligning of the cranes – the score was also at its strongest in this moment too.

I knew I was never going to love The Amazing Spider-Man but I did enjoy it but this is because of the cast. It gets a 6.5/10.

There is just something about Spider Man that is not strong enough to carry a film on his own. If only Marvel had an established ensemble franchise that Spider-Man could easily be slotted into…….

Oh yes..... it already has......

Fifty Shades Of Grey - spoilers

Fifty Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction and has snowballed into one of the fasted selling books of all time. I loudly applaud E.L James for seizing her opportunity when it came.

Erotica isn't my genre and freely admit that I read the book because nosiness got the better of me.

PLOT: After agreeing to interview the mysterious Christian Grey for her roommate Anastasia Steele finds herself drawn to him. Anastasia is quickly brought out of her comfort zone and after a quick tour of his “red room of pain” she finds herself open to a new and potentially exciting way of life. END PLOT

The fan fiction origins of Fifty Shades of Grey are blatantly obvious and the opening few chapters are some of the most amateurish I have ever read. It wasn’t laughable. It was inexcusable.

"This is news to me, and I'm temporarily preoccupied by the thought that someone not much older than me - okay, maybe six years or so, and okay, mega-successful, but still - is going to present me with my degree"

No matter how many times I read this sentence I still don’t believe that it makes any sense.

"Therefore, she cannot attend the interview, she'd arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I've never heard of, for the student newspaper"

I read the first five chapters with Christopher Walken playing Anastasia Steele but the over usage of the comma did become less intrusive.

I didn't take the book seriously and specifically sought out questionable paragraphs purely to make fun of them but as the story progressed I found myself getting drawn in. This is as generous as I can be there are sections which are very badly written.

In a few years time the language used will look ridiculously dated. The constant “megas” and E.L James’ personal favourite “holy crap” is appropriate for those who have just outgrown the Nickelodeon channel but there was nothing clever about the prose. The language used may emphasise just how young at heart Anastasia is, but like everything else in the novel, it was not subtle.

Anastasia’s constant referencing of her subconscious which was always doing something figuratively or metaphorically grated very quickly. I think at one stage Ana’s subconscious metaphorically rolled its eyes at her and I had to stop and think about how that could work.

The awaking of Anastasia’s inner goddess should have been a wonderful moment of personal realisation but every time she “found” her inner goddess, and she did so very often, I read this with obnoxious patronisation along the lines of “Did you find your inner goddess again Ana, where was hiding this time, behind the anal beads perhaps? Silly girl”.

If you remove the word “dominant” from the equation Ana’s growing jealously over Christian’s ex and his friendship with her coupled with Christian’s possessiveness turns the story into nothing more complex than a soap opera love triangle.

The BDSM does add a bit of spice to the mix but it is soft enough to avoid delving into the culture in any great depth. It is BDSM-101 which essentially means ten minutes browsing Wikipedia with a notepad.

I have no problems with individuals entering into a consensual relationship and if this involves BDSM then so be it. The BDSM aspect of the novel did not bother me in the slightest. In Fifty Shades of Grey it amounted to nothing more than various levels of spanking and after a while I was beginning to wonder if Christian had anything else in his big red repertoire.

My problem with Fifty Shades of Grey is the characters themselves.

Anastasia Steele is a very young twenty-one year old and her initial innocence and complete obliviousness to Christian’s plans for her made her seem almost simple minded. As the novel progressed Ana became bolder, genuinely curious and despite her infatuation with Christian she does stop and ask the sensible questions even if it is via email.

The emails were the most clever part of the novel as they were fun and dangerous at the same time, as like Ana, it was hard to tell were the line between serious and flirting was.

Christian Grey, a man who females are apparently swooning over, was hardly developed at all suffice to say that he was attractive and rich and, for the avoidance of doubt, I did see Ryan Gosling.

If I was supposed to feel any sympathy or at the very least get an understanding of Christian Grey I needed to know more about him than what I was given. As it stands he is nothing more than a manipulative, controlling and downright huffy arse.

Christian’s annoyance at discovering Ana was still a virgin and the vanilla sex that followed appeared to be Grey’s own particular version of chivalry.  Once his guilt about Ana’s first sexual experience had been dealt with his initial plans were put back in motion although there is a small argument to be made for his few attempts at having a more traditional relationship with Ana.

Christian Grey had his much hinted at childhood trauma, an introduction to BDSM at the minor age of fifteen, food issues and his crack whore mother (his words not mine). I am actually surprised that he didn’t go off and avenge a murdered father.

Everyone has baggage and I understand that sometimes people have no control over how it affects their everyday life - Christian’s comes with a legally binding non-disclosure agreement.

Speaking of contracts, if Ana did not have the sense to do some basic research then I don’t believe Grey would have made her aware that their BDSM contract was not legally binding. Christian only reassured Ana that everything was voluntary after she sought clarification on what was expected of her – he never explained anything until she asked and it was always done in offended tones.

There was something very unsettling about Grey’s behaviour towards Ana during the opening chapters. Christian’s sinister teasing of his intent in the hardware store and his attitude towards Ana in the early stages of the book meant that I couldn’t get past the notion that he was grooming her to be his submissive which to me forfeits the idea that it was her choice. The fact that every time the subject was broached he felt the need to ply her with alcohol will not sway my opinion.

Ana herself admitted several times that she needed to stop drinking to keep her wits about her yet there Christian was topping up her wine glass.  This went beyond the levels of having a stiff drink for courage.

Ana never said no but then again I don’t believe, at least in the early part of the book, that she said yes with a clear head.

At the end of the novel Ana found her voice and I suppose, for want of a better cliché, her coming of age story had ended and she walked away. The knowledge that there are another two books to slog through suggests that she doesn’t walk far enough.

My curiosity has been satisfied and I have now got reading Fifty Shades of Grey out of my system. I won’t read the next two books and it isn’t because I don’t like them. It is because I just don’t care.

The Faculty

I first watched The Faculty at a sleepover when I was about fourteen. My VHS copy died around the birth of the dvd and for reasons unknown I only got around to purchasing a copy in 2012 when I spotted it completely by accident on sale.

PLOT: In a typical high school in small-town America a group of students discover that their teachers are aliens and are slowly starting to infect the student population.

It is up to the geek (Elijah Wood), the jock (Shawn Hatosy), the cheerleader (Jordanna Brewster), the goth (Clea DuVall), the new girl (Laura Harris) and the rebel (Josh Hartnett) to form an unlikely alliance and save the school.

In their quest to kill the queen they begin to suspect that one of more of the group may already be infected.

Kids: the drugs do work. END PLOT

The Faculty is essentially a remake of The Invasion of The Body Snatchers. The twist is the characters are aware of Jack Finney’s novel and use their knowledge of his book to try and figure out what is going on.

Once the group has assembled the plot follows typical horror beats as each teen is picked off one by one by the Faculty. The script doesn’t offer anything new but neither does try. This isn’t a criticism as it manages to allow events to unfold in a ridiculously fan manner which never strays into parody.

The teens consist of well known high school stereotypes, all of whom are trying to break out of the clichéd norm – the jock wants to study, the geek becomes the hero, the rebel turns out to extremely academic – and this ties in nicely with the aliens removing their human hosts’ key characteristics. The change in each character at the end of the film almost succeeds in creating an ambiguous ending.

In 1998 the teenagers of The Faculty were all unknown and have gone on to reach varying levels of success in their acting careers. The young cast all put in very strong performances but they owe a thank you to the dialogue. The group bitches their way through the invasion and the snappy exchanges, put downs and one liners add to the comedic tone of the film.

The Faculty are just as recognisable with Robert Patrick, Salma Hayek, Famke Jansen and Bebe Neuwirth and more appearing in small but effective roles. In 2012 the cast boasts an impressive list of names.

With the exception of Mr Furlong’s Fingers the effects and action have aged surprisingly well although I have watched better blu-ray conversions as some of the skylines and backgrounds did appear quite grainy, especially when outside.

The soundtrack is very decent with some slick covers of "Another Brick In The Wall" and "Schools Out". I am thankful for the omission of “I Want You To Want Me” – a very annoying song which is associated with every high school based film around the turn of the millennium.

The Faculty was a VHS favourite at the age of fourteen but I cannot believe just how much love I still have for the film at twenty-six. I was expecting to enjoy it in a nostalgic fashion but I think I love it more now than I did then.

Those of you who know me well enough are aware of my obsession with 90minute filler films - with The Faculty I have been reunited with my first 90minute love. I will openly admit that it is not the best film ever made but I just cannot give it anything less than 10/10.