Breaking Dawn: Part 2

I promise you that I am not a secret fan of the Twilight Saga.  I read the first book and watched the first three films under extreme duress.  I skipped Breaking Dawn: Part 1 as even the idea of going to the cinema to make fun of it felt like too much effort.  I will be honest though – curiosity did get the better of me.

PART 1 RECAP:  Bella had a kid and is now a vampire END PART 1 RECAP

PART 2 PLOT:  Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are happily married and raising their hideously named child Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy).  Jacob (Taylor Lautner) appears to have moved into the Cullen residence and has fallen deeply in love with a creepy CGI baby.  The Volturi find out about the child, which they believe to be immortal, and set off to Forks to kill the Cullen family.  Jacob takes his clothes off for no reason while Edward and Bella rally the covens and prepare to make one last stand.  END PART 2 PLOT

The Twilight Saga isn’t known for in depth plotting and Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is certainly not the exception to the rule as absolutely nothing happens.  The first ninety minutes focuses on groups of vampires sitting around discussing what may/may not happen in the final thirty minutes of the film.  Nothing happens in the slightest yet, despite being just shy of two hours long, I didn’t feel the time slip by.

It is very easy to hate the Twilight series because of the non-performance of Kristen Stewart and her lack of chemistry with Robert Pattinson.  As Breaking Dawn: Part 2 has a large cast there were very few scenes which featured the two leads alone.  I was thankful for this as those scenes are either tedious or cringe-worthy but always boring.  I have no love for Stewart or Pattinson’s performances in the Twilight films and I simply don’t care about Bella and Edward as characters. 

The Cullens all returned and proved that while they are fun to watch none of them are particularly talented actors.  They should all be grateful that they have their looks. 

The arrival of the worldwide covens was handled fairly well although I was concerned to see that the Irish contingent flew in from the late 1800’s. I would like to point out that we do not wear dowdy wool spun dresses and look as though we have just finished a hard days work picking spuds.  It is easy to make fun but I can’t complain too much about the Irish, Brazilian or Middle Eastern covens as I wasn’t expecting anything other than clichéd characterisation.

The newcomers (or at least new to me) were all great fun with Lee Pace (Garrett) being the most enjoyable of the lot.  A Lee Pace film would have been more interesting.

Over on the dark side we have Michael Sheen leading the Volturi.  I wouldn’t do Sheen the disservice of accusing him of showing up for the pay cheque as he was hamming it up nicely and clearly having a ball.  It normally annoys me when actors are having more fun than I am but Sheen got away with it!

It is always nice to see Maggie Grace and it was enjoyable watching the brilliantly evil Dakota Fanning get what she deserved during the battle.

On the human side we have the long suffering Billy Burke as Bella’s father.  Poor Burke looks typically confused and his acceptance of the creepy CGI baby and the rapidly growing child was oddly amusing.  The CGI baby was replaced by Mackenzie Foy who was not as creepy.

I will admit that the casting of Joe Anderson was the reason for my curiosity.  It was not worth it as he appeared in a few scenes to bitch about being there and then left without saying goodbye.  I suspect that quite a few of poor Joe's scenes ended up on the cutting room floor but I will never watch the dvd to find out.

The final Act was the big battle which was hinted at in the (decent) trailer.  The battle sequence was fairly impressive although the Twilight Saga has never had strong effects which, given the amount of money each film makes, shows just how little the filmmakers care about making these films respectable.

The only compliment I can give Breaking Dawn Part 2 is that it wasn’t bad.  It caught my attention for two hours and I didn’t laugh too obnoxiously at the unintentionally amusing parts so I will give it a 5.5/10.  I will hear arguments for 6/10.

In terms of the franchise Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is easily the best of the lot but this is the equivalent of saying gonorrhoea is the best of all sexually transmitted diseases. 

Thank the gods it is finally over.

The Walking Dead - Seed

 

The new season of The Walking Dead aired weeks ago but I like to let the episodes build up before I start watching a new season.  I had planned on reviewing The River but as I am not ready to admit that it isn’t a good show I am back to The Walking Dead.

 

PLOT:  After season two ended on a wide angled shot of the prison the survivors spend approximately seven months roaming the back roads of Georgia only to end up a wide angled shot away from the prison.  With exhaustion setting in and Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies) now heavily pregnant the group work together to clear the courtyard with the intent of settling down for a short while.  Rick (Andrew Lincoln) decides to take it a step further and clear the prison cell blocks. Once inside Hershel (Scott Wilson) is seriously injured and it turns out that there are other survivors living in the canteen.  END PLOT

Season two had some terrific moments but it never quite got the pacing right.  It looks as though Season three has learnt from the two month (real time) search for Sophia and got stuck right in to the action.

 

The pre-credits opening sequence was almost dialogue free and focused on the group clearing out an abandoned house - the fact that all of the survivors are now functioning as one unit was crystal clear.  There was a nice little moment with everyone watching on as Karl opened the can of pet food.  If Rick hadn’t stepped in I am positive that they all would have eaten it. I am not a fan of time jumps but “Seed” managed to fill us in on the missing seven months before the credits rolled. 

Aside from a brief campfire scene there is very little time for reflection as Rick is ready for round two and the action starts all over again.  There is a scene between Lori and Rick but she has lost ability to (purposely or not) manipulate Rick’s decisions.  The actors’ performances can’t be faulted but the Lori/Rick exchanges were one of the more tedious aspects of the previous season.

 

We move away from the main action on a couple of occasions to check in with an ill Andrea (Laurie Holden) and her new companion Michonne (Danai Gurira). These scenes felt unnecessary and unfortunately they broke up the tension and sense of drama created by the episode’s main storyline.

 

“Seed” ended with the words “Holy Shit” and given the closing scenes it was perfect.  In Season one Rick amputating another character’s leg was never going to happen.  The Walking Dead has finally got the balls, the budget and more importantly the confidence to give us some horrifically graphic scenes.  The wait for such a moment gave it more impact as it didn’t happen to a minor character – it happened to Hershel (Scott Wilson) one of the more likeable characters.

 

Andrew Lincoln as Rick is a very capable lead who can say more with his silences, especially to Lori, than he can with dialogue.  His immediate reaction after amputating Hershel’s leg was fantastic.  With season three heading to some very dark places I can’t wait to watch Lincoln’s performance.

 

Lori has always been harshly treated by the fans but I absolutely love Sarah Wayne Callies.  There were a few times during the episode that she made me feel sorry for the way Rick treated her.  I am on Team Lori as everything she did with Shane came after he told her Rick was dead.  Her short period of grief is irrelevant to me.  I will admit that the character doesn't help herself when it comes to fan hatred!

The popularity of Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) can be summed up by watching the opening credits of each season however the character hasn’t evolved from guest star to forth on the cast list for no reason.  Daryl is probably the most developed character on the show.  His interactions with the survivors are very different to what they were in season one – even moments of physical contact with Hershel patting him on the back or Daryl patting Lori show how changed the character is.

 

The same can be said about Carol who also gets the prize for best witty comeback of the episode.  After taking Daryl some food she teases the notion of them screwing around together.  Daryl jumps off the watch post saying “I’ll go down first” to which Carol retorts “even better”.   Carol is no longer the battered wife or grieving mother so for the first time we are seeing her real personality.  Melissa McBride being a very fine actress makes it all the more enjoyable.

Maggie and Glenn’s relationship is developing well however Lauren Cohen still acts Steven Yeun off the screen with so much ease it’s embarrassing. Cohen is very much the surprise find with the cast and long may she survive.  Cohen’s version of Maggie has the potential to be the strong but grounded female character I don’t believe that the Terminator-like Michonne will ever be.

Despite T-Dogs survival chances being a running joke since season one I think Irone Singleton’s every man is a necessary addition to the show.  T-Dog isn’t a leader, he isn’t a badass and he isn’t the villain – he is the Average Joe and I love him for it.  I have such a soft spot for the hardworking T-Dog that I will be gutted if his run on the show comes to an end. 

 

I am not convinced that Michonne will transfer well to the screen from the comics.  As Michonne hasn’t been officially introduced to the audience yet the shots of her chained Walkers look silly without an explanation.  The fact that Andrea appears to just accept them makes it feel even choppier.  It is hard to form an opinion of Danai Gurira based on what we have seen so far but I will either love her or hate her.  There will be no middle ground with this character.

 

There is no denying that the chained Walkers looked fantastic.  The effects on the show are amazing and the amount of work that goes into creating the Walkers doesn’t get enough credit.  The Walking Dead shows that sometimes old fashioned prosthetics and makeup cannot be beaten. 

Episodes of The Walking Dead have ended on quite a few cliff hangers and the season opener was no exception.  Season two tended to follow big episodes with fillers that only moved the story forward in the last scene.  This happened too many times and I hated it. 

 

“Seed” shows that when The Walking Dead is on form it is unbeatable television – it gets a 10/10. 

The Crazies

I have a habit of bleating on and on about my favourite cinematic experiences, but, for the sake of keeping things new and fresh, I am now going to ramble on about my worst cinema experience.

The unfortunate winner of this particular accolade falls to The Crazies.  It was viewed in one of the cheaper cinemas on a Saturday afternoon in a screen jam-packed full of tweens who were too young to be there.  I sneaked into many a film when I was younger but I knew to behave.  It was a long afternoon and I haven’t been back to that cinema since.

 

It has taken me a while to purchase the dvd because I am a forgetful soul but once the notion to watch it again came The Crazies was purchased within a couple of days.

The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 Romero movie of the same name.  It will not surprise you to learn that I have not watched the original. 

PLOT:  After shooting what appeared to be the village drunk at a local baseball game Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant) soon realises that all is not well with the town of Ogden Marsh’s water supply.  As the authorities move in and all hell breaks loose it is up to David to get his pregnant wife Judy (Rhada Mitchell) and a few survivors to the nearby town.  END PLOT

 

The plot is standard but despite its familiarity The Crazies does manage to create a fair amount of tension and jumps.  There were some very strong scenes and set pieces.  The fingers poking through the transportation trucks and the pitchfork scene were very effective and one is in no rush whatsoever to visit a car wash anytime soon.

As the survivors are trying to outrun the virus, the authorities, the infected and each other there is no clear villain and this helps to keep the tension high and proceedings constantly moving.  It felt like a lot of ground was covered in the 98min running time.

 

There is very little CGI with prosthetics and makeup creating the vast majority of the infected residents.  The effects are very impressive as they look real it helps to keep the film grounded.

 

Timothy Olyphant has always been a favourite and in The Crazies he is on typically good form.  His dry delivery means that he does have some humorous moments which usually occur whenever his wife Judy (Rhada Mitchell) or his Deputy (Joe Anderson) ask him stupid questions.  Olyphant is a natural leader who was born to play a member of the police force.  The only way his performance could have been improved would be if he wore a sheriff’s hat.

 

Rhada Mitchell is perfectly fine, if completely unremarkable, and my current favourite Joe Anderson was also very good – for an English actor he does a pretty solid America accent.  A solid film is most definitely elevated by the strong performances of the cast.

 

It’s been a few years since The Crazies was in the cinema and the terrible audience spoiled the film.  On dvd it holds up well and The Crazies gets an 8/10.  I have no doubt that it isn’t as good as the original and there more than likely stronger offerings elsewhere but I don’t care – as a Olyphant and Anderson fan I can’t be unhappy with it. 

 

Yes, I am shallow.  I don't care.

Parnormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity is one of my absolute favourite cinema experiences.  The screen was sold out, filled with adults and we all had a great time.  Since then the quality has been on a consistent free fall but there is always a glimmer of hope that the franchise will churn out another film on par with the first.

I had been well warned that Paranormal Activity 4 was not the return to form that we have all been waiting for so my hopes were kept firmly in check.  The film has been out for quite some time now so there will be spoilers from hereon in.  Abort now if you do not wish to read them.

PLOT:  Five years after the events of the second film Alex (Kathryn Newton) and her boyfriend Ben (Matt Shively) chat online to each other every waking minute of the day.  Alex’s simple life is interrupted when Robbie (Bradly Allen), the strange child from across the street, moves in after his mother is hospitalised.  After noticing some spooky coincidences Alex sets up cameras around the house to try and get to the bottom of the supernatural mystery.  Alex watches her recordings religiously up until the moment that something actually happens and from then on in she either forgets that her cameras are running or doesn’t feel the need to view the footage.  Katie (Katie Featherston) appears.  The family are terrorised by the Paranormal Activity Demon.  The surprise twist. The End.  END PLOT

The plotting of Paranormal Activity 4 isn’t complex but it is riddled with holes and unanswered questions – Why did Katie steal Hunter, put him through the adoption process, only to steal him back again four years later?  Who was Robbie? Where did Robbie go? Why did Doug (Stephen Dunham) not question the possessed knife?  Why did Alex suddenly forget that she was recording everything?

The mythology of the franchise is non-existent and PA4 makes no attempts to develop it other than a throwaway google scene. Katie is the link between each film but there is no point to her being there unless we are given some insight into her relationship with the coven and what they actually want. 

If you have seen one Paranormal Activity you have seen them all.  The constant rehashing of the format wouldn’t be offensive if they actually managed to create some genuine scares – Paranormal Activity 4 has no scares whatsoever although I will concede that the last five minutes was fairly tense.

Newton and Shively are decent in the lead roles however they aren’t under pressure to do anything other than go through the motions.  They were easy to watch and quite likeable which helped the film from being a total train wreck.

Paranormal Activity was such a great film due to the fact it used simple scares and built on them.  None of the sequels have come anywhere close to matching the original and Paranormal Activity 4 adds to the downward sliding momentum.  It gets a generous 3/10.  Whoever edits the trailers for these films is a genius and I already know that if the previews for PA5 are halfway decent I will be there to see it.  The trailer editor needs a good hard slap - he is the true brains behind the franchise.  The talented prick.   

Madagascar3: Europe's Most Wanted

 

Like most casual fans of the Madagascar series I got sucked in by the Circus Afro clip which I have watched more times than I care to admit to.

I skipped Madagascar2 although I can’t pretend to remember why and despite my enjoyment of said Circus Afro clip I only ended up seeing Madagascar3:  Europe’s Most Wanted as there was absolutely nothing else to see.

PLOT:  Still trying to get back to their beloved New York zoo Alex (Ben Stiller), Marty (Chris Rock), Gloria (Jada Pinkett-Smith) and Melman (David Schwimmer) travel to Monte Carlo to find the penguins and monkeys and their futuristic aeroplane.  After being chased by the Terminator of animal control (Frances McDormand) they find themselves stranded in Italy.  The gang then come up with a plan to buy an ailing circus, impress the locals, earn themselves a contract to perform in America and go home.   END PLOT

I was not expecting a deep insight to the homing instincts of captive born animals but the plot of Madagascar3: Europe’s Most Wanted is downright bizarre.   

The opening act of Madagascar3: Europe’s Most Wanted is great fun and laugh out loud on numerous occasions.  Unfortunately it all grinds to a halt when the new characters of Gia (Jessica Chastain), Vitaly (Bryan Cranston) and the incredibly irritating Stefano (Martin Short) arrive.

The entire circus arc goes on for far too long and made a 90min film feel much much longer.  I hadn’t consumed enough sugar to enjoy the psychedelic circus performance which was just weird and never ending. 

There are too many characters and of course the few that are actually amusing, the penguins and to an extent King Julian, are underused.  Madagascar3 needed more of the penguins and less of Alex and Marty but like everything Ben Stiller is involved in he is front and centre and completely uninteresting.

Despite the god awful plot and unfortunate number of characters it is hard to fault the voice work.  My current favourite Jessica Chastain does a commendable job of using a generic non-country specific European accent and Bryan Cranston is unrecognisable with his deep Russian voice.  I will never be a Martin Short fan therefore I am programmed to HATE everything he touches and/or voices.

In this day and age you can’t use the argument that animation is for children, look at How To Train Your Dragon and Tangled, they are two amazing films that cater to all ages.  I feel sorry for any child whose introduction to the cinematic world is Madagascar3.  It will put them off for life.

Madagascar3: Europe’s Most Wanted is a colourful, migraine, inducing mess but it’s saving grace is the criminally catchy Circus Afro clip and four penguins who really need to branch out on their own.  There are giggles but after a very strong opening section the entire film just falls flat. It gets a 4.5/10. 

[REC]3: Genesis

[REC] was my first foray into foreign language horror therefore I have a real affection for it and the follow up [REC]2.

Unfortunately [REC]3: Genesis didn’t get a cinematic release which means I now have a perfect score of not seeing any of the films on the big screen.

PLOT: Koldo (Diego Martin) and Clara (Leticia Dolera) are celebrating their wedding day with family and friends at a lavish hotel when an uncle, who has been harbouring a dog bite injury, suddenly becomes enraged and starts attacking the guests. As the infection spreads Koldo and Clara try to leave the hotel and get to safety however this isn’t the first outbreak of this kind that the authorities have dealt with........ END PLOT

The success of the [REC] films isn’t due to complex plotting or well structured mythology but rather because of their style. The handheld camerawork in the cramped apartment block worked very well for the first two films but with Genesis it is all change.

Gone are Angela Vidal and the darkly lit apartments, two aspects that could justifiably be dropped in an attempt to widen the story but Genesis does the unthinkable – it drops the handheld camera.

The handheld camera made a brief cameo during the opening “getting to know the characters” segment before switching to a more standard format as soon as the action began. The purposeful smashing of the video cameras rubbed salt in the wounds.

The gritty feel of the [REC] franchise has been replaced by an over glossed mess. If the filmmakers were not capable of progressing the story without abandoning the key features of the franchise then they probably shouldn’t have bothered.

Losing the handheld cameras wasn’t the only drastic shift as the tension and scares have been replaced with comedy. There are a few decent one liners and comical moments such as the grandfather’s hearing aid but overall the comedic tone fell flat.

With the handheld cameras gone it allowed the action sequences to play out on a much grander scale. Genesis can boast that is it by far the bloodiest of the trilogy. The problem is I prefer tension and scares to in your face gore when it comes to horror so I was never going to be completely satisfied with this element of the film.

The action is fairly impressive and on another day an angry bride wielding a chainsaw at hoard of zombies would be pretty spectacular. As a stand alone comedy/horror it may have worked, but like everything else, the action was so far removed from the events of the previous films that it just seemed overly ridiculous.

Performance wise Leticia Dolera (Clara) was very good as Clara although once it occurred to me that she looked like Shelly Duvall from The Shining I couldn’t let it go. Diego Martin as her (literal) knight in shining armour Koldo was also fine. Despite the surrounding blood and gore their relationship was actually quite sweet.

Paco Plaza wrote and co-directed the first two [REC] films with Jaume Balaguero but Genesis is the first time Plaza has flown solo. It does make you question just how important Balaguero’s influence on the franchise was.

[REC]3: Genesis isn’t a bad film in terms of solid 90min horror/comedies but as the third offering of one my favourite horror franchises it is terrible. It gets 4.5/10 as it was fairly enjoyable but as a potential franchise killer it deserves a much lower rating.

[REC]3: Genesis knocks X-Men 3 of the top of the chart when it comes to less than average third instalments. Those of you who know just how gutted I was at X-Men3 will understand the level of my sorrow.

Times Square, June

This is my homework based on the key words "Times Square and June". I got sidetracked by the geography of New York (which I still haven't got right) so the story is nothing like I planned.  It is product of reading WWZ too many times and not having an original thought in my head.

I stepped out of the helicopter and it hit me, that familiar smell of death and decay.  I’ve stopped wondering how long it will stay in the air.  I no longer feel the need to wretch.  My stomach gave a little flutter, not at the smell, but at the realisation that after almost a year of living in hell my body has accepted it as normal.  I feel more fear by this notion than I felt during my entire time at Brooklyn.

I was in charge of the Brooklyn Bridge for six months.  I was there when the evacuation began and I was there to oversee the first recon team ventured into Manhattan.  I was also the one to give the order to close the Bridge.

We had kept the Bridge open for the first few weeks and the public shuffled their way through, slowly but surely.  The medical teams were filtering out the Infected with the dogs picking out the rest.  I am proud that not one of the Infected got through on my watch. 

Thousands were saved at Brooklyn but we should have saved more.  Someone made the decision to blow up the rest of the bridges and fill in the Lincoln Tunnel in an attempt to streamline the flow of refugees.  It was never announced who made this decision.  There was no glory with it so it’s hardly surprising that it was brushed under the carpet.

My team did their job and they did it well.  It was those idiots on the Washington Bridge that let a few of the Infected across.  In fairness the Infected were quickly put down but they got lucky and a major catastrophe was diverted.  It was only then that the policy of Zero Tolerance was introduced.  This was the day when someone sitting in an office surrounded by armed guards said a big fuck you to Manhattan.

No more people got off the Island, at least, no one got off it from my Bridge.

Chaos followed as the civilians tried to force their way through the blockade but we held our ground.  I will admit that I gave the order on several occasions for shots to be fired.  The crowds needed to be dispersed and quickly.  A mass gathering of people increased the odds of the infection spreading.

The clever few sensed this and moved on.  I hope they found another way out.  I know there were boats charging a small fortune to take people across the river.  I hinted as much to those who would listen.  The cost would have quadrupled when the Navy were given orders to sink any boats assisting escapees.

Thanks to the media my face is now forever associated with closing the Brooklyn Bridge.  I am hated for it but at least I never used the circumstances to make a profit – I was merely following orders.  I did what I had to do, at least this is what I tell myself when I wake up in the night.   This always happens on the rare occasions when I manage to sleep.

I can still see the faces of each and every soul who cursed death upon me for not letting them across the Bridge.  Mothers wailed and fathers held their children up in the air to give me a better view of those I helped to sentenced to death…. merely following orders.  If I keep repeating it I am bound to start believing it. 

There was one man who tried to cross the Bridge just as the evacuation order had been issued.  This was before the crowds arrived. He had his dog with him – an old, grey mongrel with three legs.  Animals weren’t allowed across the Bridge and he refused to leave his dog.  He was the only person who turned back with their pet.  I know he smiled at the dog before he turned away.  The dog’s name was Toby.  I saw his name on his dirty gold collar.  I can’t remember what the man looked like.  

Three weeks was all it took for the angry and betrayed faces of the condemned to slowly transform into a hoard of the Infected.  The barrier was strong and was never going to be breached.  I allowed my team to take their time picking off the Infected.  I knew that they were worried about friendly fire and I thought this approach would ease their stress.  

It only took about a week before the smell became unbearable.  I led by example and lit the first fire. It got rid of the bodies and killing any Infected who were on fire removed the human element even further.  No one ever said anything but I knew they thanked me for it.

Fifty of us held the Bridge for the five months it was shut.  I didn’t lose a man.  This went unnoticed by the world as once again everyone’s attention was on the Washington Bridge where one fuck up followed after another.  In the end they just blew up the Bridge and transferred everyone to Yonkers.

I can’t imagine that many people in South Manhattan made it as far as the Park but they didn’t stand a chance if they made it to the bloodbath that was Yonkers.  We got off lightly compared to that shit storm yet it was hailed as a success.

Nevertheless here I stand in the middle of Times Square on 1^st June one hundred and eighty days after I started my post at Brooklyn.  The Square was once one of the world’s most recognisable sights but now it is a dilapidated and broken down cemetery where those who managed to ride out the past six months in hiding were herded.

Luckily for the survivors it seems that the relief teams have been quickly put in place and they appear to be getting looked after well.  It is some small consolation I suppose.  I am sure they will make a small fortune appearing on chat shows once they have been given the all clear.  I don’t mean this it’s just the lack of sleep talking.

The population of Manhattan once boasted over four million now only a few thousand remain.  It took weeks to gather up the survivors.  Unfortunately for all the advances in technology infrared couldn’t differentiate between humans and the Infected.  Clearing the streets was a slow task but I don’t blame the survivors from hiding from us.  I wouldn’t have trusted me either.

With the south being completely clear Times Square became the official centre point for the relief stations.  A line across 57^th Street signified the end of the green zone.  The line was drawn very hastily so I’m glad it isn’t my signature authorising this decision.

I have been told that as a reward for my heroics at Brooklyn I am to be charged with overseeing the clear out in Central Park.  I think this is code for me being the most expendable. 

My team followed me out of the helicopter and started to stock up on supplies for our journey through the overgrown wilderness of the Park.  I reached out to take the checklist from Jones, my second in command, and became very aware of the burning sensation in my left arm.

I've had no contact with any of the Infected so I see no cause for alarm. I cut it on some glass when reaching down for my backpack before getting onto the helicopter.  I managed to avoid injury for six months yet it’s a small shard of glass that gets me hour before I left the Bridge.  If I thought for one second that I was about to become one of the Infected I would pull the trigger without hesitation.  I would never risk my putting anyone in danger.

Jones is now looking at my arm so I stretch dramatically and motion that we are ready to head out.  I lead the charge as we walk through Times Square nodding in acknowledgement at the survivors.  I allow my team their moment of fame as we trudge up 7^th Avenue.  It’s the very least they deserve. 

I give myself a shake.  I don’t mean to feel so bitter but I just need to sleep.  I am proud of what we have achieved.  The sight in Times Square shows that humanity can endure even the most unthinkable horrors.  These people are the real heroes.

The burning pain is getting worse.   I will put a proper dressing on it once we get the entrance to the Park.  I turn back to take one final look at Times Square.  My arm? It’s nothing to worry about at all.  I will keep repeating this until I believe it.

Dead Snow

I had looked at the dvd of Dead Snow for what felt like years before I gave in and bought it.

The triple threat of a genuine fear of zombies, a natural distrust of Nazis and an overactive imagination meant that I put off watching the film for as long as possible.

It was with nervous anticipation that I watched the film.

PLOT: Six students head up into the mountains for a skiing holiday. They fail to take heed to a wandering stranger’s overly cryptic warnings about Nazis’ and curses and continue about their drinking and skiing. After stealing from a mysterious old box they awaken a hoard of possessed undead Nazis who are out for blood. END PLOT

The plot of Dead Snow isn’t deep but I can’t imagine anyone would watch the film with the expectation of seeing a historically accurate portrayal of the German invasion of Norway. There is an attempt at laying out some mythology but it is as ridiculous as it is basic.

The tone is light hearted and the action, although very bloody, is very slapstick which may not appeal to some tastes. There are some genuinely amusing one-liners and reaction shots but there are also some ridiculously funny laughs to be had as well – Hanna being attacked by the bird in the tree and the entire amputation sequence were hilariously well done.

There is plenty of blood and guts and I mean this literally. I think Dead Snow takes the award for most deaths by intestine removal but although there is plenty of gore it is very cartoony and is played for laughs rather than scares. In fact the most grotesque scene was a bathroom sex scene which emphasises the need for hand washing but again it was played for a cringing laugh.

Despite a standard run time of 90mins Dead Snow almost takes too long to get going but once it does the time flies. It is in no way a scary film but you quickly realise that it isn’t trying to be –Dead Snow is played purely for laughs.

Dead Snow gets a 6.5/10. It is a thoroughly entertaining film but now that I have watched and enjoyed it I can’t imagine that I will need to view it a second time.

Skyfall

I’ve never been a fan of James Bond although I live in a house with someone who is so I have watched, albeit under duress, the vast majority of the films.

The Daniel Craig offerings are the only Bonds that I have watched in the cinema. I vaguely remember enjoying Casino Royale and I strongly remember hating Quantum of Solace. The trailer for Skyfall was convincing so I went into the screen with nothing more than casual curiosity.

PLOT: After an assignment in Turkey goes very wrong James Bond (Daniel Craig) returns to London to discover MI6 is under attack. The attack then become personal when it becomes clear that M (Judi Dench) is the target of deranged terrorist Silva (Javier Bardem). END PLOT

My general attitude towards the James Bond franchise is that if you have seen one you have seen them all. The witty quips, the car, the martini, the ridiculous gadgets, the Bond girls – it has been lather, rinse and repeat over the course of fifty years and it has always bored me.

Initially I thought that Skyfall was going to be no different as I started to feel restless very early on in the film but by the end I was on the edge of my seat. I didn’t realise how invested I’d become until it was too late.

The relationship between Bond and M is more prominent in Skyfall than in previous films.  There is actually tension and a real possibility that Bond, who is struggling with injuries, might not save the day.

Daniel Craig is excellent as James Bond and he brings with him an edgier offering than Pierce Brosnan. In Skyfall Craig’s Bond is ageing, broken and in danger of being pushed aside by the younger generation of Eve (Naomie Harris), a character who seems rather pointless until the very end and Q (Ben Whishaw) the super brainy tech support.  Craig has great chemistry with Harris and Whishaw who are both fantastic additions to the cast.

Dame Judi Dench gets up from behind M’s desk and finds herself right in the thick of the action. It is always expected that Dench will put in a great performance with limited screen time but in Skyfall she is front and centre and steals the show.

Javier Bardem is effectively menacing and his interrogation of Bond is downright unsettling. Bardem is clearly enjoying skirting along the edges of overacting but Silva never steps into full blown crazy territory.

The success of the Bourne films means that Bond has followed suit and has become much grittier.  The tone is serious and although the Bond/Q scenes are amusing the familiar Bondian quips are few and far between however Skyfall is better off for it.

Thankfully the cheesy gadgets such as the god awful disappearing car have become outdated and are hopefully gone forever. In Skyfall Bond gets nothing more than a gun and a radio. The rest is up to him.

As expected there are a number action set pieces all of which are very slick and well executed. There is of course a motorcycle chase scene, a now mandatory feature in action films; nevertheless this particular sequence is very impressive. The opening credits on the other hand with that wailing banshee Adele were not so impressive.

Skyfall clocks in at 143mins which was probably a tad too long as there were a few occasions in the first half when I began to feel a bit restless - once the film got going time was no longer an issue.

I will never be a huge fan of the franchise but Skyfall is the first time I’ve ever not only enjoyed a Bond film but wanted to go straight into the next one. Skyfall gets an 8/10 and I wouldn't be too unhappy to watch it again in the future.

My top ten sexiest male fictional characters

I am not one for lists but after a mass tweeting of attractive pictures on twitter those epically awesome people involved and myself each decided to compile a formal pictorial list, purely for research purposes of course. 

I did post this on Tumblr in an attempt to improve my picture uploading skills but I realised as soon as I posted it that the list looked exactly like it would if I used my usual blog hence the (100% unnecessary) double post.

 

No. ten:  Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe)

The West Wing is one of the greatest television shows ever made and it created some of tv’s best written characters.  I appreciate that a huge chunk of the credit must go to Aaron Sorkin but Rob Lowe as Sam Seaborn brought a bit of glamour to the constant rushing around and fast paced dialogue.  When Sam put on his glasses you knew that shit was getting real and his earnest attitude towards fixing America made him utterly adorable.  There is an argument to be had that the show started to go downhill when he left.

No nine: Beast (Possessed Prince)

Stay with me please, I am not crazy or into anything freaky I promise you. The Beast starts off as an angry, father kidnapping bastard who evolves into a wolf fighting, spoon using, snowball fight losing, library giving softy.  When Beast gives Belle the library I am sold.  The ballroom dance scene is the perfect date and at the end when there is always the chance that the Beast might actually die it is one of the most stressful parts of any film I have ever watched.

Beast then becomes human and the magic is killed.

No eight: Face (Dirk Benedict)

To hell with Bradley Cooper and his machine gun tottin’ antics in the film, Dirk Benedict’s Face, who hated to get his hands dirty as he was so damn good looking made for a much better character.    Granted he isn't the best in a gun fight but if you urgently need a Cadillac in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle Face is your man.  The ultimate conman who never veered into sleazy territory.

No seven:  Black Hat (Karl Urban)

It was due to Mr Urban’s effortlessly attractive hat wearing awesomeness in the god awful Priest that started the hotly contested debate about the top ten sexiest characters.  Despite being the villains Karl and his hat made for quite the scene stealing double team.  The film would have been a much more pleasant experience if it was just a 90min shot of this mighty fine duo.  

No six: Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles)

The writing in Supernatural may have ebbed and flowed over the years but the shows main constant was the ridiculous attractiveness of Dean Winchester.  This constant pop culture referencing, smart arse with father issues which are only beaten by his closeted alcoholism does make for one of the best tortured male lead crushes in history.  

Kindly multiply this by at least x100,000,000 if he is either kidnapped or bleeding.  If he happens to be doing both at the same time the rest of mankind is absolutely fucked.

No five: Cpl Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn)

Despite being over twenty-five years old Aliens still remains one of my all time favourite action movies.  Aliens is helped along nicely by the casting of Michael Biehn, James Cameron’s Official Heartthrob circa 1985/1986.  A badass marine with a soft spot for children who stays always stays frosty?  I should think so. 

No four: Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus)

Daryl Dixon, the wisecracking, semi racist, redneck with a soft spot for children whose weapon of choice is a crossbow was always going to make the list.

You just have to look at the shows opening credits throughout the three seasons of The Walking Dead, or as I prefer to call it, the evolution of Daryl’s popularity, to see how important this dude is to the show.

No three:  Aramis (Jeremy Irons)

We shall ignore the huge black spot on this character’s reputation as he was also played by Charlie Sheen and focus solely on the Jeremy Irons version of Aramis.

I have read Dumas’ books and Aramis easily my favourite character.  Studying to be a priest he hates violence, once a priest he becomes a ninja like warrior - his fickle nature means Aramis never sits still and his antics in Twenty Years Later are the best part of the entire series.  Aramis is a secret player which worries even D'Artagnan when he finds out.

Irons’ version doesn’t quite show Aramis’ Machiavellian undertones as in the books the character doesn’t really give a shit about the Man in the Iron Mask but merely sees it as another means to become Pope.  Books or films there is no hiding the coolness of Aramis.

 Luke Evans; further that the WHAT THE FUCK query in respect of Charlie Sheen's casting is more than justified.

No two: Neil Caffrey

White Collar is my go to guilty pleasure tv show. I get bored very easily with procedurals but White Collar is the exception.  Without the casting of Matt Bomer as Neil Caffrey and his chemistry with the camera, his hat and the rest of the show White Collar would be instantly forgettable.  Neil Caffrey is an intelligent, non-violent, attractive every-man who can’t resist the next con.  His ability to talk himself out of trouble is a handy attribute.  Did I mention the hat?

No one: Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen)

Aragorn.  Where to start?  Well look in the dictionary under sexy characters and there you will find his picture.  I’d follow him as my Captain and my King right into the fiery gates of Mordor.  Over the course of three loooong films Aragorn fought his way through Middle Earth occasionally clutching his necklace given to him by his one true love.  Fuck you Eowyn.

 

Aragorn is the ultimate sword wielding hero whose only weakness is falling off a cliff after getting himself caught on a suicidal wolf.  This weakness is superseded by the fact that he is rescued by a horse in a scene so moving that Walt Disney burst an blood vessel in a jealous rage.

When Aragorn finally steps up to be King he gets his dramatic “white horse” speech in which woman everywhere took up arms and ran straight into their televisions.

I prefer to stop the film before he grows a beard and devours Liv Tyler.