Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

One of the best aspects of living in the cinema is watching trailers and there are some, and an easy example would be The Dark Knight, which are just as epic as the film itself. The trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was obviously not in the same league but it was pretty persuasive. Unfortunately, there are films that should be forever confined to the running length of a two minute trailer. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is one such film.

PLOT: Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) witnesses his mother being killed by a vampire and vows to seek revenge. After it inevitably goes wrong Abraham, together with the help of Henry (Dominic Cooper) and a short montage, becomes a skilled vampire hunter. Despite being told to lay low and quash any desire for revenge Abraham falls in love, enters politics and becomes President. Vampires are rich white people that serve up black slaves at a buffet. Abraham dislikes this and goes to war with the vampires of the South. The vampires are defeated and Abraham celebrates by going to the theatre….. END PLOT

 

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is based on the novel of the same name by Seth Graham-Smith who also brought us Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. I have not read the novel but I think it is safe to presume that major liberties have been taken with the text as I fail to believe that a story so bad could be published and then adapted to the big screen. I will give Graham-Smith the benefit of the doubt on this one as Pride, Prejudice and Zombies is the only time I’ve enjoyed anything by Jane Austen.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was never going to be plot heavy and I knew this before I watched the film but some of the plot points really missed the mark. The slave buffet scene attempted to be symbolic but it was cringe worthy in its execution.

Benjamin Walker does lack charisma, enthusiasm and leading man capabilities but he did look like Liam Neeson Abraham Lincoln and for a film that attempted to put visuals above and beyond everything else I suppose he can be considered a success.

It feels like Anthony Mackie has been on the verge of A List stardom for such a long time unfortunately this is not going to be a career defining performance.

Dominic Cooper continues to be better than expected and Rufus Sewell continues to play the same villain he has plays for the vast majority of his career.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter lacks a strong script and the cast to make it stand out but Timur Bekmambetov is a director who always has the potential to give us some strong visuals and action. This did not happen.

The set pieces pushed the action boundaries a bit too far with the awful horse stampede (vampires throwing horses!!) and the finale on the train. They ropey CGI was not helped by the constant dust and smoke that seemed to engulf each sequence which made it almost impossible to see what was happening.

The action, when it eventually arrived, lacked coherent fluidity save for the “pass the axe” sequence between Abraham and Will (Anthony Mackie) and was so CGI heavy it look almost cartoony. The film can’t even claim that it went for style over substance as the effects were so poor.

The 3D was non-existent but luckily as I have a supply of 3D glasses it did not cost any extra. Perhaps the conversion to 3D took away from the original visuals but everything else was so shoddy I have no desire to watch the film on the small screen to see if it improves.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was never going to be anything more than a decent summer filler but it didn’t even reach those lowly heights. The film is nothing more than an empty 90min trailer and should only be viewed if nothing else is on offer - disgracefully disappointing. 4/10

Rock of Ages

I am not a fan of Tom Cruise. I am a fan of musicals. The two combined this week in Rock of Ages and as it transpired that I love musicals more than I dislike Tom Cruise I was there on opening day in an empty cinema.

PLOT: In 1987 Sherrie, (Julianne Hough) a girl who deems it complimentary when told that she smells of wine and cheap perfume, moves from Oklahoma to LA and falls in love with Drew (Diego Boneta). The two work in The Bourbon Room, a rock bar which is preparing for Arsenal’s final performance. The problem is their lead singer, Stacee Jaxx, (Tom Cruise) is completely unreliable. Will Stacee Jaxx play the gig? Will the young couple stay together forever? Will Russell Brand get too much screen time? END PLOT

The plot of Rock of Ages is not complex. It is a musical so it doesn’t need to be as it can rely on the songs and set pieces to get by – let’s be honest the plot of Grease is as thin as it gets.

Rock of Ages has a running time of two hours which is just too long. The love story between Sherrie and Drew causes the film to lag and I don’t think I could decide whether it was the monkey or Russell Brand who was the least amusing aspect of the film. The plot was weak and the length of the film served only to highlight this.

Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta are capable leads even though they look and sound like they have been genetically created by the Disney Channel.

Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand get far too much screen time and they have forever ruined REO Speedwagon. There were some comical moments from the pair but most of the humour, especially from Brand, missed the mark by some way.

Is it law that Brian Cranston must have a small role in every film? If ever there was a character that served no purpose in Rock of Ages it would the Mayor. The Mayor’s wife is a different story altogether as Catherine Zeta Jones was typically fantastic.

My dislike for Tom Cruise is well known but no matter how hard I try I cannot fault his performance. Cruise was great fun as Stacee Jaxx and brought appropriate levels of swagger to the role – his singing wasn’t bad either. The success of the film rides on his performance and luckily for all involved he pulled it off.

The musical numbers were big, loud and for the most part well executed. There were some nice mash-ups which include “We’re not going to take it/We Built This City” and “Juke Box Hero/I Love Rock n Roll” as well as some decent covers of well known rock songs. I was fortunate enough to know the originals before hand so I enjoyed the Glee-esque reworking of the classics. There are a couple that will make it into my I-pod but the vast majority wont.

If Rock of Ages ever comes to Belfast I will be there in flash as I can see why it would work as a musical show. The transference to the big screen just falls short and I blame this mostly on the length…… and the monkey.

Rock of Ages gets 7.5/10. If the bluray comes with a self editing feature and I could delete Brand/Baldwin, the love storyline and the monkey...... or I will just watch the sing-along version.

The Pact

Following the big blockbusters of The Avengers and Prometheus there was nothing of import released this week. This is the only reason that The Pact was on my radar.

PLOT: After their estranged mother dies Annie (Caity Lotz) heads home to attend the funeral with her sister Nicole (Agnes Brucker). When Annie arrives home she finds her sister missing and her family home abandoned. The longer Annie stays in the house the more she realises that she is not alone. On further investigation of the supernatural presence it becomes clear that it is warning Annie of a more sinister danger lurking in her house….. END PLOT

The Pact is typical low budget fare and it doesn’t offer anything new in terms of story telling nor does it provide any real scares. Then again it doesn’t try very hard to do either and you don’t have to look very hard to find holes in the plot.

The plot is very predictable and you can see the twist long before Annie does. Despite being several giant steps ahead of Annie the last twenty minutes do become very tense with the arrival of the true villain of the film.

The cast is made up of unfamiliar faces with the exception of Casper van Dien, the bastard love child of a very experimental threesome consisting of Josh Holloway, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Michael Biehn. Van Dien has some very decent stubble but the only purpose of his character is to pad out an already short running film (it clocks in at 89mins)

Holloway, Coster-Waldau and Biehn.  Eat a lot of Smarties and then squint and you can see it.

The Pact is obviously a low budget film and the effects are basic without looking overly cheap so I suppose they have to be considered a success. The low budget feel suits the film as it takes place in a rundown town where Christmas is miserable, girls pee with the bathroom door open and bras do not colour code appropriately with underwear or clothing.

The Pact is written and directed by a relative newcomer Nicolas McCarthy who has essentially remade his own short into a feature length film (IMDB).  McCarthy has stuck very closely to a tried and tested formula with found footage being the only technique which was not used.

This weekend I had a choice between Men in Black3 or The Pact. I have to say that it was my lack of interest in MIB3 rather than any great desire to see The Pact which swayed my decision. If there is nothing else on offer go and see it as it kills 89mins easily enough. It gets a 5.5/10. It probably deserves less but I am generous with my ratings these days.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Snow White and the Huntsman is the second adaptation of the tale for 2012. It was the one I was looking forward to the most as the trailer implied a more grown up offering rather than the cartoonish Mirror Mirror.

PLOT: After Snow White’s (Kristen Stewart) mother dies in a harsh winter her father’s depression is lifted by the first attractive female he meets. Unfortunately for Snow White her new step mother, Ravenna (Charlize Theron) is a narcissistic witch who is insanely jealous of Snow White’s beauty. Snow White escapes the castle and hides in the enchanted forest. Ravenna hires the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to bring her Snow’s heart. Snow White along with the help of several dwarves team up to defeat the wicked queen and save the kingdom. END PLOT

The story of Snow White is well known but credit should be given to Snow White and the Huntsman for trying to produce a more adult offering compared to Mirror Mirror.

The epic feel of Snow White was heavily featured in the trailer but unfortunately the battle action lasted no longer than the snippet in the previews. The fantasy element was played up greatly in the second act however the film ground to a halt so that Snow White could frolic with some fairies and stare slack jawed at a white deer for at least twelve minutes.

The tone of the film was extremely uneven and although the fantasy element during Snow’s initial journey into the dark forest was impressive the effects which followed added very little to the film.

As much as I was looking forward to Snow White my biggest fear was the casting of Kristen Stewart. I am not a fan of the Twilight saga and Stewart's portrayal of the Bella Swann has been consistently cringe worthy.

Stewart does pull of a fairly decent English accent however her “rally the troops into battle” speech is the most she speaks in the entire film.  There was a noticeable lack of dialogue from the title character for the vast majority of the the two hour running time. Stewart’s method of hyperventilating to convey emotion is not fooling anyone and it beggars belief how she was cast as the lead in this film - she is a terrible actress who looks consistently bored.  The only time I was convinced by her portrayal of Snow White was when she was unconscious.

Chris Hemsworth has proved that he has a strong sword arm and can now add Almost Scottish to his growing repertoire of almost accents. Hemsworth, although very muscular, is becoming a one trick pony albeit his trick is decent. Hemsworth’s next major role is playing the iconic James Hunt – this will be the role that defines what direction his career is going to take.

No real point to this picture but if Hemsworth is good as James Hunt I will love him forever!

Charlize Theron graduated top of the class of “ee-nun-see-ate to show that aye aaammm eeeevaaal” and although this was risky it didn’t stray into take the piss territory until after the film had ended. Theron was a strong villain who managed to evoke a certain amount of sympathy. The ageing effects were impressive and it was hard to tell when we were seeing the real Theron.

The supporting cast of dwarves were made up of Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Nick Frost and the ever entertaining Ray Winstone but their screen time was limited and they were reduced to comic effect which was as uneven as the overall tone of the film.

The main problem with Snow White and the Huntsman wasn’t the casting. It was the severe lack of chemistry.

Snow White and the Huntsman spend a large portion of the film together and although Hemsworth tries hard Stewart looked bored throughout. There was no spark at all between the two leads.

It may have been because I was getting as bored as Stewart or it may have been because Sam Claflin was quite attractive but the film was lifted whenever he was on screen. What is it with me and an attractive man with a bow and arrow?

The introduction of William (Snow’s childhood friend) skewed the storyline slightly as he wasn’t the Prince or Snow White’s true love. I know this particular adaptation claimed to put a fresh twist on the tale but there is something about the three leads, their amounts of screen time and the ending in which Snow White didn’t choose a Prince just screamed to me that there were heavy edits in this film.

I really feel like the filmmakers realised that Stewart was the weak link and they desperately tried to write Snow White out of her own story. The fact that it was announced that the Huntsman would be getting his own movie meant alarm bells were ringing before the film was even released.

It would have been extremely easy to rename the film The Huntsman and tell it from his point of view and frankly that is what they should have done.

Snow White and the Huntsman is very much a missed opportunity as the basis for an epic fairy tale was there.  It is just unfortunate a strong script and experienced director were not. Snow White and the Huntsman gets a 6/10.

As with most fantasy films it would have been greatly improved if Guillermo del Toro had been involved, but then again, I could end every single review with that comment.

Prometheus - spoiler free

I had avoided all promotion, publicity and spoilers for Prometheus as I wanted to go into the cinema on opening day completely blind. It was a complete 180 turnaround from The Avengers as with each passing tv spot I had practically watched the film before it was released.

PLOT: Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) find a sequence of unrelated cave paintings which suggests the answer to the origins of mankind may be found on a distant planet. The scientists join a crew of explorers and set off to find the planet. Once they arrive there are more questions than answers as they stumble upon something which requires me to go back and watch the film again to understand it fully (ever the professional). END PLOT

The pace of the plotting is slow yet engaging but only up to a point. I have never been a fan of films that attempt to explore the creation of mankind as they ultimately leave the question open to allow for “viewer interpretation” however in Prometheus it wreaks of “how the hell should I know but the movie is already over two hours long so let’s just wrap it up and leave it up to viewer interpretation – or the sequel”.

The film ended with so many questions you just have to question the strength of the writing.  I have no problem with open ended films but it just felt that Prometheus was too vague to be considered clever or thought provoking.

Although the storyline left a lot to be desired there were many other aspects of the film which saved it.  The cast were exceptional for the most part with Noomi Rapace and Michael Fassbender being the unsurprising standouts although it has to be noted that their characters were the only two that the film attempted to flesh out.

Charlize Theron was fine however her character was ultimately pointless. If Meredith Vickers was removed completely there would be no gap to fill. Vicker’s revelation towards the end of the film was so cheesy it induced neck muscle straining levels of cringe.

Idris Elba, although as effortless as ever, wins the award for the most unnecessary American Accent of the year and the rest of the cast are all vaguely familiar from somewhere (Sunshine and minor Game of Thrones roles).

The film looks as gorgeous as you would expect – it was dark, atmospheric and simply stunning.

The effects and set pieces, although sometimes lacking in tension, were well executed however there was no grand finale, or if there was, I was underwhelmed.

The poorest effect was probably the most basic – Guy Piece being aged looked awful and he reminded me of a very old Bill Tannen gone wrong.

I like my sci-fi slow moving and atmospheric and Prometheus did fit the bill perfectly but it has also left me cold and I cannot explain why. It is most definitely a film that needs to be watched a couple of times to be appreciated so I will check it out again on dvd. Prometheus gets decent first viewing score of 7.5/10. It just lacked something but I’d be dammed if I know what it was.

I would not be unhappy if James Cameron rocked up with the Marines for Prometheus’s, Prometheus’, Prome2heus, Promethei, the sequel.

PS – the Alien references are there and blatantly obvious but you can find them for yourselves!