Sunday, 10 May 2009

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

There are enough movies out there, all of which set in different countries, locations, time periods and they all have one important point.  Zombies Kill.  They are created by chance - an experiment gone wrong, nuclear warfare, dodgy medication or quite simply that last living zombie you thought you had killed just before the happy-ever-after montage started wasn’t completely “Dead” and started the whole pandemic up again…..So if you haven’t got the basics covered then quite frankly you only have yourself to blame.

Learn from the movies people, even by watching Shaun of the Dead you can learn how to survive.  If you wont watch it for entertainment then watch to live.

There are five short and easy steps that should be adhered to in order to increase the likelihood of surviving the inconvenience of a Zombie Apocalypse 

Step 1: Chose you allies
Every living person needs a group of friends to ride out the Zombie Apocalypse with.  If you are a loner then give up now as let’s face it if you do survive who are you going to celebrate with?  If you have 2001facebook pals or a phone full of people you went to high school with 10 frickin’ years ago then it just means that you are simply desperate to be popular and have some low-self esteem issues and in the real world, you know the one with the Zombie Apocalypse, it means jack-shit.  

You need a group of about six people and as Cliché Dictates/God Commands it.

They should be roughly the following:

The Guy:    
Average age 20-30 with looks ranging from “reasonably attractive” to “oh shit I’ve just lost a chuck of my calf muscle as I was staring at the incredibly hot man and I am 100% heterosexual…honestly”  Usually in the form of a clean cut rich boy with scarily white teeth.  He will be wearing a sweater that subtly hints at some serious muscle underneath. 

The Guy’s Gorgeous Girl:    
The Guy of the group must have a G.G as he needs to be able to save someone in a heroic manly fashion and lets face it with that body and those teeth he isn’t going to rescue an Ugly Betty.

The Ugly Betty:    
The G.G.G’s best friend.  The Fat Cox to the Beautiful Aniston.  In real life 97% of woman will fulfil this role.  You are frumpy and ugly.  Your chances of survival are quite high until you are trapped with the G.G.G and you both need to be saved.  You will be used as bait so that The Guy can get the G.G.G to safety.  They will watch your painful death from a safe spot nearby and quite frankly if you couldn’t see the safe spot yourself then you deserve all you get.

The Guys Best Fuckin Friend Forever:    
The Guys one true love.  You will die. The Guy will cry thereby increasing his level of prettiness and his chances of survival.  

The Nerd:    
Every group needs a nerd.  That one token retard/brain box whose sole purpose for existing is to make the rest of the gang look super cool.  Loners mentioned above please take heart from this as you can become a valuable asset to another group.  You will die of course and but let‘s face it - it‘s better to die a bit player in someone else’s story than being the star player in your own - let’s try and keep this thing realistic.

The Comedian:    
You will undoubtedly get the wittiest one liners in your bid to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and people will be quoting you like they quote the bible or the latest Will Ferrell Comedy but you will die and in an ironic twist of fate you will just have to live with that.

The aforementioned six is a typical group that will form to ride out the zombie pandemic but if you cannot form this type of group, for example, my three chosen Apocalypse Pals nor myself fall into any of the criteria above but there are steps you can take to beef up you group i.e. recruit extras to your squad solely for the purpose of letting them be killed off.  It’s dirty but fuck it.  There are no rules in war.

The Obnoxious Guy:
Let’s face it everyone knows an O.B, you know the kind, always leaving the toilet seat up, laughs at Jack Black Jokes, honks his horn in traffic (he will usually be driving some phallic shaped car) and such like.  No one who laughs at Jack Black Jokes can survive and join the New World Order so he has to go.  It should be pointed out that Jack Black will not survive either….There may be a Zombie Apocalypse but every cloud has a silver lining.

The “Let’s Be Friends Hippy”:
Some flower power 60’s reject who is all about love and peace.  He can be dispensed of as he will no doubt reason with the zombie, communicate with it and try and be friends.  This act of LSD induced stupidity will occur when you are trapped giving you and your friends aka the Main Group a chance to get the fuck outa dodge.

The Slut:
The Slut is a bit player in any story, hogging all the sex scenes for herself and wearing the most ridiculous shoes.  She will no doubt be named after something French.  The one fact that never gets any less enjoyable, no matter who The Slut is - the more graphic the sex scene - the more graphic the death scene.

The Fat Person:
Arguably this could merge the U.B or an Ugly Berty but it never hurts to have a F.P with you.  He will take up most of the back seat in the mini van you have stolen, he will eat all the supply food he and will have the added inconvenience of being ugly but he will die thereby causing you to live.  It’s the Z.A and sacrifices have to be made.

Also, depending on how long said Z.A lasts you might need food for the winter.  Since the inconsiderate fat fuck has eaten all the cans of beans and peas (which were the only cans in your house) he can finally prove himself useful. Please note that the XXXL tee-shirt can provide shelter and various garments for those who have survived him namely the Main Group.  I don’t want to insult the F.P by insinuating that he will not be able to outrun a lame Zombie enabling you to scamper off to safety.

The Old Person:
They make a handy decoy/sacrifice.  Since most relatives don’t bother visiting an O.P in the retirement home when all is well with the world chances of them mounting a daring rescue of an O.P are slim.  You can rest assured that there will be plenty of expendable O.P’s floating around.  They die quickly but they are large in number and easily replenished.    

If your group is not particularly ethnically diverse, you don’t have a foreign exchange student, you don’t have a child or a member of the physically impaired community don’t feel bad.  The world is coming to an end,  the shit has hit the fan, chaos is killing dinosaurs, no one is thinking of the children anymore - you just don’t have time to be politically correct.  

Your group is now formed.

Step 2: Chose your soundtrack.

Every event in your life must be accompanied by a sound track and the Z.A is no exception. You don’t want a Canadian Ballad creeping in when you are doing something particularly bad-ass thus destroying your mojo so please people prepare your sound track.  Rock songs with heavy guitars should be used when being particularly bad-ass, and don’t forget something soothing for when the G.B.F.F.F dies as there will be plenty of tears.

Go wild with your soundtrack.  Anything Non-Canadian-Ballad goes…….C.B’s can creep into death scenes, sad montages, uplifting montages and they can even trick you by forming the main theme of you’re Z.A Orchestral Score and this is more terrifying that the Z.A itself.

If he is around get John Williams. If Danny Elfman shows feed him to the Zombies, or kill him yourself and frame a zombie….

It is also important to record your soundtrack on various formats.  The Z.A will last longer that a standard I-Pod battery and if the battery dies before you do then you are have taken your little rowing boat up shit creak and the F.P has eaten your oars, more bluntly put - you are screwed.  You must outlive your sound track.  

Add it to your I-Pod yes, but also take a few minutes and record it to C.D, if you find an old cassette tape then record it on there too as the big noisy car that you are going to steal towards the end of the Z.A wont have a C.D player.

Some people may want to put their sound track  onto a record.  How this can be done I do not know but if you find yourself holed up in a basement of someone’s father there is bound to be a record player and you may need to play your “trapped in a basement song”….Luck favours the musically prepared.

Step 3: Transport.

Let’s face it, if you do not have a Guy or an O.G in your group you are going to be driving a run -of- the-mill-every-man-car which is something you should only feel reasonably embarrassed about.  You are not Will Smith, you will not have a Ford G.T to scoot around New York in, embrace that fact and content yourself with the knowledge that you will be able to play Grand Theft Auto whilst the fuzz are busy trying to keep hysterical women calm.

If you are the driver of your group your survival is almost guaranteed but only if you can hotwire a car.  You need not know how to fill it with petrol, change a tyre or possess basic maintenance and repair skills as you are going to G.T.A your way to safety. 

Please note that you will have to G.T.A some real shit-heaps before you can get your Eleanor.  Patience is a virtue and your reward - the car of your dreams.  This point is pretty much null and void if you are in The Guys group.  He will already own and be driving the car of his dreams and as you are in his story you will always be a passenger.  

It is vital that your sound track contains enough car jacking songs, driving songs and that one song you can cry to when you crash your Eleanor into the side of the kerb, she waits until you are clear then bursts into flames.  This song needs to be more emotional than the G.B.F.F.F’s .

There is a clear cut correlation between awesome sound track and awesome car.

Step 4: Food

If you have a F.P in your group supplies will constantly be running low until he is violently maimed by Zombies.  The fuzz are still busy with the hysterical women so its ram-raiding season baybee.  Please note that the best cars for ram-raiding are the shit-heaps.  

Feel free to park in any disabled space you want or drive straight through the automated doors and take all the M&S Food that you can carry/your F.P can scoff.  

The F.P will traditionally stay away from low fat products so grab some Nutri-Grain Bars for the M.G and let Piggy feast on Doritos and Frosties.  

The F.P will avoid perishables such as fruit and veg (it will eat potatoes but only if they are deep fried!) but the down side is these will perish quickly.  The upside is you get to go ram-raiding again so everyone’s a winner babe.  

Until you make it to the new formed Utopia you will have to scavenge for food.  This is usually an exciting experience as Zombies tend to hang out in shopping malls.

Step 5: Destination

Even if you are not American the Z.A will take place in America as it is the only place on earth.   You will turn into an American and there you will live out the Z.A

There is only one destination.  Boston.

No-one ever comes from Boston but that is the location were everyone goes when something’s going down in the USA.  

You will not need a road map/sat-nav or celestial navigation skills as all humans are genetically programmed to know when/how/why to head to Boston.  

There are no excuses people, if you have read this you have the survival knowledge.  Now all you need is  plan, weapon of choice and a wicked name for your group but if the 5 Steps are in place the hard work is done…obviously.

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