Sunday, 4 July 2010


I have been sitting here staring at a blank screen for the past 20mins completely unsure as to how to start my review of Eclipse because I don’t don’t know how to begin and quite frankly I don’t know if I can even be bothered as no matter how much I bitch and moan about the state of the movie it will still make millions and I will still be there on opening night for the next one.

Bella and Edward spend all their free time in a meadow deeply in love. Edward is possessive. Edward wants marriage but Bella says no so that she can play the skanky tease for two hours. Jacob shows up sans upper clothing with the actor almost smug that he will be the only one with a career after the franchise ends. The ginger vampire from the first two movies shows up but recast and again everyone must protect Bella because all teen males seem to easily fall in love with her. Bella loves Edward. Bella loves Jacob. During the male bonding moment in a tent I thought Edward and Jacob were going to love one another. There is a reasonable fight scene. Edward kills Victoria. Bells chooses Edward (again) and breaks Jacobs heart (again). Edward and Bella go back to the meadow. Edward is possessive. Edward proposes. Rinse and repeat for the next movie. END PLOT

I will say this - Eclipse is a major improvement when compared to New Moon but this isn’t a compliment as New Moon was such a woeful movie the only direction the franchise could take was a positive one - it couldn’t get any worse although Eclipse gave it a good go.

I almost typed the plot meandered on but in reality it didn’t as there isn’t actually a plot. There are many many scenes focusing on a teen love triangle which just seems to go round and around without coming to any sort of conclusion. I think the lack of plot is highlighted by the fact that the two leads Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have absolutely no on screen chemistry and they don’t have enough charisma between them to fill a thimble. Whenever they are on screen together the movie dies a slow death. It has been said that whenever a photograph is taken it steals a piece of your soul. I have found that if these two actors engage with one another I can feel the life and spirit being sucked from me with a violent force.

There is an attempt to inject some humour but it fell flat as Robert Pattinson could not deliver a witty quip if his life was dependent upon it. There was a life sized cardboard cut out in the foyer for sale which had more life about it than the real Pattinson. Kristen Stewart appears as though it would physically pain her to be anything other than dour.

The third member of the love triangle is Dawson, sorry I mean Jacob played by Taylor Lautner. I feel sorry for the kid as he spent the entire movie walking around half naked in cut-off jeans trying desperately to resuscitate the movie almost single handily after an "intimate" Bella/Edward moment. He will do well from the franchise and hopefully in twenty years time he will treat it in the same manner in which Harrison Ford treats the Star Wars Christmas Special.

The only positive aspect of Eclipse is that the Cullen’s got much more screen time. In previous movies they mostly hung around in the background but in Eclipse we got longer scenes with actual dialogue from a few of the Cullen’s who just previously scowled as and when required. The movie perked up whenever they were on screen and the two flashbacks were well executed and definitely would have formed the basis of a more entertaining vampire series.

I found myself in that weird situation where I was looking straight past the Bella/Edward snore fest and was eagerly awaiting the secondary cast reappearing. Billy Burke plays Charlie Bella’s dad very well but even he got tangled up in Kristen Stewart's soul destroying dryness (I love dry actors but for the love of god she is the Sahara of acting) and during the “comedy” (and I use the word loosely) father/daughter sex talk Charlie was making a sandwich and I found myself getting more and more caught up in its filling than the dialogue.

My mind wandered so much at times I kept going back to that moment and thinking what the hell kind of sandwich the man was making. I had to make my own fun in this movie as the cast and director forgot to supply it. It didn’t help that I skipped lunch.

For the amount of money this movie will make it really did skimp on the budget as the effects were poor and they still haven’t managed to make the werewolves look real or at the very least blend in with the movie and the sparkling still looks ridiculous.

As cheap as the effects looked the action was ramped up quite a bit in Eclipse and it really helped as it broke up the tedious teen drama. I love a good training montage and Eclipses own version starred the Cullen’s and was the best moment in the entire movie, although there are few nominations for this particular accolade.

My Sazzy has seen the movie twice already and it is just advanced preview weekend - the movie hasn’t actually been released yet and I know that today is the second of many viewings for her.

The problem is I just don’t get it. I don’t get the hype. I don’t get this whole Team Edward/Team Jacob bullshit as quite frankly I would not have neither and I couldn’t love Bella if I gave birth to her. I don’t get why the lead female character is such a doormat. I just DON’T GET IT.

Due to my clear inability to NOT GET IT I probably should claim some fault for my dislike but why the hell should I? The only thing the Twilight movies have got correct is that they have transferred awful source material to the big screen in equally awful fashion. It is so bad it is anger inducing. On the Chris Evans Guilty Pleasure Scale it doesn’t even rate, hell Chris Evans couldn’t even save the movie.

I thought that by not having read this particular novel (I just couldn’t face it) it would help sustain my interest but it didn’t.

Eclipse will keep me awake at night due to my ability to GET IT but Stephanie Meyers ability to turn total garbage into a world wide phenomenon gives great comfort to a less than average writer hoping to turn her own brand of total garbage into a world wide phenomenon.

Eclipse gets 3.5/10. Lets not speak of it ever again.

Eclipse sucked harder than a recovering alcoholic trying to get an booze fix by eating a wine gum.

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