Sunday, 13 February 2011

Would you survie the Zombie Apocalypse?

There are movies out there, all of which set in different countries, locations, time periods but they all have one important message - Zombies Kill. Zombies are created by chance - an experiment gone wrong, nuclear warfare, dodgy medication or quite simply that last living zombie you thought you had killed just before the happy-ever-after montage started wasn’t completely “Dead” and started the whole pandemic up again…..So if you haven’t got the basics covered then quite frankly you only have yourself to blame.

Learn from the movies people, even by watching Shaun of the Dead you can learn how to survive. If you wont watch it for entertainment then watch it to live you owe yourself that much.

There are five short and easy steps that should be adhered to in order to increase the likelihood of surviving the inconvenience of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Step 1: Chose you rallies
Every living person needs a group of friends to ride out the Zombie Apocalypse with. If you are a Loner then give up now as let’s face it if you do survive who are you going to celebrate with? If you have over 10,000 twitter followers or a phone full of contact numbers of people you went to high school with 10 frickin’ years ago then it means that you are simply desperate to be popular and have some low-self esteem issues. In the real world, you know the one with the Zombie Apocalypse, it means jack-shit.

You need a group of about six people and as Cliché Dictates/God Commands it.

They should be roughly the following:

The Guy:
Average age 20-30 with looks ranging from “reasonably attractive” to “oh shit I’ve just lost a chuck of my calf muscle as I was staring at the incredibly hot man and I am 100% heterosexual…honestly”. The Guy is usually in the form of a clean cut rich white boy with perfect teeth. He will be wearing a sweater that subtly hints at some serious muscle underneath.

The Guy’s Gorgeous Girl:
The Guy of the group must have a Gorgeous Girl as he needs to save someone in a heroic manly fashion and lets face it with that body and those teeth he isn’t going to rescue an Ugly Betty.

The Ugly Betty:
The Gorgeous Girls best friend. The Sarah Jessica Parker to the Sarah Michelle Gellar. In real life 97% of woman will fulfil this role.

Chances of survival are quite high until you are trapped with the Gorgeous Girl and you both need to be saved. The Ugly Betty will be used as bait so that The Guy can get the Gorgeous Girl to safety. They will watch Betty's painful death from a safe spot located nearby but quite frankly if The Ugly Betty couldn’t see the safe spot for herself then she deserves all she gets.

Please note you can substitute the Ugly Betty with Lesbian as the outcome will be the same.

The Guys Best Fuckin Friend Forever:
The Guys one true love who is destined to die. The Guy will cry thereby increasing his level of prettiness and his chances of survival.

The Nerd:
Every group needs a nerd. That one token brain box whose sole purpose for existing is to make the rest of the gang look super cool.

Loners mentioned above please take heart from this as you can become a valuable asset to another group. The Loner will die of course and but let‘s face it - it‘s better to die a bit player in someone else’s story than being the star player in your own - let’s try and keep this thing realistic.

Adopt a Nerd and save a life - your own

The Comedian:
The Comedian will undoubtedly get the wittiest one liners in his bid to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and people will be quoting him like they quote the latest shitty Seth Rogen Comedy but he will die and in an ironic twist of fate he will just have to live with that.

Try to avoid having Seth Rogen in your group as he will become The Best Fuckin' Friend Forever, The Fat Person and The Comedian thereby reducing your numbers and increasing your chances of a stressful and graphic death.

Fuckin' Seth Rogen.

The Backup Group
The aforementioned six is a typical group that will organically form to ride out the zombie pandemic but if you cannot form this type of group, for example, neither my three chosen Apocalypse Pals nor myself fall into any of the criteria above but there are steps you can take to beef up you group i.e. recruit extras to your squad solely for the purpose of letting them be killed off. It’s dirty but fuck it. There are no rules in war.

The Obnoxious Guy:
Let’s face it everyone knows an Obnoxious Bastard, you know the kind, always leaving the toilet seat up, laughs at Jack Black Jokes, honks his horn in traffic (he will usually be driving a phallic shaped car) and such like. No one who laughs at Jack Black Jokes can survive and join the New World Order so he has to go. It should be pointed out that Jack Black will not survive either….There may be a Zombie Apocalypse but every cloud has a silver lining.

The “Let’s Be Friends Hippy”:
This is some flower power 60’s reject who is all about love and peace. The Hippy will be dispensed of as he will no doubt try to communicate with the zombie in order to make friends. This act of LSD induced stupidity will occur when you are trapped giving you and your friends aka the Main Group a chance to get the fuck outa dodge.

No caption could ever make this picture any more awesome

The Slut:
The Slut is a bit player in any story, hogging all the sex scenes for herself and wearing ridiculous shoes. The Slut will no doubt be named after something French. The one fact that never gets any less enjoyable is that no matter who The Slut is - the more graphic the sex scene = the more graphic the death scene.

Beware of - The Reformed Slut.
They are dangerous as every once in a while a Lindsay Lohan will repent the error of her ways and will rise from the ashes like the god damn Phoenix. As inspirationally tear jerking this occurrence is, don't let this happen in your Zombie Apocalypse story. The more good deeds the Reformed Slut carriers out the longer she lives thereby decreasing your own life expectancy.

If you have smokes, whiskey or 8gms of crack - share them with The Reformed Slut. Share them quickly.

The Fat Person:
Arguably this could merge the Ugly Betty or Ugly Bertie but it never hurts to have a Fat Person with you. He will take up most of the back seat in the mini van you have stolen, he will eat into the already depleting food supply and will have the added inconvenience of being ugly but the Fat Person will die thereby causing you to live.

It’s the Zombie Apocalypse and sacrifices have to be made.

Also, depending on how long said Zombie Apocalypse lasts you might need food for the winter. As the inconsiderate fat fuck has eaten all the cans of beans and peas (which were the only cans in your house) you can extract your revenge by eating the Fat Person thereby completing the Circle of Life that Elton John bleats on and on about.

Please note that the XXXL tee-shirt can provide shelter and various garments for those who have survived him, namely you and the Main Group.

Let’s be honest with a Fat Person on your team you will never need to out run a horde of massing zombies - as long as you can out waddle the fat fuck all will be fine and dandy.

Fat People/Fat Zombies it matters not - all vegetables will be safe

The Old Person:
Old People make for a handy decoy/sacrifice. As most relatives don’t bother visiting an Old Person in the retirement home when all is well with the world chances of them mounting a daring rescue of an Old Person are slim. You can rest assured that there will be plenty of expendable Old Person’s floating around. They die quickly but they are large in number and can therefore be easily replenished.

If your group is not particularly ethnically diverse, for example, you don’t have a foreign exchange student, a child or a member of the physically impaired community don’t feel bad. The world is coming to an end, the shit has hit the fan, chaos is killing dinosaurs darling, no one is thinking of the children any more - you just don’t have time to be politically correct.

Your group is now formed.

Step 2: Chose your soundtrack.
Every event in your life must be accompanied by a sound track and the Zombie Apocalypse is no exception. You don’t want a Canadian Ballad creeping in when you are doing something particularly bad-ass thus destroying your mojo so please people prepare your soundtrack.

Rock songs with heavy guitars should be used when being particularly bad-ass, and don’t forget something soothing for when the Guys Best Fuckin’ Friend Forever dies as there will be plenty of tears.

Go wild with your soundtrack. Anything Non-Canadian-Ballad goes…….BEWARE Canadian Ballard’s can creep into death scenes, sad montages, uplifting montages and they can even trick you by forming the main theme of you’re Zombie Apocalypse Orchestral Score and this is more terrifying that the Zombie Apocalypse itself.

It is also important to record your soundtrack on various formats. The Zombie Apocalypse will last longer that a standard I-Pod battery. If the battery dies before you do then you will have steered your little rowing boat up shit creak and the Fat Person will have eaten your oars, more bluntly put - you are screwed. You must outlive your soundtrack.

Add the soundtrack to your I-Pod yes, but also take a few minutes and record it to C.D, if you find an old cassette tape then record it on there too as the big American Muscle Car that you are going to steal towards the end of the Zombie Apocalypse wont have a C.D player.

Some people may want to put their soundtrack onto a record. How this can be done I do not know but if you find yourself holed up in a basement of someone’s father there is bound to be an old dusty record player lying around in there somewhere and you may need to play your “trapped in a basement song”….............Luck favours the musically prepared.

Shoot to kill. Don't let it see your fear.

Step 3: Transport.
Let’s face it, if you do not have a Guy or an Obnoxious Guy in your group you are going to be driving a run -of- the-mill-every-man-car which is something you should only feel reasonably embarrassed about. You are not Will Smith, you will not have a Ford G.T to scoot around New York in, embrace that fact and content yourself with the knowledge that you will be able to play Grand Theft Auto whilst the fuzz are busy trying to keep hysterical women calm.

If you are the driver of your group your survival is almost guaranteed but only if you can hot-wire a car. You need not know how to fill it with petrol, change a tyre or possess basic maintenance and repair skills as you are going to Grand Theft Auto your way to safety.

Please note that you will have to Grand Theft Auto some real shit-heaps before you can get your Eleanor. Patience is a virtue and your reward - the car of your dreams. This point is pretty much null and void if you are a member of The Guys group. The Guy will already own and be driving the car of his dreams and as you are in his story you will always be a passenger.

It is vital that your soundtrack contains enough car jacking songs, driving songs and that one song you can cry to when you crash your Eleanor into the side of the kerb and it bursts into spontaneous flames just as you reach a distance safe enough to avoid death by fireball. This song needs to be more emotional than the song played at the death of The Guys Best Fuckin’ Friend Forever.

There is a clear cut correlation between awesome soundtrack and awesome car.

Step 4: Food
If you have a Fat Person in your group supplies will constantly be running low until he is violently maimed by Zombies. The fuzz are still busy with the hysterical women so its ram-raiding season. Please note that the best cars for ram-raiding are the shit-heaps.

Feel free to park in any handicapped space you want or drive straight through the automated doors and take all the canned food that you can carry/your Fat Person can scoff.

The Fat Person will traditionally stay away from low fat products so grab some Nutri-Grain Bars for the Main Group and let Piggy feast on Doritos and Frosted cereals.

The Fat Person will avoid perishables such as fruit and veg (they have been known to eat potatoes but only if they are deep fried!) but the down side is these will perish quickly. The upside is you get to go ram-raiding again so everyone’s a winner babe.

Until you make it to the new formed Utopia you will have to scavenge for food. This is usually an exciting experience as Zombies tend to hang out in shopping malls.

Step 5: Destination
Even if you are not American the Zombie Apocalypse will take place in America as it is the only place on earth. You will turn into an American and there you will try to out live the end of the world.

There is only one destination. Boston.

No one ever comes from Boston but this is the location were everyone goes when something is going down in the USA.

You will not need a road map/sat-nav or celestial navigational skills as all humans are genetically programmed to know when/how/why to head to Boston.

Boston -disaster free since Jack Nicholson's god awful performance in The Departed

There are no excuses people, if you have read this you have the survival knowledge. Now all you need is a plan, weapon of choice and a wicked name for your group but if the 5 Steps are in place the hard work is done…obviously.

Once you get to Boston all will be well for a period of time ranging between 28 weeks to six months. Proceedings will thereafter start to get tricky. It’s sequel time and that’s a brand new set of rules……………

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