I haven’t written one of these blogs since the great Myspace evacuation of late 2010. The combination of having nothing to say coupled with the most non-committal attitude towards pretty much everything excepting of course the intake of oxygen has its downsides.
To recap since my last non movie related blog:
Still working in the same job
Still at home
Still under the delusion that I will make it as a writer without actually writing anything down.
The sudden urge to blog about me ties in with my yearly trip to get my tarot cards and ruin stones read on Saturday. The first time I got them read was a year to the day after my father died and it was quite an emotional experience so it became a tradition although we are a good couple of months away from that particular anniversary.
Every year it is a pleasant experience and to be honest it's always nice to hear that you are on the right path with all the hard work paying off etc etc etc. This year it was different as Saturday was the most negative reading I have ever had and I am finding it difficult to just brush off what my reader told me.
I went in and sat down at the table as per the norm and my reader sat down beside me. She announced that she always watches her clients as they enter and sit down just to see what aura or impression they subconsciously give off. This was the first time she had done this with me.
I have a triangle tightly wrapped around me which indicated to her that I am very territorial and give off the impression that I believe my space is mine and mine alone. This isn’t negative but rather I am content in and have complete control over my own space and heaven help any uninvited guest. She told me my GRR factor was positive and I need to keep it up. I have a very good level of selfish control and I should be proud of this!
The reading started off with my ruin stones and although there were positives they were built upon a negative undertone.
One of the ruin stones told me that by May 28th (the end of that particular cycle) I will have spoken my truth and the other two stones told me I would have the complete support of my most important friends and family when I do so. This was grand nothing overly alarming there.
When it came to my cards I knew things were going to go wrong when my first card was The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man is a man hanging by a tree by a hook. When the hook is cut the card is turned upside down and the man is no longer hanging but is standing in the sun.
Right from the off my reader told me there is something in my life with is holding me back.
The next couple were some I had got before - the Wheel of Fortune (in the good sense - demons at the bottom and the sun at the top) and a King on his Throne (in charge of my surroundings) Things were taking a positive turn then is all went wrong.
The card for myself at present was a the number 9 fear card - ten is the highest in each section of the pack. It is quite a negative looking card - a blindfolded woman shrouded in a pink cloak surrounded by nine swords.
We didn’t dwell on this until the next card was shown which represented my immediate future and low and behold we got the number 4 fear card, This one consisted in a dead man laid to rest on a bed covered again in a pink shroud. This time three of the swords were on the wall with only one lying on the bed.
We then stopped the reading completely and went over everything in greater detail.
Pink in this particular deck of cards represents people and my readers gut instinct was that the people in my case were family but this was based on nothing more than her gut feeling (the other options were friends, lovers and co-workers)
The fact that my fear went from 9 to 4 is a good thing. The fact that there were three swords on the wall meant that I have dealt with hard times before and succeeded so there is no reason to doubt that the fourth sword will soon be placed on the wall and I can rest in peace.
My reader tied this in with speaking my truth by May 28th and she didn’t hold back in her assessment.
Basically she believes that I am being held back by my family and in particular this one member who, whether it be on purpose or subconsciously, goes out of their way to belittle me and make me feel worthless to the extent that I have lost all my confidence and ability to move on in life and push myself forward.
By May 28th the chances are quite high that if I speak my truth I will be telling someone to fuck off out of my life.
This freaked me out as family and friends have always been such a black and white issue for me. I am close to my family and I am close to my friends. The family I don’t particularly see or have many, if any, dealings with I don’t consider family - they are relations and distant ones at that.
Don't get me wrong I come from a big Irish family and I spend quite a lot of time with them but those on the outside of my life are very much on the outside.
It is the same with friends. I have friends, of course I do, but they are friends who I love, spend time with and would do anything for. I don’t have acquaintances. The numbers contained in my phone are limited but they are all used.
We decided to pull my final card just to see how things would pan out. The final card is my future based within the next couple of months ie by the end of the summer.
The final card was the ten of chalices. It was a really pretty card with ten chalices (cups) all running through a rainbow. There was a calm river with people holding hands beside it. It is pretty much the most positive card you can get in the deck.
In order for me to achieve full happiness by the end of the summer I have to speak my truth and weed out that one person in my life who is holding me back. If things continue as they are my life will remain stationary.
It could be as simple as that crabby old aunt who constantly asks “why are you not married yet?” (my readers words and not mine). If I cut off all family members who asked about potential boyfriends I would have no family left!!
My friends pointed out that the day before my reading I had a major facebook cull and deleted over half the people I am friends with - gone are the people I went to school with and haven‘t seen since I was eighteen. I wouldn’t stop to chat to them in the street so I really don’t care to read about how much they drank on any particular Wednesday night.
I was tempted to blame my dad which would have got me out of a hole (aka used it as an excuse) but my reader was adamant that this is a living person in my life at present so my Wee Tam is off the hook this time around.
The most negative person in my life is my damn cat although our house wouldn’t be the same with a daily Karina vs. Mika battle. I floated the idea of the cat being the source of all my problems to the mother and the brother. They agreed with me but made it clear that the cat was going nowhere. There is a hierarchy in our house and the cat is at the top of it ;-)
I will admit that I did sit and think about my family and who my mystery putter downer is but I have no idea. My reader told me that when it hits me it will hit me in the most obvious way.
I am not known amongst my family for keeping quiet. If I have something to say I say it and if I disagree with them I let my feelings show. It is true that my family know what buttons to push but they also know what reaction to expect.
The only person holding me back is me. I knew that before I went into my reading and I know it now. I cannot allow myself to take that out on the next family member who asks about my non existent boyfriend in an attempt to make myself feel better.
My reader is moving to the South of France in September so this was our last reading together. She will do it online via email but I wouldn’t have availed of this option regardless of Saturdays reading.
I didn’t come away from this particular reading feeling content, relaxed and emotional in a good way. I came away from it feeling suspicious of my family and friends and upset at the notion that someone I love is setting out to hurt me.
This was my last reading. It isn’t my readers fault - she can only describe the cards which are in front of her. Perhaps it is more offensive to her that I enjoyed it when it was fun and was being told what I wanted to hear but as soon as it took a slightly negative turn I have bailed but I don’t care - I would rather bail as I have seen this reading as nothing other than an excuse to blame someone else for my failings.
This post is long but my blog is called Mundane Rambling for a reason. If the shit hits the fan on May 28th I will let you all know.