Sunday, 3 July 2011

Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon

It is easy to list the faults in Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon (herein referred to as T3) but the trick is to do it without coming across as an obnoxious and pretentious prick who bangs on about character development and lack of plot.  I knew exactly what to expect as I entered the cinema so to write a blog of this nature would make me look like an idiot…......saying that I will have a bloody good go at it.

PLOT:  After Neil Armstrong made his giant leap for mankind he ran around to the dark side of the moon with Buzz in tow to examine an alien ship.  It turns out that Sentinel Prime had escaped Cybertron just as the Autobots lost the war and crashed landed on the moon.  Sentinel lies there all dusty and alone as the Decepticons wait forty years before deciding to trick the Autobots into reviving him in order to use his teleportation technology to bring all the Decpticons to earth. 
The Decepticons, the devious buggers, also trick the stupid humans into forcing the Autobots to leave earth and all hell breaks loose.
Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is now unemployed and sponging off his ridiculously beautiful new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) - this has no real relevance to anything but apparently a Transformers film cannot be made without Sam so he must be shoehorned into the film regardless of the cost. 
The Decepticons reek havoc on downtown Chicago. Explosion. Shot of Rose Huntington-Whiteley’s curves. The Autobots arrive just in the nick of time.  Explosion. Shot of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s breasts.  The Decepticons are defeated.  Shot of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley looking bemused.  Optimus Prime monologues about peace and tranquillity which will only last until Trans4mers.  END PLOT

The plot of T3 tries to tie itself into actual events and using the moon landing was a clever idea.  The story of Transformer films has never been the problem - the problem is the cast has always been much too large.

The character of Sam was necessary in the first film but after that he was surplus to requirements and you can tell there is absolutely nothing left for him to do in the series.  The first 1/3 of the film is essentially a different film altogether with Sam’s employment issues and resentment towards his much more successful girlfriend.  Sam is a dick for the first hour of the movie, who regresses into a whinny little bitch, turns into a terrified screamer and yet still ends up being the hero. I hate him.
Shia LaBeouf’s career is a mystery to me as he is devoid of looks, charm, charisma, basic acting ability and he is also short which is offensive in itself.  LaBeouf is a Maniston (for those of you who don’t live inside my brain this means he is a male Jennifer Aniston aka someone I despise.  This is the greatest insult I will ever place upon a person)

The fact that Rosie Huntingon-Whiteley had no lines in the trailer did not go unnoticed however she is no worse than Megan Fox and she is not required to do anything other than stand around a look pretty.  I will not be jumping on the bandwagon of hate which has been circling around her performance.

The cameos from John Malkovich, Ken Jeong, Sam’s parents and even the wonderful Alan Tudyk served no purpose and if their scenes were cut from the final product it would have made no difference whatsoever.    
I was so bored during the first hour I actually uttered the phrase “I miss Tyrese Gibson”.  There was much rejoicing when the slow-mo helicopters arrived signifying the start of the action and Gibson and Josh Duhamel finally got to BRING IT!.  Sometimes I just want to watch attractive soldiers blow shit up - the one thing Michael Bay is actually good and we had to wait a lifetime to see it.
Attractive men. Guns. Explosions. How Michael Bay Fucks it all up I will never know

The action (when it came) was impressive - the section in the collapsing building was quite the spectacle and although not Bay’s most impressive freeway chase to date it did suck me in.

A Transformers film wouldn’t be complete without Bumblebee’s life being in danger - let’s face it three movies in and he is the only character worth caring about and Bay played with our heartstrings in this regard yet again.
If only the eyes of the human cast would convey as much emotion as a CGI robot

The action with each Transformers film gets bigger and nosier but it doesn’t necessarily get better - the soldiers didn’t even get to BRING THE RAIN! this time around.  There was too much robot on robot action and not enough shots of Duhamel looking stressed and Gibson screaming BRING IT!

The running time also increases with each instalment yet the Autobots screen time gets considerably reduced - Bumblebee is reduced to a Cameo Camaro and we get lumbered with a couple of tiny bickering “comedy” bots. 

The Decepticons fare no better and Megatron continues to be one of the most useless villains in cinematic history.  We are introduced to Megatron driving through the African desert and once he changes into robot mode we see that this time around he has accessorised with a lovely flowing cape.  This comment serves about as much purpose as most of the cast but it caught my eye and the impracticalities of said cape wouldn't leave my train of thought.

There was a random shot of animals grazing whilst Megatron was safarying but the way the scene was edited it looked as though Megatron was asking a herd of elephants to pledge allegiance to him until the camera panned around and Starscream was inexplicably standing directly behind him.  I think that the Decepticon/elephant alliance may have made a more interesting film. 
I have a real soft spot for the first Transformers as it has action, comedy (the Autobots in stealth mode in Sam’s garden still amuses me) and the Autobots get enough screen time to allow the audience to fall in love with them - when all is said and done it is a brilliant summer film. 

With sequels everything has to be bigger and louder and on paper Michael Bay, the BRINGER! of BAYHEM!, should excel at this but he just isn’t capable as his vision is so limited.

T3 will make so much money it is only a matter of time before the next film gets the green light.  There is no point in film critics getting on their high horses as Michael Bay will just blow them up - another instalment is coming.

T3 bulldozes it’s way to a 6/10.  It a vast improvement on the second film but it is in desperate need of a new director at the helm and a major cast cull to freshen up the franchise - just pray that Brett Ratner is unavailable. 

I think that on the scale of obnoxious pricks I do come across as having moderate levels of dickery and illiteracy. 


  1. With you all the way on LeBeouf. I was horified at the job interview scenes. Honestly even though this is only a movie his nonsense made me grit my teeth as I felt like grabbing the turkey and giving him a couple of slaps and tel him to grow up!! His career has gone no-where and I think in T3 his acting skills have actually gone backwards!
    Whitely is an improvenment on fox but she really is no more than eye candy and the opening shot up her bum said it all!
    Definite improvenment over the second but Bay needs to go I'm afarid. And yeah a change of cast wouldn't go astray either. But overall I didn't hate this and got what I expected but it is a wory when a bunch of animated robots outsign their human counterparts in the acting stakes. For me the acting was the worst thing about the whole movie as it was visually stunning.!!

  2. "I was so bored during the first hour I actually uttered the phrase “I miss Tyrese Gibson”." - LOL : ))). Like your review very much Karina - thanks for sharing!

  3. Sounds like we are pretty much on the same page here K. The first half was painfully unentertaining, I just wanted it to get to it already! I didn't have much issue with the excessive bot on bot action because TF fanboys have been screaming for that for a while. I enjoyed the 2nd half a lot more than I should have, wouldn't mind seeing another director take the reigns or at the very least a Robotech film someday, my other childhood cartoon love.

  4. Brent: I didn't realise how much I disliked LeBeouf until I watched this film. He is definitely on the shit-list now.

    It was visually stunning but with all the robot v robot action the cast got lost. I watched the first Transformers when I was writing my blog and I forgot how good the battle with the scorpion in the dessert with Lennox and Epps was.

    The building collapse sequence did look amazing though.

    I actually really like the sound of the Transformers transforming too!

    I hope there is another one but reboot the franchise with a fresh cast and new director and I will be happy!

  5. Kriti - thanks for reading!

    There were some boring moments in the film but once the action (finally) kicked in I got into the film more

  6. Daniel: I didn't think I would mind the robot v robot action as normally the nosier some action sequences are the better but this time around it didn't work for me! I did love the building collapse sequence.....

    Fingers crossed for a reboot and fresh director!

    I am lucky my childhood cartoon was X-Men and it has been made, destroyed and rebooted all in a short space of time :-D


    Thank you to everyone who bothered to read this god awfully long and ranting blog - even by my standards it was a tough read.....

    Also thank you for not acknowledging that I even got the name of the film wrong several times but I am not fixing it as I think *my* version sounds better!