Saturday, 24 September 2011


There are films you go to see just because of your love of the cinema and not because you are looking for the next *insert expected intelligent film here*.  Colombiana fits the mould perfectly as a handy midweeker.

PLOT:  Cataleya (Zoe Saldana) watches Don Luis (Beto Benites) kill her parents.  Cataleya escapes to America, drops her accent and announces to her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) that she wants to become a killer.  Cataleya kills people she deems to be evil in order to draw out Don Luis.  NIPPLES!! Lennie James rocks up as an FBI agent who refuses to believe that a woman could actually be a badass killer.  Cataleya is sleeping with Danny (Michael Vartan) although this adds absolutely nothing to the film. NIPPLES!!.Cataleya kills Don Luis.   END PLOT

The plot is not original in any way, shape or form as it follows the same old vengeance beats that one would expect. 

Zoe Saldana is a very capable lead and she manages to add a touch of classy grace to her action moments.  The fact that she is the worst crier in Hollywood is rendered pointless as she is smokin’ hot!

The rest of the cast are fine but are nothing more than generic cardboard cut outs.

The action is standard, for example, I don’t think it is possible to have a film set in South America without a dramatic “free running” through the shanty town set piece. If you want to impress me have the scene take place up hill as even I can make running downhill look dramatic.......

This is a short review as there is actually nothing to say about the film.  With Colombiana you get exactly what you expect – a fairly decent if uninspiring 90min action flick.  It gets 6/10.

** Kudos for me for not dedicating bitchy paragraphs to the fact that Zoe Saldana’s nipples were in every single scene of the film**


  1. Zoe Saldana’s nipples thank you for not pointing them out....

    Sounds like a video pick up for me, mindless but watchable.

  2. Mindless but watchable sums it up perfectly.

    I found myself on constant nipple watch - once it was noticed my eye line was ruined. I think I regressed to a 12 year old boy during the film ;-)

    It is worth a look on dvd though