Haywire

Michael Fassbender featured heavily in the trailer for Haywire in which he was unceremoniously beaten, strangled and thrown into a bath.  An explanation was required for the shocking treatment of Fassbender by some random butch chick.  This is the sole reason Haywire was on my radar. 

PLOT:  Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) an employee of a nameless and non-government funded spy agency is doubled-crossed by Kenneth, (Ewan McGregor) Rodrigo, (Antonia Banderas) Coblenz, (Michael Douglas) Aaron (Channing Tatum) and Paul (Michael Fassbender).  Mallory reacts to being set up by kicking forty shades of green out of Paul in a Dublin hotel and thereafter travels back to America to hunt down the most evil Kenneth in history to get some answers.  END PLOT

Haywire may be advertised as an intelligent thriller with the female equivalent of Jason Bourne in the lead role but it is just another “I’ve been double-crossed and I must know why” tale and offers absolutely nothing new to the genre.  The film ended two hours ago and I still haven’t been able to figure out the exact reason why Kenneth wanted Mallory dead.  I know it is because of Barcelona and isn’t because she dumped him…...…

Gina Carano is hot, feisty and I honestly believe she could kill me with one finger however in the acting world she is essentially the bastard love child of that unstoppable juggernaut Michael Myers and Angelina Jolie.

Carano is not a natural actress and relied heavily on the fact that she is a complete kicker of asses to carry her through the film.  It is refreshing to have a female action star who you believe could throw a punch without shattering her own skinny elbow so fingers crossed Carano partakes in a few acting lessons before her next film.

Ewan McGregor appears to be sacrificing his natural charm in favour of pronouncing each and every syllable in an obviously fake American accent and I do like Channing Tatum although if pressed I wont be able to remember why. 

The rest ensemble cast is made up of respectable names such as Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas and the always impressive Michael Fassbender.

Haywire does star an enviable list of actors but the entire cast roll through proceedings looking constantly bewildered.  It’s as though they signed up to take part in an action thriller and seem extremely confused by the lack of thrilling action.   

This is perhaps a harsh summary as the fight between Carano and Fassbender is the best section of the entire film.  Their fight looked fantastic and was exceptionally well choreographed.  The real problem is it occurred during the first third of the film.  This meant that all fist fights which took place afterwards couldn't even match it let alone top it. 

In Haywire no one uses a gun except Kenneth as he is the worlds most evil Kenneth.

I appreciate that Haywire was never intended to be a loud and in your face but everything was almost too understated for its own good. 

There was a scene towards the end of the film in which Douglas and Carano were conversing in an aeroplane hanger and as my mind began to wander I noticed tumbleweed blowing across the runway in the back of the shot.  This moment summed up my feelings for the film.

Haywire is a very slick and at times gritty thriller but at the end of the day I was bored out of my skull.  It gets a 6/10.