Jupiter Ascending

 

It’s confession time random spam bots – I absolutely hate The Matrix.  I just don’t get it.  My complete lack of interest in the adventures of Neo means that I have absolutely no love for the Wachowski’s.  The trailer for Jupiter Ascending suggested the film would be nothing more than high budget blandness but it doesn’t feel like a proper Saturday if I am not in the cinema… so I went....and let the listings times decide my viewing.

PLOT:  During a routine identity theft/egg donating caper Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is attacked by a group of aliens circa Men in Black and is saved by Caine (Channing Tatum) a genetically modified wolf-man with a dyed blond goatee and jet-powered gravity boots.  Jupiter discovers that she is the reincarnation of the previously murdered owner of earth and must protect the planet from her… erm….space children…who…erm….want to marry her…or erm... kill her for a second time....to get their inheritance…I think.  END PLOT

I consider myself to have, at the very least, basic levels of human intelligence but Jupiter Ascending has defeated me.  I am all for science fiction and jaunts to outer space but Jupiter Ascending is so bloated with space debris I will never be able to fully comprehend what I endured for two long hours.  The plot is such an incomprehensible mess I was crying out for some clunky exposition to tell me what in the actual fuck was happening.  

The only person who knew less about what was happening than me was Mila Kunis. The only difference was she got paid for the experience whereas I paid.  I almost feel sorry for Kunis that her big leading role was a complete dud although she did wear some ridiculous space dresses like a pro so at least that’s something.

It was kind of the Wachowski’s to have Channing Tatum topless for the vast majority of the film but it wasn’t the same without Tatum’s usual easy going charm.  Tatum wasn’t the worst thing in Jupiter Ascending as that accolade goes to Eddie Redmayne.  Redmayne whispered his way through the film like an old man dying from bronchitis in what will be one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious performances of the year.  The only people who will be praising Eddie Redmayne are his fellow Best Actor nominees.

Tatum gets marks for pulling off the "Jax Teller in drag" look

 

Despite having a big budget the action consisted of a chase scene through the suspiciously empty streets of Chicago and a space battle in which Jupiter spent most of her time running around in circles while being startled by small bursts of fire.  The lazy action was accompanied by a score that was so intrusive I think I may have wronged the entire brass section in another life.  There was nothing in Jupiter Ascending that flowed with any real cohesion. 

 

Jupiter Ascending is a bloated mess with no redeeming qualities.  It didn’t even have the good grace to fall into the “it’s so bad it’s good” category.  Jupiter Ascending gets 1/10.  The one represents my loyalty to Channing Tatum.