Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Summer season is here and that can only mean one thing - yet another unnecessary Pirates of the Caribbean film.

I hold the first POTC in high regard as it is a really fun swashbuckler. It’s okay that the inevitable sequel followed but by the third over-long, bloated and self satisfied sequel came I was more than done with this franchise. The theme in Hollywood at the minute is the reboot and POTC has jumped on this bandwagon and dropped the “gangs-all-here-itis” disease that it has suffered from since the first instalment, got rid of the deadwood and come back with its latest offering Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

PLOT: Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) knows where the Fountain of Youth is and gets tricked onto Blackbeard’s (Ian McShane) ship by ex-girlfriend Angelica (Penelope Cruz) and forced to lead them to the fountain. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) chases them down posing as a King’s Privateer hell bent on getting revenge on Blackbeard for the loss of his leg and for stealing the Black Pearl, a ship in which Barbossa has himself stolen from Jack Sparrow on several occasions. There is an unrequited love story even blander than the Will/Elizabeth saga. There are mermaids who don’t get enough screen time. The badass and underused Spanish show up to renounce Pagan Fountains. I like to think that the mermaid drowned the cleric. Proceedings have a sense of deja vu about them. I still despise Johnny Depp. END PLOT

POTC recycles plots to almost criminal levels of self-plagiarism - swap Aztec gold with Fountain of Youth, the Royal Navy with Spanish Armada and Will/Elizabeth with Philip/Serena and we have a new movie. As with the third instalment this film is far too long and filled with too many Johnny Depp scenes.

The entire London section should have been cut as it added nothing to the film. There were quicker ways to get the film started and any time spent in Tortuga is always welcome fun.

There is a fine line between homage and rehash and the battle in the blacksmiths was very much an unwelcome rehash.

Johnny Depp once again has far too much screen time as Jack Sparrow. In Curse of the Black Pearl he is not the lead character - he is supporting cast and the film works so much better with lesser amounts of Sparrows own drunken brand of comic relief.

Every time Johnny Depp rocks up with his latest quirky character I roll out my “if all his performances are quirky and original then none of them are” phrase. I don't get the hype over Johnny Depp.

Depp portrayed Jack as a drunken cockney idiot whereas Geoffrey Rush is clearly enjoying himself playing a full on pirate complete with appropriate levels of RRRRR. I love the character of Barbossa as much as I dislike Jack.

When you look at Barbossa and the things his character has achieved in the POTC saga it shows that we are following story of the wrong character:

The life and times of Hector Barbossa:
1) Successfully leads a mutiny on the Black Pearl
2) Locates a casket of Aztec gold and fritters it away on whores and booze in what one can assume is a right old laugh
3) On the discovery that he can no longer feel, taste or die he embarks on another epic journey to locate each piece of Aztec gold and return it to the casket from whence it came.
4) He died (we all have off days) but was also brought back to life again in time for the 3rd film. One can only assume the afterlife was a right old laugh complete with whorish ghouls and the devils ale.
5) I am sure he did something memorable in At Worlds End but I refuse to acknowledge the film exists
6) He loses the Black Pearl in an epic battle at sea with Blackbeard
7) Saws off his own leg with a sword.
8) Gets back onto dry land after the self amputation despite the life threatening amounts of blood loss
9) Wheedled his way into the Kings Court and is trusted enough by said King to captain a ship and find the Fountain of Youth
10) Is currently vacationing in Tortuga no doubt frittering away his time on whores and booze.

All of these events are explained by a single throwaway line in their respective films. Barbossa will no doubt turn up in Episode 5 with a new leg, shaved head and a Russian Bride who has a birth mark on her left foot shaped like a map to the Lost City of Atlantis and brush it off as an after effect of too much whoring and boozing. The real adventure in the POTC series takes place off screen.

POTC always picks up whenever Barbossa is on screen and when Barbossa and Jack had time together the film was noticeably lifted. The problem is these moments were often short and far apart.

Penelope Cruz was as feisty as ever. I absolutely loved the Spanish theme running through the film which even livened up the tired score. The Spanish Armada were underused and the revelation that they wanted to destroy the Fountain of Youth rather than use it for themselves seemed a bit strange as they failed to destroy the two chalices in their possession which were required to successfully avail of the fountains power. At least they weren’t as useless as the British Navy.

The fantasy creatures in this film were mermaids who were very creepy and not as shitty looking as the kraken.

Despite all the negatives I did enjoy this film and it annoys me to admit it as I really and truly wanted to hate it. There are some good set pieces and at times there were glimpses of genuine humour.

On Stranger Tides is leagues better than At Worlds End and is not a shabby way to start off the summer fluff season. It gets a 7/10. I still hate Johnny Depp.