Conan the Barbarian

It is time to make my usual disclaimer that I have not seen the original Conan the Barbarian therefore this review is based solely on the film I have seen today.  I feel like I have typed this disclaimer several times already this month but this probably says more about my lack of film knowledge than it does about the sudden influx of remakes.

  

PLOT:  Conan (Jason Momoa) is a young Barbarian being trained by his father (Ron Perlman) to become a great warrior.  Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) and his creepy ass daughter (Rose McGowan) invades their village in search for the final piece of a mask which will give him great and unexplained powers. Khalar kills Ron Perlman and Conan swears revenge. Manly grunt. Blood splatter. Blood splatter. Blood splatter.  Drinking.  Boobs. Manly grunt (of approval).  Blood splatter. Blood splatter.  Damsel in distress.  Comedy bonding. Blood splatter. Blood splatter. Graphic sex scene.  Blood splatter. Damsel screaming. Manly grunt. Damsel screaming.  Blood splatter. Death of creepy ass daughter. Blood splatter. Damsel screaming.  Death of Khalar.  Damsel finally stops screaming and goes home. Conan rides off into the sunset.  END PLOT

The plot manages to be unoriginal and non-existent at the same so kudos to the writers on that front.

The set pieces were all sub par and unremarkable.  The grand finale was severely hampered by the fact that Tamara (Rachel Nichols), the love interest, was a screamer, sorry let me rephrase that – she was a FUCKING SCREAMER! The screaming lasted so long I think I aged twenty years by repressing the violent agitation which was growing inside me. 

The film was bloody very bloody.   The first few blood splatters caught me by surprise and I did find myself wincing but after ten minutes it became boringly repetitive.  Conan killed random extras with so much manly vigour they all seemed to explode watery blood.

Jason Momoa has perfected the art of growling and frowning on cue but that is all he can do.  Conan doesn’t speak in sentences which contain more than four words which suits Momoa perfectly as I don’t think he can speak in sentences which contain more than four words.  Momoa is devoid of charm, charisma and generally all the traits one would expect a leading man to have.

The supporting cast didn’t fare much better but I think the fact that Khalar and his creepy ass daughter had more screen time than Conan speaks volumes.  Thank Christ the great Ron Perlman had the sense to bail early on saving me the painful experience of having to say something negative about him.

In several wide shots the landscape looked good and some of the smaller sets were impressive.  There were however some dodgy shots of Conan approaching large cities which were obviously green screen.  The film attempted to have the look and feel of a large scale “epic” but it ended up being cheap and nasty.

Conan the Barbarian isn’t cheesy nor is it so bad it’s good – it is just bad.  This is disappointing as the director Marcus Nispel made Pathfinder, a very entertaining bad film. Conan gets 3/10 but only because I am in a generous mood. 

Hero Wanted

We are now onto disc two of my three latest Reedus Season purchases.  Today’s dvd of choice is Hero Wanted.

PLOT:  Liam (Cuba Gooding Jnr) becomes a hero for 15minutes after saving a girl from a burning vehicle.  Two years later Liam is in a bank when it is held up by Skinner (Kim Coates), Derek (Tommy Flanagan) and their getaway driver Swain (Norman Reedus) who, god love him, dreams of living on a beach.  Liam survives the attack and starts to kill off the gang one by one starting by killing Skinner’s younger brother with a frying pan.  Ray Liotta is apparently in this film too but he does so little he isn’t worth talking about.  There is the realisation that all is not what it seems.  Sad Swain montage in which he looks at a postcard of a beach.  There are more flashbacks that an episode of Lost on crack. There is the realisation that no matter whose point of view you watch the film from everyone just loves Swain, who did I mention just wants to go to the beach.  END PLOT

The plot of Hero Wanted is fine.  The fact that it is told through a series of out of sequence flashbacks helps to stop the film from being run of the mill although it does end with a pretty standard shootout in an old abandoned warehouse.

If I were to pick a fault in the film-making it would be the annoying narration which ran throughout the film especially as it was so poorly written.  We were treated to Liam philosophising through the medium of the mighty voiceover that “revenge is an airborne disease…..and it travels fast”.  I can see why they did it as it aimed to give the film a sense of seriousness but in reality it turned out to be delusions of grandeur – sometimes if you are going to make a noisy shoot em up film it’s okay to do just that.

The characters themselves are a mixtures of generic bad guys, a hero with dead wife issues who comes up with a selfish plan to buy himself another 15mins (D-List celebrities should take note – it doesn’t work) and Swain who turns out to be the only likeable character in the entire film and this is not Reedus Bias.

The cast is lead by Gooding Jnr a actor which I enjoy an irrational hatred of.  In Hero Wanted he looks old and rasps his way through proceedings appearing to be in dire need of a throat lozenge.  He lacks the charm required to pull off any leading role.

The main villains are played by Kim Coates and Tommy Flanagan two of my favourite members of SAMCRO and in Hero Wanted. They are very good, enjoyable to watch and confirm that they both deserve much more screen time in the Sons of Anarchy. 

Norman Reedus is good as Swain and givers the viewer someone to cheer for in a film with almost no likeable characters whatsoever.

I am surprised that I liked Hero Wanted as much as I did especially given that Gooding Jnr is an actor on my Shit List but I just about moved past this hatred so I could enjoy the film.

If a different actor was cast as Liam I think I would have enjoyed Hero Wanted a lot more.  It gets a 6.5/10.  It is a solid film and deserves its place on my list of go to 90mins films which is more of a compliment that it appears.

Moscow Chill / Moroz po kozhe

I have to admit that I embraced Reedus Season with as much commitment as I show most other aspects of my life.  I received three new dvds to watch several weeks ago and I am only getting around to watch them.

The first of the three is Moscow Chill and thanks to some wonderful internet friends sending me oodles of attractive pictures, female shallowness kicked in and anticipation was high.

PLOT:  Ray (Norman Reedus) is a small time hacker nearing the end of a six month sentence when he escapes jail and is taken to Russia where he meets Dubinsky (Vladimir Kuleshov).  Ray teams up with two friendly Russian criminals Dolphin (Slava Schoot) and Vasya (Konstantin Yushkevich) in order to hack into local banks and steal $40million.  Everyone sits around drinking.  Ray steals $40million.  Everyone sits around eating a large watermelon and granny’s strawberries.  Ray falls in love with Maya (Xenia Buravsky). Everyone is double crossed by Dubinsky.  Ray falls in love with Moscow.  The battle for $42million is on (although it’s not explained where the extra $2million comes from!  END PLOT

The plot was fine and flowed reasonably well. There was a wonderfully dark comedic moment after Ray, Dolphin and Vasya do the “respectable” thing and visit the victim of their bank theft in hospital only to discover that they had apologised to and thereafter killed the wrong man.  

The ending of the film was also quite strong as there was no real macho showdown and it was more character driven which made for a refreshing change.

Aside from Norman Reedus the rest of the cast is made up entirely of Russian actors none of whom looked familiar.  This helped to enhance the “fish out of water” theme which was running through the film.

The Russian cast spoke Russian to one another which was appreciated from a film-making point of view but because I imported my dvd from Spain I found myself listening to Russian whilst trying to translate Spanish subtitles – there were several short scenes which became lost in translation.

The film was shot on a non-existent budget of $1million and it showed as it looked grainy, rough and in some shots almost out of focus - the scenery however looked cold, damp and derelict but was downright beautiful. There were times when Reedus looked very very cold!  Moscow Chill used its lack of funds to its advantage and created a very natural looking film devoid of any Hollywood gloss.

On the face of it Moscow Chill reads like a thriller however the action is very limited and when it comes it is very very basic.  The shootout scenes have a very raw look and feel about them which makes them seem all the more real although if I am to pick a fault it would be the obvious squib on Ray's arm when he gets shot. 

Moscow Chill attempts to be a coming of age/fish out of water drama, a black comedy and an action free thriller all rolled into one and what’s weirder still is it totally pulls this off!

It is 100% accurate to say that if Norman Reedus wasn’t in this film I would never watch it on tv let alone seek it out so God bless Reedus and his off the beaten track career choices as it has thrown up some wonderful films. 

I am happy to report that The Messengers 2: The Scarecrow was just a blip in a very successful run of Independent films that would have passed me by completely if I hadn’t known to look for them.

I have to dedicate this particular blog to the wonderful Dixons Vixens as without this amazing family I lucked my way into there would be no Reedus Season.

Cowboys and Aliens - contains spoilers

I have to admit that when I first heard of Cowboys and Aliens I thought it was a genius combination. I was completely sold after viewing the trailer many months ago however it was so overplayed I think I was bored of the concept before I even got to see the film.

PLOT:  Jake (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the Old West with an alien bracelet on his arm and thereafter gets arrested for crimes most of which he actually did commit.  Aliens attack and snatch the people of Old Town USA and Jake reluctantly teams up with Harrison Ford, Sam Rockwell and Olivia Wilde to get the townsfolk back.  Nothing of interest happens.  Walton Goggins appears and the film picks up. Ella (Wilde) dies and I think that’s a brave and unusual move. Ella resurrects herself and I think that’s a stupid and ridiculous move.  Nothing of interest happens.  Jake drinks Apache juice and hallucinates hummingbirds. The aliens look crap.  Harrison Ford looks grumpy.  Walton Goggins reappears and the film picks up again.  The Cowboys win but the biggest loser is me. END PLOT

The notion of Cowboys and Aliens should have produced the perfect summer blockbuster.  It was never going to be a serious film but it had the potential, especially in Jon Favreau’s hands, to be a fun watch.

It took no less than seven people to write this absolutely shocking script.  I had no problem buying into the initial concept but the story did not hook me in.  I was impressed that the love interest had been killed off because it would have been the most unexpected death of the summer.  I thought throwing her dead lifeless body on the camp fire was a dark move but then she resurrected herself and it transpires that Ella is an Apache speaking peaceful alien from a recently invaded planet.

If Ella and her species special alien power was the power of resurrection and healing how the hell did they all die?  Hardly a major plot hole but this part of the film pissed me off.

The bracelet weapon annoyed me too – did the aliens only bring one?  If all aliens accessorised in this manner then why didn’t they use theirs in battle instead of scratching people to death?

Aliens, with their vast intellect and machinery, land on earth and destroy its people in an unexplained hunt for gold? You know you are scraping the bottle of the ideas barrel when you are ripping off fucking Battlefield Earth. 

I hated everything about the plot but one must remember that Cowboys and Aliens is a summer film and this is the time to look past all that and embrace the fun.

Daniel Craig plays Jake with no charisma whatsoever and is taking proceedings far to seriously although in his defence he isn’t required to do much but unbutton his shirt and stare menacingly at each member of the cast on various occasions.

I always feel sad when I see Harrison Ford these days and here he grumps his way through the film in what has become his usual manner.  It’s as though Indiana Jones got divorced, discovered whiskey, has prostate problems and is slowly dying of perpetual boredom. 

Sam Rockwell is usually pretty reliable but in Cowboys and Aliens he doesn’t get enough screen time and is almost to restrained with the same being said by the ever impressive Walton Goggins.

There was no particular weak link in the cast but there were no interesting characters either.

The Old West looked fantastic as did the wide open landscapes we got the pleasure of seeing whilst Jake et al were hunting down the aliens.  This is the part of the film I liked the most and it makes me want a Red Dead Redemption film even more!  The cowboy set should be recycled to make this film.

The aliens however looked shite and at their introduction they reminded me of a really juicy Imhotep.  They had no personality or emotion and were nothing more than generic video game cut-outs.

The futuristic flashbacks and the weird “aliens-eye-view” shots we were treated to just looked out of place with the rustic and natural cowboy setting.  I didn’t think the genres mixed well in this regard.

On paper the idea of Cowboys and Aliens is as brilliant as it is ridiculous but the final product is just an awful film.   It doesn’t even come close to guilty pleasure territory nor is it campy fun.  It is just bad.  It gets a 3/10 and that is mostly for the few cast members that I liked and the look of the Old West.

If they ever announce Cowboys vs Pirates  vs Ninjas (an idea which I have given more thought to than I ought to) I will be a bit more wary. 

The Guard

It’s not often I will go to the cinema to see a comedy.  I am not a particularly miserable person it’s just that I find the vast majority underwhelming or star Jennifer Aniston and I refuse to spend money on a film which has either flaw.

The Guard had been on my radar for a few weeks now and it was at last minute decision to do a sneaky midweek trip to the cinema before its run came to an end

PLOT:  Gerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson) is a sergeant of a sleepy seaside village in Galway whose quiet existence is interrupted whenever FBI agent Wendell Everett (Don Cheadle) shows up in order to stop a drug shipment being dropped off at the local harbour.  Gerry has a dark sense of racial humour which doesn’t sit well with straight laced Wendell.  Wendell wonders if Gerry is either really smart or really dumb.   Gerry has no interest in motivating himself to help Wendell.  Wendell discovers whether or not Gerry is really smart or really dumb.  END PLOT

On the face of it the plot seems like the traditional cop double act but it isn’t.  The Guard differs from the traditional cop film as every time a conventional “cop line” is uttered it is completely shot down by Gerry who has no time whatsoever for what he deems to be Americanisms.

The plot is slow moving and the investigation doesn’t play a large part in the film with it being reduced to the secondary story.  The main story is simply Gerry and his day to day existence which only occasionally has some police work thrown in.   The question of whether or not Gerry is really dumb or smart is asked throughout the film and I found the reveal at the end to be more satisfying than I thought I would.

The Guard is written by an Irishman, filmed in Ireland and stars an Irishman - and it shows.  The vast majority of the humour comes from Gerry, what he does and says.  This is usually in the form of a put down or grumpy complaint.  The humour is very Irish (which is not something you hear everyday). 

A lot of Gerry's one-liners are based on racial and cultural clichés and were as hilarious as they were cringe worthy.  In Ireland the sense of humour dictates that everyone and everything is fair game at anytime and this rings true for the humour in The Guard. 

The set pieces ranged from farce (Gerry gets an ice-cream headache whilst he is being threatened into accepting a bribe) to emotionally poignant (Gerry reaction to his mother’s passing is completely silent but chock full of emotion) and worked perfectly

Brendan Gleeson deserves recognition for his performance and I sincerely hope he get it as he gives the performance of the year so far - it was a faultless.  Gleeson did not even have to speak in order to get a laugh – the “let me just slip into something a little less comfortable” line followed by the reveal of what he slipped into was very funny and went unacknowledged by the characters present in the scene

Don Cheadle looked bemused throughout the entire film but in fairness his character was totally out of his comfort zone and he played a good straight man to Gleeson’s Gerry.

The soundtrack could have been lifted from any western and the excitable and fast passed score coupled with Gerry's slow and grumpy movements shouldn't have worked but it did.

The Guard did nothing to quell the illusion that Ireland is a very green, cold and drizzle covered part of the world but it doesn’t fail to be impressive when shown on film.

It will be interesting to see just how wide a release The Guard gets or how well the humour will be received in other parts of the world as like it or not this is Irish humour at its darkest.

Thank the Lord for sneaky midweek trip to the cinema.  The Guard gets a 9/10 as it is downright hilarious, pull no punches with the humour and has created one of the most memorable characters in recent memory. 

The Ruby Stark Story

 [Sean Morgan is a writer in his early thirties who has had published several unsuccessful works of fiction.  He has switched his attentions to fact based fiction in order to rejuvenate his career. 

Sean enters the living room of the house of Ruby Stark a dishevelled woman who looks much older than her years.  Ruby is sitting in an old fashioned armchair and is staring out of the window seemingly unaware of Sean’s arrival.  Sean sits down in the chair opposite and sets his digital recorder on the small table between them.  He tries to catch Ruby’s eye.  They sit in silence for a few moments with the ticking of the large grandfather clock becoming more intrusive in the silence.]

Sean:  Ms Stark do you remember me? Sean Morgan from a couple of weeks ago? I am writing my book on urban legends within the area and you kindly agreed to let me write about you.

[Ruby continues to stare out the window and does not acknowledge Sean]

Sean: Ms Stark? [pause] Ms Stark I have the first draft and I would like you to take a look at it. [Sean sets his short manuscript on the table]  I have not included any names at this stage. [with a hint of desperation] Ms Stark?

 Ruby: [still staring out the window] Well let me read it then. 

[Sean hands her the manuscript and to his surprise Ruby starts to read aloud]

“On June 11^th 1975 Mr and Mrs ________ left their three year old daughter _______ in the care of their usual sixteen year old babysitter ________.  They were due to attend a charity ball in the town hall of Stafford, Connecticut in order to raise funds for the proposed new hospital which was to be built on the outskirts of the small town.

The parents had only been gone for about an hour but the Babysitter could see that the child was falling asleep in front of the television. The Babysitter picked up the child and carried her up the elegant staircase, across the open landing which looked down onto the front door and into the nursery.

The walls of the nursery were baby pink and the furniture was white and included a hand-crafted rocking horse which stood in the corner of the room.  In the centre of the room was a large bay window.  On the windowsill and the floor around it there were hundreds of stuffed animals of various shapes, sizes and species.  Money was not an issue for the family and it showed in the child’s lavish bedroom.

The child went over to the window and picked up her current favourite bedtime companion – a tatty bunny rabbit which was in great need of a wash.  The Babysitter tucked the child in, turned on the night-light and went back downstairs to make a start on an English assignment which was due the following Monday and was, as per usual, left to the last minute.

The Babysitter had been working for just under thirty minutes when she heard a crash coming from the child’s bedroom swiftly followed by the child’s anguished cries.

The Babysitter entered the room and found the child sitting by the open window clutching her rabbit.  Most of the stuffed animals had been thrown off the sill and onto the floor.  The Babysitter picked up the child and asked her what she was doing playing by the open window when she ought to have been asleep.

The child replied “The rabbit wanted to go outside and play but I didn’t want to go”

The Babysitter looked at the rabbit the child was still holding and told the child she had been dreaming.  The Babysitter quickly calmed the child in her arms and placed her back into bed.

After looking around the bedroom at upheaval the child had created the Babysitter made a start on tidying up the animals which had been strewn around the room.  As the sixteen year old tidied the toys back onto the windowsill she noticed a rabbit almost as large as herself sitting by the open window.  This was the first time she had noticed the larger than usual toy but new and extravagant stuffed animals were not a strange occurrence in the ________ household and therefore she thought nothing more of it and continued to tidy the rest of the animals (of various shapes, sizes and species) on top of the larger toy.

Ten minutes later the room was back to normal and after kissing the child, who was by now half asleep, on the forehead the Babysitter went back downstairs to her assignment.

An hour later the Babysitter was once more interrupted by the sound of the child crying.  This time when the Babysitter entered the bedroom she found that the stuffed animals from the windowsill were again scattered around the bedroom and the child was sitting on the floor below the window beside the large stuffed rabbit.

The Babysitter struggled not to let her frustrations show as the child did appear to be in genuine distress.  When questioned on what she was doing the three year old child answered “The rabbit wants to go outside and play but I don’t want to”.

The Babysitter looked at the large and quite frankly creepy stuffed rabbit which was sitting on the floor and failed to suppress a shudder.   She picked up the child and took her downstairs for a glass of water. 

This time it took longer to calm the child and as she still seemed agitated the Babysitter nursed her on the sofa until she fell asleep.  Once the child was asleep the Babysitter carried her back upstairs.  On placing the child in bed she felt a chill in the air and looked up to see that the window was yet again opened.

The Babysitter went over to the window and looked down into the dark back garden.  She sighed and closed the window only this time she locked the window, removed the key and placed it in her pocket for safekeeping. 

As the Babysitter turned away from the window she tripped over the large rabbit forgetting that it was sitting below the window.    She swore and then checked herself as the child had begun to stir due to the noise.  After waiting a few seconds until the child settled herself the Babysitter once again tidied up the toys.  She looked at the large rabbit and covered it with the smaller toys so that the child would not see it if she woke again.

The Babysitter returned to her assignment.  Several hours had passed when the screams of the child rang out throughout the house.  The Babysitter looked at the clock in the corner of the room to discover that the time had just passed eleven. Mr and Mrs_________ were not due home for another few hours.

Unable to keep her composure the Babysitter went up to the child shouting “_______ I am beginning to get tired of this”.

On entering the room she was not surprised to see that the stuffed animals had been tossed around the bedroom and that the child was standing in the middle of the bedroom holding the large rabbit’s hand in one hand and her bedtime rabbit in the other.

“_________ enough is enough!” the Babysitter shouted as she picked up the child who replied through her tears “the rabbit wants to go outside and play” and placed her back into bed.  The Babysitter sat with her for a few moments and looked at the rabbit and toys scattered about the nursery.  As the child appeared visibly shaken the Babysitter decided that she should call her parents for advice or to see if she could at least remove the toys from the nursery. 

The Babysitter left the child in bed and went downstairs to call her parents.  The phone rang several times before it was answered and it was at least five more minutes until Mr_______ the child’s father came on the line and asked in urgent tones if everything was alright.  This was the first time he had received such a call whilst the child was in care of her Babysitter.

The Babysitter explained the situation about the child’s nightmares and the opened windows.  As there was silence on the other end of the line she also took the opportunity to emphasise that she had locked the window and removed the key so that the child was not in any danger of climbing out.  Although her patience with the child was wavering the Babysitter knew she had done everything she should have to ensure that the child was safe and cared for.

The child’s father asked her to repeat the part about the rabbit and the Babysitter did so adding that she wasn’t surprised that the child was having nightmares due to the intimidating size of the toy.

When she had finished she could hear the child’s mother and father talking to each other in the background in hurried tones with the mother’s voice becoming raised and frantic.

Mr ________ picked up the receiver and spoke to the sixteen year old school girl he had left in charge of his daughter. “_________ I want you to remain calm, go upstairs and get ________ then I want you to take her across the road to the Wilson’s house across the road.  Do you understand me?”

The Babysitter asked if there was a problem to which the child’s father responded “my daughter doesn’t own a large rabbit……. My wife is calling the police.  Please get my child and get out of the house now!” Mr_______ was beginning to lose his composure.

At this the Babysitter froze and events of the evening began to replay in her mind.  The crying child, the large rabbit, the open window and the child’s words “the rabbit wants to play outside but I don’t want to” began to ring through her ears.   She could see herself running up the stairs in anger not even fifteen minutes ago to find the child standing in the middle of the room holding her rabbit and holding the hand of………

The Babysitter could hear the pleas of the child’s father down the phone to get his daughter out but her mind was racing and could not hear him. It felt like a lifetime however in reality it was merely seconds before the Babysitter finally processed what she had seen but not noticed.  She screamed “The rabbit was holding *her* hand!” threw down the phone and ran towards the stairs."

[Ruby suddenly stops reading aloud]

Sean:  If it’s too hard for you I can read it to you.

[Ruby ignores Sean and continues to read it in silence.  Sean sits in the chair awkwardly until Ruby sets down his manuscript.  As Ruby doesn’t speak Sean begins to feel even more uncomfortable]

Sean: Ms Stark? What did you think about the ending? I assure you it is all accurate and based on the accounts of those involved.  It took quite a bit of research to pull it all together and to track you down

Ruby:  It is more accurate than most adaptations as you haven’t used the word “clown” anywhere in your story but frankly Mr Morgan it has been told with more heart and horror at a girl scouts' sleepover. 

[Sean clears his throat slightly taken aback by her comments]

Sean: Would you care to elaborate?

Ruby:  There is no emotion or fear in your story.  Have you ever experience real fear Mr Morgan? [Ruby makes eye contact with Sean for the first time] No I don’t suppose you have.  I carry the fear of that three year old child with me every day.  Can you imagine being so scared that you cannot find the words to explain it? That isn’t what happened Mr Morgan - that three year old girl didn’t know the words to explain it or how to ask for help.

[Ruby pauses and Sean tries to break her gaze but Ruby won’t let him]

Ruby:  The child knew that she was in danger and couldn’t make the Babysitter understand this as she was unable to articulate it any more elaborately than “the rabbit wants to go outside to play”.  The fear of that child is the first thing I feel when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I feel at night and your story, if you could call it that, has done nothing to highlight the fears of a terrified child.

Sean: [uncomfortably] As I said this is merely the first draft

Ruby: One more thing you didn’t even mention the blood.

Sean: The blood?

Ruby: Yes Mr Morgan the blood.  Where is the blood? I assumed that you would have understood graphic nature of the violence which occurred that night but from this [Ruby motions to the manuscript] I have gravely misjudged your talents.  A talented researcher you may be – but a writer you most certainly are not.

Sean: Ms Stark I….

Ruby: Mr Morgan the blood is a sight I can never forget.  Your darkest imagination cannot comprehend just how much blood can spill out of a relatively small person.  I made my peace with the fact that there was nothing I could do a long time ago but that doesn’t mean I don’t relive what I saw over and over and over in my head.  I stood in the doorway while that man, in his stupid costume stabbed her again and again and again.  I was paralysed with fear unable to move, unable to breathe and unable to look away.  Have you ever been so scared that you lose control of your bladder?…… No I don’t suppose you have…….I watched as he walked right past me.  He held her hand as he dragged her along behind him.  [pause] She wasn’t dead you know.

Sean: What?

Ruby:  She wasn’t dead when he dragged her across the landing towards the stairs - she was dying but she wasn’t dead.  I can still see her staring at me.  Those blue eyes stared at me half apologising and half begging for help but what could I do?  I followed behind and watched as he dragged her bleeding body, still by the hand, down the stairs.  She placed her hand against the wall in a last ditch attempt to fight him or slow him down but all that did was leave a bloody handprint smear along the wallpaper [Ruby moves the palm of her hand in a downwards diagonal motion as she talks].  She was dead before she got to the bottom. 

Sean: [quietly] The blood wasn’t in the police report

Ruby: I watched through the spindles of the stairway in the landing as he dragged her towards the kitchen.  He stopped and looked up at me. Did you know that Mr Morgan?  No I don’t suppose you do…… I looked down and I saw two sets of dead eyes looking up at me - the dead eyes of a killer and the dead eyes of that poor girl and then they were gone

[Ruby pauses and the grandfather clock chimes and makes Sean jump. Ruby smirks at this and continues]

Ruby:  Her body was found outside in the backyard on the swing – you got that detail correct.  The police came seconds later and I suppose he didn’t have time to take her with him.   The adults involved thought it for the best that the details of the horror were kept to its watered down minimum in order to quell the mass hysteria that would have followed. 

Sean: They never caught him though – that part is correct?

Ruby: They did find a bloodied costume a few blocks away but no they never caught him.  The police didn’t even have a suspect. I mean, just who would you suspect capable of such horror?  If they had made the public aware of true events they may have been more vigilant – lord only knows how many times his crimes were hidden from the public in a misplaced attempt to protect the families – perhaps there is more truth to the clown version than people realise...........

Sean: Is there anything else I should know?

Ruby [sarcastically]: My parents never hired another Babysitter. [Ruby laughs but it sounds strained – as though those particular vocal cords have not been used in some time]

[Ruby looks away from Sean back out of the window signalling that their consultation is over.  Sean stands up and extends his hand but is surprised whenever Ruby receives it]

Ruby: You are the first person I have told all this too and I hope you will treat the information with respect in your article and not publish a glamorised version of events

Sean: I will Ms Stark.  I shall send you the final draft for your approval.

Ruby: There is no need Mr Morgan.  There is no need. [Ruby turns to back to the window and Sean leaves without saying goodbye]

[This is the typed transcript of the recording Sean Morgan took of his last consultation with Ruby Stark who died in her sleep several nights later.  The cleaner found her in her chair clutching a very old rabbit.  Sean Morgan never again tried to fictionalise his research and published his research as and how he found it.]

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I have to start this review of Rise of the Planet of the Apes (herein after referred to as Rise of the Apes) with the disclaimer that I have only seen bits and pieces of the Charlton Heston films and even less of the Tim Burton version.  I should make the effort to add the originals to my dvd collection but I will get around to it eventually.

PLOT:  Scientist Will Rodman (James Franco) is attempting to find the cure for Alzheimers by running experimental trials of his 1-12 formula on apes.  Will saves a baby ape (Caesar) and raises him at home.  It quickly becomes apparent that Caesar's cognitive development is increasing at an advanced rate.  Caesar’s existence is discovered when he hurts a neighbour whilst protecting Will’s father (John Lithgow).  Caesar is sent to an ape sanctuary.  Will starts work on 1-13.  Caesar rallies the inmates to partake in the great escape.  The apes storm the Golden Gate Bridge.  The evil head of lab is killed.  Caesar says farewell to Will and goes off to live in a forest.  END PLOT

I don’t know how the plot of Rise of the Apes compares to the other Apes films but as a newcomer to the franchise I thought it was very strong.  The science element didn't contain anything new and was as made up as ever but it played a reasonably small part of the film.

The main story wasn’t about Will and his personal quest to cure an incurable disease – the story was about an Ape named Caesar.  I liked this as the more time spent with Caesar the more sympathetic I became to his plight.  There were many scenes devoted to him and the apes to the point where James Franco was almost reduced to supporting cast.

I became invested in the plot and characters easily but I couldn’t help but feel, especially with the reasonably quiet ending, that this was the calm before the storm aka the sequel.

I never understand why James Franco is cast in roles yet I always find him to be very watchable.  He just about pulls of the part as a scientist although thankfully his time in the lab is limited to very much non existent. 

John Lithgow appeared from nowhere and puts in a decent performance as Will’s father.

Brian Cox, Freida Pinto, Danny Oyelowo and Tom Felton make up the supporting cast and all are fine in roles which really require them do to very little.   If James Franco was reduced to supporting cast these guys were essentially extras.

Andy Serkis has made a career of playing non-human roles and Caesar has become my favourite.  I can buy into effects like this as long as the eyes appear lifelike.  Caesar’s eyes were very expressive which made his emotions real and I appreciated this aspect of the film.  This coupled with the fact that Caesar could speak sign language made his human element stronger. 

I had major reservations about this film as the trailer contained some unintentionally funny moments including the “pervert ape” shot.  Thankfully these moments worked and were not amusing when viewed in the proper context (you were right about that Daniel!)

Despite the awful title Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a very good film.  I found myself completely hooked from start to finish so it gets a deserved 8/10.  Expect a sequel and expect it to be bigger, louder and darker.

Screw the penguin.  I want a baby ape.

Mr Popper's Penguins

Do not adjust your screen, you did read the title correctly – I did go to the cinema to see Mr Popper’s Penguins. 

PLOT:  Tommy Popper (Jim Carrey) is a workaholic, neglectful father and divorcee who inherits six penguins from his recently deceased workaholic and neglectful father.  Tommy must learn to love and care for Captain, Stinky, Bitey, Loudly, Lovey and Nimrod.  Karina hangs her head in shame as she actually remembered the names of the penguins.  Tommy’s kids hate him.  Slow motion Jim Carrey run.  Tommy hates the penguins.  Over exaggerated Jim Carrey limb movements. Tommy’s kids love the penguins.  Cool hip hop formation penguin dance.  Tommy loves the penguins.  Obvious green screen trip to Antarctica. END PLOT.

The plot was basic and formulaic but the film wasn’t pretending to offer up anything particularly original.  It would be harsh for me to pick faults just for the sake of picking faults – the story was fine.

I am not a Jim Carrey hater, I will watch the Ace Ventura’s and The Mask if I catch them on tv and I do have a greater affection for Batman Forever than I probably should have but I wouldn’t say I am Jim Carrey fan.  I just can’t see him as anything other than a goofy over actor so whenever he tries to pull off the serious straight man I don’t buy it – especially when he suddenly breaks out a party piece of Jim Carrey stupidity in the middle of a serious sales pitch. 

If you want a stuffy workaholic straight guy whose heart is melted by cold penguins cast Jason Bateman – it’s not as though he has standards when it comes to making films.

The supporting cast of Angela Lansbury and Carla Gugino were fine although neither were required to actually do anything.   Ophelia Lovibond was also fun as Tommy’s secretary Pippi whose love of the letter “P” made for some creative sentences.

In films like this the cast almost become irrelevant as it’s the cuteness factor of the animal in question which is the deciding factor in how good the film is.  The penguins were cute, I will give the little buggers that and the film did pick up whenever they were on screen causing havoc.  If you must know my favourites were Captain and Nimrod – the leader penguin and the retard penguin.

Mr Popper’s Penguins does win the award for Worst. Green Screen. Ever.  At the end of the film the family go Antarctica to return the penguins to the wild but my god – I’ve seen better backgrounds on the Sy-Fy channel.  The stock footage of the penguins was has been so overused I half expected to see Morgan Freeman in the background.  I know the budget for the film isn’t the highest of the year but it looked poor.

*I am aware I spoilt the ending but if you didn't see it coming then you really shouldn't be allowed to function in the world unsupervised*

Overall Mr Popper’s Penguins is absolutely perfect for kids.  It is fun, light hearted and with a running time of 90mins it doesn’t hand around any longer than necessary.   The kids give it 9/10 because, and I quote, “It’s not exactly perfect” although their opinions are null and void as they made me sit through Snow Dogs.

From an adults point of view Mr Popper’s Penguins is okay – just okay.  I wasn’t looking at my watch or running up and down the isle out of boredom but it lacked that hook to upgrade it from kids’ film to family film.

I give it 4/10.  It was watchable but very much a nothing film.

I do want a penguin though.

Super 8 - contains spoilers

Super 8 has been out in other parts of the world for quite awhile now but this weekend it finally arrived on our screens. 

PLOT:  Joe (Joel Courtney), Charles (Riley Griffiths), Alice (Elle Fanning) and their friends are attempting to make a zombie film on a Super8 camcorder to enter in their towns annual competition.  Whilst filming at an old train station they witness a spectacular train derailment and the crash site soon becomes overrun with the military.  Dogs and microwaves start to go missing.  The rustling of bushes and trees becomes sinister. The military destroys a town.  All fathers are useless.  Everyone loves their father.  The alien decides to leave so there is nothing else to do but end the film. END PLOT.

The plot is very much a kids’ adventure story and I will get the comparisons to The Goonies and E.T out of the way now.  The plot flows very well right up until the final scene when the alien suddenly decides it's time to go and just ups and leaves with the cast all standing around watching. 

The finale of Super 8 is probably the disappointment of the year as it felt like all usable ideas had been exhausted so JJ Abrams simply yelled cut.  It will be interesting to see if there is an extended or alternate ending on dvd as the ending was very abrupt.

The problem with child actors is that they can come across as very stage school which makes everything they do or say seem very fake - luckily this was not the case in Super 8 as the young cast was very strong and I found it very easy to believe that they had all been friends for years.  There was a great sense of camaraderie and the way the gang bickered with one another felt real and was at times very amusing to watch.

The adult cast was made up of reasonably familiar faces and all were fine but this wasn’t the grown-ups story so their roles were very much supporting.

Super 8 fell into the trap of overusing rustling foliage and dogs barking to create suspense and although this is in no way original it was effective.  The train crash was quite a spectacle to watch and the attack on the bus was also very well done.  I think because the performances of the child actors were so good I found it easy to buy into all that was going on around them.

The action was surprisingly dark and although Super 8 had a 12A rating I don’t feel comfortable with taking a couple of kids to the cinema to see it as it might be slightly intense for an eight year old.  Super8 can make its family premier on dvd.

I broke my own rule with Super 8 as I had previously read a very mixed bag of reviews before the film was released in the UK.  I try to avoid doing this as I like to watch a film and form my own views without being swayed by others.  In the end it doesn’t matter as I can't hide the fact that I absolutely loved it!

Super8 is a wonderful throwback to the films of my childhood and scores a deserved 8/10.  It is by no means a perfect film but I think it has enough heart and charm to make it one of the surprises of the summer.