Sunday, 6 March 2011

An Odyssey Of Epic Proportions - Or How We Got Lost On the Way To The Cinema

Act 1.

“Seriously” said Karina hooting her horn
Who had never been on time from the day she was born

“Why are they always running so late?”
Sarah said nothing as she herself had to wait
Never mind the inconvenience and pain
It caused to venture out in the ghastly rain

“I don’t see why we had to go tonight” said Emma diving into the car
“The roads are supposed to be pretty bad
And I for one would have been glad
to sit in and watch the new QI

“But in this film” said Karina “Renee Zelweggar does die
And don’t worry about the state of the road
I have a plan that’s as solid as gold
We shall take the dark and dangerous country roads
That way shall be the most advantageous."

Kara thought the plan most outrageous
So off they set on their mighty mission
Even thought the rain was heavily pishin

They drove for what like seemed an age
Emma who became filled with rage
Exclaimed “I cant believe the roads are flooded
and you went and got us lost!”
“Well” snapped Karina “just be grateful there isn’t frost”

Karina felt Emma’s death stare burning through her head
Which is enough to render a grown giant dead
So she quickly changed the subject and said:
“My views so bad I can hardly see”
As she swerved to avoid a fallen tree

“Oh no! I don’t like this!” Wailed Saz
“Don’t worry dear Saz I'll get us there without a hitch”
Now as irony is a predictable bitch,
the car quickly swerved and got stuck in a ditch

“Oh my God you silly cow -you have gone and broken your safe arrival vow”
“But Saz, its not my fault we’ve had rotten luck,
And in this ditch we are now stuck,
And this morning I deleted the number of a tow truck,
Jeez, this evening really sucks…….
Oh look there is a swimming duck”
“Seriously” said Saz. “What the F..”

“Enough Bickering” Said Emma from the back seat
The girls in front where silent in defeat

But as the girls were bickering the road had become like a moat
The water rose and the car began to float.

Trapped and scared and unprepared
There was only one thing the girls could do
Which was to sing a Disney song or two.

The girls they sang with all their might
Until Kara cried out in fright
“Oh my god we are going to drown”
As the car began floating towards the town

The car then floated down stream
As if it were something from a dream,
The lights of the town were getting nearer
But proceedings they were getting clearer

They were not stopping at the town but rather floating out to sea
“I knew that Renee Zelweggar would be the death of me” cried Karina

“Oh its call gone wrong for me” said Emma teasin
Kara piped up “Is anyone else freezing”
“Do you want me to turn on the heat?”
“Well that would really be quite some feat considering the engine is under water”
“Yes but don’t forget you are in Aramis

As engine started with the first attempt
Kara could not help but feel contempt as she was proved incorrect
But as the car heated up she thought what the heck!
And asked “can you steer Aramis back to town”
“I am trying but we are caught in the tide
But the water isn’t coming inside,
So I think we shall be grand,
That is assuming we are heading towards land”

The car it floated on through the night
Until in the distance land came into sight
“Land ahoy” cried Karina giving her hands a clap
The others woke with a start from their nap

“Where are we?” asked Emma with a yawn
The girls were surprised it almost dawn
“not in Kansas any more that is for sure.
Oh there is a bridge that looks like a moor,

We can park Aramis here for the rest of the night
And go see if any locals are in sight”
The car came to a halt and the girls disembarked
Commenting on the fantastic way in which the car was parked

“She never parks on land that well”
But Karina heard this and said “go to hell”
The girls they walked along the coast
with Kara complaining the most

“Why did we have to go through a bog?”
Tripping over her feet to avoid a frog
“It was either this or tackle the cliffs
and let me tell you they aren’t equipped with lifts”

They left the bog and came to a large hill
Kara she complained louder still
“I will not climb this monstrous mound”
“you bloody will if you want to be found”
said Emma shaking her iron fist
Kara knew she was powerless to resist
The might of said iron first
slowly clambered up the mountain in great distress
“Holly shit” cried Sarah “there is a huge fortress”

Indeed at the top a huge palace stood
“do you think they will give us rest and food?”
Asked Karina as she was getting hungry
“well lets knock the door and see”

Emma knocked the door with all her might
And when it opened the girls cried out in fright.
For the door was answered by a rotten troll
Who in turn gave a cry of delight

“Females!! Such luck I shall not be a bachelor forever”
The girls where struck dumb with terror
And backed away from the door

But the trolls guards had flanked them and ushered them in
A unanimous feeling of danger was felt
The girls were aware of the swords on their belts

Once the girls were forced inside the troll then asked
“Which of you ladies will be my bride?”
There was only one thing Kara could do,
And that was to push Sarah forward a step or two.

“Fantastic” cried the grotesque troll “you shall stay forever by my side
my new and shiny, hot young bride”
“I think we best be heading outside” said Sarah as she turned away
“You cannot leave my love” cried the troll “as tomorrow will be our wedding day”

Sarah rolled her eyes at the troll already bored
But then a guard unsheathed his sword
She had no choice but to face the lord
The troll then turned to his guards and said

“Take my precious and her friends to dress for the wedding of the year,
Then prepare the feast! Order the band
and prepare a keg of beer for our guests to quaff”
At the sound of this the girls tried not to laugh

“See you later my love” the ugly troll sang
As the girls were led to prepare the wedding bells rang
The girls once alone all stood in bridal suite
Their eyes all refusing to meet.

Karina walked over to a stand and returned with a dress
“Sorry Saz to add to your stress ”
Sarah could do nothing but stare
At the hideous garment she was being forced to wear
With its ruffles and bows and shape so 80’s
Saz went a worrying shade of pale
Then she loudly began to wail
about the rest of her life being spent married to such an ugly troll

Well said Emma being rather droll
“do not worry it could be worse”
At this remark Sarah started to curse
“Calm down Saz don’t get carried away”
hello, tomorrow is apparently my wedding day”
“Well any suggestions as to how we escape?”
“Maybe if you kissed him it would break a spell” suggested Karina
And release him from his ugly hell”

“Yes a handsome prince will be released” helped Kara
“and he will no longer be an ugly beast”
“and when you are married to the villain” Cut in Emma
“all you have to do is kill’em and we will be free to make our escape”

At the thoughts of a handsome man
Sarah quickly changed her mind about the plan

Although her enthusiasm was short lived
As the troll was listening from the next room
Made him self a solemn vow
That he would be married to Sarah right now

The guards invaded the room as the girls were hatching their plot
The troll ordered them to the dungeon to rot
“Sorry Saz - you are on your own”
With this Saz let out a groan
Although she wont admit this she was relieved
that there was no time to change into the dress with the 80’s sleeves

Although preparations were going steady
The palace it was just not ready
The wedding cake was not yet cooked
The minister not even booked

But the troll being king of all the land
Took poor Sarah by the hand
and proclaimed her to be his wife
And live with him in the castle for all her life

Sarah remembered the earlier plan
(the one about obtaining a handsome man)
Kissed the troll upon his lips.
And waited for an eclipse of beauty to radiate through
But, alas, fairy tales are seldom true

Although this is hard to believe
The troll her grew uglier still
And her friends Saz was ready to kill
Forgetting the danger she cursed her luck
To be stuck with a troll who was ugly as fuck

Refused to be held in marriage by brute force
Sarah quickly asked the troll for a divorce
“By your neck you shall swing
For your blasphemy against this king”

Without a word Saz picked up his sword from his bed
And with one fast swoop she cut off his head.
“You Sir,” said Saz rather smugly
“are now not quite so fugly

While feeling pleased with this mighty quip
She strapped the sword upon her hip
And went to rescue her friends
Who were surely wanting to make amends.

Whilst in the cell the three girls waited
Until the Trolls anger had abated.
Emma paced the floor in thought
Kara was reading the book she had brought
Karina remembering all she’d been taught
Was carving at a wall with a spoon

“What are you doing you great buffoon?”
Asked Emma breaking her stride
“I am digging a hole to get outside
Then we can go and rescue the bride”

At that moment Saz appeared,
killed the guard at the door and sneered,
The three prisoners they then loudly cheered,
As the friends were then freed
Saz spoke loudly and decreed,
That she would kick all their asses when they were safe
The girls had no answer to this and so kept quiet,
For fear of starting a huge riot.

The girls they ninjaed their way past all guards,
It wasn’t really all that hard,
As they were proficient in the art of movie watchin
And had the skills required for such dodgin

Once out of the castle they were almost free
And they made their way back down to sea
For some unknown reason they were merely strolling
And not running as logic would suggest
But at Sarah’s behest they broke into a jog
As they made there way through the late trolls bog

Karina looked back through the smog to see the troll's guards in hot pursuit
And made a request for the girls to pick up their pace
“Oh here I cannot run while being chased” cried Emma whose jog had swiftly come to a halt
“For fear of their parents finding her at fault” Kara grabbed Emma by the hand
And dragged her ass to the edge of dry land

The girls they clambered through the open window of Aramis
Both dignity and grace this act did lack
And Kara landed flat on her back

Karina started the engine and prayed
that their exit would not be delayed by some sort mechanical failure.
But low and behold the engine roared
And the accelerator was then floored
The car immediately pulled away not wanting to linger
Sarah opened her window and gave the guards the finger.

The guards they ran to the edge of the jetty but not wanting to face any more hassle
Simply turned away and went back to the castle.
“Phew” Said Kara “we got out of that without too much harm”
“Do you think you can steer us back to Larne” asked Emma hopefully
“Probably not” replied Karina woefully
“So” Said Sarah. “About my wedding.......”

Seeing clearly where this was heading Emma suggested the Disney CD
And they would deal with any problems regarding being lost at sea
After singing a song or three
And as our heroes float onto Act 11
There is something that we must now tell you.
Sarah’s late husbands head had grew back
But in the more handsome form of Jacob Black.

The Bridge
Act 2


  1. LOL - lovely post indeed Karina - love the way you started it and then brought it to its conclusion. look forward to more from you. Love Kriti

  2. He He - love this, really enjoyable to read and what an exciting tale full of normality then whisked into a fairy tale. I love the ending, is there a lesson to be learnt there :)

  3. You can't be too lazy if you can write something like this!!!!!!

  4. wonderful post,Karina. You have a vivid imagination, loved it.

  5. Thank you all for reading and for your comments!!

    I have another couple of Acts drafted which I will have to tidy up and post.

  6. Great stuff! i write about movies too at
    following you on Google